Comics, movies, celebrities, monkeys, zombies, pirates, ninjas, robots, science, and so forth.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

who's who--a trailer for the future

i had a lot of fun writing my stupid little blog on silver age comic covers the other week.

a lot of fun.

its made me want to go on and on and on about the silliness that embodies the comics i love. dc comics pre crisis, post legends and most importantly pre INFINITE crisis. yeah, i said it. what.

on that note, sort of, i recently purchased a complete set of the 1985 DC Series, "Who's Who in the DC Universe."

So i assume that pretty soon, the silliness in there, will find its way into here, just cause i love that shit so much. and really, who doesn't.

so stay tuned for the origins of The Duke of Deception, Mark Moonrider, Space Cabby, and of course, Viking Commando.

he was a Viking. In World War II. He fought Nazis. With an Axe.

eep! i've said too much. i'll leave you with my favorite cover from the series.

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Not only does it feature Lex Luthor in his rad green and purple battle armor. Not only does it feature a Manhunter Robot that was just too darn lazy to pose (or get out of the water he's standing in).

BUT, poor J'ohn J'onzz, The Martian Manhunter was forced to share the center of the cover with some chick character who is covered at all times in flames. I dunno who it is. I thought it was Flamebird, but its not. And it can't be Firestar--wrong universe. Point is, she's on fire.

And he's terrified of fire. Its his one weakness. That's like making Superman stand next to a being made out of Kryptonite on the cover of the index. It'd never happen. No one wants to see Supe's punked out like that. Crying like that atheist dude from Wife Swap last week. Uh-uh. Once again, the Martian Manhunter gets chumped out.

He's gonna cry. Look. God, i love DC.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Hi-ho Silver!

god. the silver age was great. if for nothing else than the horrifically silly covers to comics. nowadays, you get a pin up or a splash that has NOTHING to do with what's going on inside. its just generic poses so that you can't tell one issue of the book from another--and, since i'm a moron, i end up buying the same comic twice. seriously. its ridiculous.

they also tend towards getting terrible cover artists that the fans seem to like (cause the fans are morons) and confine the interior artist to the interior, while some over hyped shit-weasle gets to ruin my day with another interchangeable cover.

Jim Lee? I'm looking at you. Seriously. Just cut it out man. You're not doing anyone any good. Your covers for Infinite Crisis look like Rob Liefeld puked and then that puke drew the cover. Knock it off. Go back to ruining batman. Go back to drawing lois in a thong. Go back to being a millionaire.

Like this Ian Churchill cover. Sure, it kinda gives you an idea of what's going on in the book, but its just so horribly drawn. Which isn't the worst part, i guess. I mean, I can't draw either. But, fans LOVE this guy, and he gives them this:

Look at her arm. Look at it!!!
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No, on second thought don't.

Feh. Woah. I didn't mean to get off on a rant, there. What I had intended for this blog was a salute to silver age nonsense. Covers with word baloons, dig it? Whatever happened to those. I love em. Not only does it tell a little story right there, but it makes you want to read the book. Sure, its the silver age, so they're all wacky, but still. Cool shit.

here's a couple. check them out.

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Woah. Luthor isn't fucking around. He already drank something that lets him emit radioactive poison, but then he invented something that turns lead into glass? What a frickin' genius. AND he has a space ship. Good for him! Seriously, he deserves to win. But i bet he doesn't.

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What can you do? What CAN'T you do. You're Superman. You can change the course of mighty rivers and leap tall buildings but you can't beat a lie detector? Then here's an idea, don't submit to one. Jackass.

Nice to see that not only the media, but also the US gov't are against you. You know what? Fuck them. Break that dude's pencil neck and leave. The end. Damn.

This one is one of my favorites, though.

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Leaving alone the ridiculousness that IS Elongated Man, you still have this wildly moronic plan by Captain Boomarang to send Flash on a one way trip to the moon.

Yeah. A ONE WAY trip. On a boomarang. Wait. Don't they come back? Wouldn't a guy with "boomarang" in his name KNOW that? How much you wanna bet thats how the story raps up?

Ha! Seems to me he'd be better off if he used ANY OTHER SHAPE but that's just me. I guess Captain Projectile isn't as cool a name. Whatever. Its the Silver Age and I love it. Sue me.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

MONKEY NEWS 11/15/05 -- Paris Hilton's Monkey Knife Fight

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I really, honestly thought, that celebrity news couldn't shock me anymore. Especially that eternal slag Paris Hilton. Wether it be news of her lazy eye, the story of Christian Slater getting tazered on her roof at a haloween party or her inane decision to retire from doing nothing... she never fooled me. Nothing perked my interest too much. Hell, there was always TomCat to steal the headlines.

Then i read this story in the New York Post. My god. Read it, won't you?

"Paris Hilton's new pet monkey, Baby Luv, went bananas when she took the peeved primate on a lingerie shopping spree in Las Vegas last weekend. Baby Luv bit Hilton and clawed her face when she walked into the Agent Provocateur shop at Caesars with the beast on her shoulder. Paris managed to pull Baby Luv off her and hooked his leash to a cabinet while she rang up $4,000 worth of bras and panties and a bullwhip. Later that night, Baby Luv escaped from Hilton's clutches — delaying the start of the Agent Provocateur fashion show until after a 20-minute search."

Holy crap. Read that again. Chew it. Digest. I must've read the thing 20 times before i could even bring myself to write this blog. As it is, i'm sure my stupid ramblings aren't going to do anything but distract from the awesomness that is this story. Lets induldge ourselves, shall we?

"Paris Hilton's new pet monkey, Baby Luv, went bananas when she took the peeved primate on a lingerie shopping spree in Las Vegas last weekend. Baby Luv bit Hilton and clawed her face when she walked into the Agent Provocateur shop at Caesars with the beast on her shoulder. Paris managed to pull Baby Luv off her and hooked his leash to a cabinet while she rang up $4,000 worth of bras and panties and a bullwhip. Later that night, Baby Luv escaped from Hilton's clutches — delaying the start of the Agent Provocateur fashion show until after a 20-minute search."

Okay. I've never really been jealous of that rich whore untill now. She gets to have a monkey? Unfair. And who the hell gave that coke head a monkey? A living breathing monkey. She couldn't even keep her softball size dog from running away (looking for sweet sweet freedom? heading for rehab?) multiple times, and now someone has given her charge over a primate?!? Has the world gone insane?!?

If i can get this straight, she woke up, rolled out from underneath whatever greek shipping magnate she's with this week, did a couple lines, had her computer hacked, posed, decided she needed some panties, grabbed her new monkey, and went out to the Vegas strip to find them. While waiting for the paparazzi to find her so she could get the attention she desperately craves, she stopped at a upscale boutique to shop... when things went oh so wrong.

Or right, depending on how you look at it. Baby Luv, who prolly is still furious about being saddled with such a lame name, went all Monkey Shines on Paris, clawing and biting and clawing and biting.

The story does speak, however, to the innate coolness of monkeys.

Baby Luv bit Hilton and clawed her face...

Hell yeah it did! T-Rex doesn't wanna go shopping! T-Rex wants to hunt!

Then, unfazed by the attack, Paris bought FOUR GRAND worth of bras... and a bullwhip. Blech. What a tart.

And keep in mind, all this shit happened in public. How can the world be comfortable with Paris existing when a monkey fight in a bra store is normal? And if she's doing this out in the open, what happens when she gets back to the hotel? Booze, coke, a monkey and a bullwhip? What kind of adventure is going on over there?!? Why couldn't that be caught on tape instead of her weird green and black porn movies?

And why, WHY? has she been granted a monkey when people who would really appreciate them like myself, Pat McCallum, and Dane Cook are denied the experience?!?

ITS JUST NOT FAIR!

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UPDATE!!!
i was finally able to track down a pic of paris and baby luv.

enjoy.

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