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Wednesday, October 04, 2006

1994: Earth's Civilization Is Cast In Ruins.

hey. remember that time in 1994 when the moon got destroyed and all the clouds got sucked off the earth by a meteor?


me neither. but i want a sun sword.

i'll need it if i'm gonna fight lizard monsters and shit.

its a shame this had to happen. it seems to me that a mere 7 years prior, in 1987, we sent up a space probe to look for precisely this sort of shit.

i wonder what happened to it:


oooh, thats a rockin' jam they played over the closing credits. makes me wanna...i think i have to... dance!



Its called getting down. Its a little before your time... if it frightens you.

How about the fact that he taught that guy how to do shitty seventies disco funk music (even though he calls it rock) simply by snapping his fingers and boogieing down in front of him. That guy got it on the second try, though.

In the future, there are no books for karaoke.

Beedy Beedy Beedy, indeed, Tiki.

A Blog of Two Fathers.

I know, I know.

I haven't posted here in a while.

Lately, my other blog has been taking up all my time. I thought i could post the same blog in two places with no mess, but if you look at the Pa Kent blog, you'll see how untrue that really is. If you wanna check out the other blog, though, here's the link:

My older Blog, or as I call it: "Classic."

Deal with that, bitches.

Monday, September 11, 2006

karr and garth: best evil twins ever

and now a word or two about evil twins.

...the last week or so i was growing a beard. It was ridiculous (see my new photos!). So then i trimmed it in a move that would no doubt anger clint eastwood while making fans of blade 3 rejoice (both of you!). Then, having had enough, friday i shaved off everything but the mustache.

It looked ridiculous--pictures to come.

I looked like my own evil twin. At least i thought i did. Everyone knew it was me, though. I mean, its just a mustache. So i guess everything i learned in the 80s was a god damned lie. Shit.

But that's the way it works with evil twins. They can't be too similar, they gotta have something to set them off from their "good" counterpart. And in 80s tv, there was no way better to show that a guy was evil than to slap a goatee or mustache on him. Its just radiates sinister. Like Sinestro.

So, in cellebration of my one-day mustache, i present for you the greatest battles of good vs evil twin ever captured on film. Coincientally, they're both from the same TV Series.

Lord. Is there any part that the Hoff CAN'T play? Genius. Dig how he not only has a mustache, but a little chin deal going too. Totally evil. If i remember correctly he was the son of the head of Knight Industries and the reason he looks like the Hoff is that Michael was given Garth's face after the accident that began his shadowy flight into the world of a man who does not exist. Garth in the meantime spent a bunch of time in Aftrican prisons where the lack of good hygene and medical care caused his hair to baloon out to Space-Balls size proportions and his face to explode into a cacaphony of evil facial hair. I think in this episode he teams up with said africans to destroy Knight Rider or something (are you looking for the plot to make sense? cause it won't. point is, its Michael vs Garth and its awesome.)

Garth Knight, driver of Goliath. Gotta love him. That fight didn't go to well for Michael though, huh? And Goliath didn't even use his missles (he's got a crap ton of missles), or his guns (loads of guns) or even the creepy sleeper cabin where Garth invites lonely hitchhikers to take a load off and have some ramen noodles while he plays his Rush tapes and drops some road wisdom on them. Terrifying.
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You can tell by the photo that he's evil. He's got a sinister goatee AND he smokes like a douchebag.

But that's not the only character on Knight Rider to face an evil doppleganger. Observe:

That's KITT's nemesis, KARR (which stands for Knight Automated Roving Robot, possibly the best non-GIJoe anagram ever). KARR was the original prototype of KITT. He didn't work out, he was too irrational and, yes, too human. It wasn't untill the 2000 model (KITT) that they started making their cars 3 Laws Safe. (I would argue that that makes KITT a subservient little bitch-boy of a car.)

So anyway, KARR was obviously dismantled when they found out he was dangerous and he was never heard from once KITT came out. Right? Well, no, dummy or there'd be no show. Rather, he came back in the episode "Trust Doesn't Rust" and again in the ep featured above simply titled "KITT vs KARR" in which the two have a fantastic show down culminating in... well you should watch and see for yourself. All I'll say is, I think Karr's interior was made out of plastic explosives and gasoline.

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Notice that they even found a way to give KARR an evil goatte. When he showed up originally he was identical to KITT ('cept the evil business) but eventually he became a two-tone job, as a way to tell them apart and also to let other cars out there know: this shit-bag is evil and full of hate.

And gasoline.

Its a shame that the show didn't stay on long enough for Garth and KARR to team up. Imagine it, Goliath pulls up next to the Phoenix foundation's semi and everyone starts freaking out cause they know it has missles and old ramen and shit inside of it. So they send out the Hoff in KITT to do battle. And he's all like, "No problem, I'll be back in two shakes, just in time to be sexually inappropriate to Bonnie." And the english guy would go, "Oh Michael." and Michael would be like "That's Bonnie's line." Then they'd all laugh (well, not bonnie, as she's just been verbally assaulted) and he hops into KITT and goes to work. BUT as they're letting KITT out, they notice the back of Goliath opens up... and out rolls KARR... WITH GARTH DRIVING!!!! bum-bum-bummmmmmm!
It would be better than when Lex Luthor wore braniac on his head in that Alan Moore story "Whatever happened to the man of tomorrow."

if a hero is defined by his villians, then i think these two clips show: Knight Rider was fucking ridiculous.

but what's not to love about that?

Friday, September 01, 2006

all my powers, and i couldn't save him

Nope. Couldn't save him. But then, he was really really old.

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Glenn Ford who, to me at least, will always be Superman's dad (eat it brando) died the other day at the age of 90. Over the years he did like 85 films or something, and one of them was Superman so he rules and you better recognize. Check out the Associated Press story for more info.

What the AP won't tell you, though, is that Glenn Ford once beat down that ditzy dame from Buck Rogers (wasn't i just talking about Buck?) and Silver Spoons.

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Pa Kent: His Pimp Hand was strong.

thanks to for the opening image

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Lazy Blogging: Gangbusters Part I

Don't worry Sir, the criminals in the line up can't see you. You can only see them.Oh, Damn.

Call me crazy, but i'd love to read this story. Screw Saw. To Hell with Saw II. This thing looks dope. He's like a ticking martian timebomb of crime fighting goodness! What's not to dig?

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Fun with Daredevil

Hey kids, do you love Daredevil? No, not that Daredevil. The one who can see.

Which is too bad, because blindness is about that only thing that would explain his terrible, terrible costume.

Yeah. Only suckers are fair. Stab.

Its time for Daredevil's battle of the human shields! Whee!BANG! Well, that's one down. Eat boomarang, assy.

And last but not least:
A cougar riding a horse fighting a midget with a pitchfork. Fuck. Daredevil comics are no joke.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Mickey Spillane 1918-2006

"Basic Military Journalism?" Who do you think you are, Mickey Fuckin' Spillane?!?

I always loved that line from Full Metal Jacket. Not just for the swears (he said Fuck!) but for the idea behind it. Sure, Joker wasn't going into the mystery writing business. But, yeah, what writer that ever tried his hand at the hard boiled detective didn't think he was Mickey Spillane?

Sadly, there was only one. Even more sadly, he's gone now.The legendary mystery writer, author of the hard-boiled "Mike Hammer" stories and "Mike Danger" graphic novels has died at the age of 87.

He will be missed, but thankfully, we got loads of his stuff lying around to fill the void. Not to mention the imitators and the authors out there that trained at his teet. I'm sure Azzarello, Bendis, Parker and the like would happily count Spillane as one of their heroes.

If you're a singer you lose your voice. A baseball player loses his arm. A writer gets more knowledge, and if he's good, the older he gets, the better he writes. -- Mickey Spillane

Bye Mickey.

Stacey Keach as Mike Hammer

Monday, July 17, 2006

I'm immature.

Mary Jane shits spider webs.

Cause that's where Peter likes to put it.