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Tuesday, November 15, 2005

MONKEY NEWS 11/15/05 -- Paris Hilton's Monkey Knife Fight

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I really, honestly thought, that celebrity news couldn't shock me anymore. Especially that eternal slag Paris Hilton. Wether it be news of her lazy eye, the story of Christian Slater getting tazered on her roof at a haloween party or her inane decision to retire from doing nothing... she never fooled me. Nothing perked my interest too much. Hell, there was always TomCat to steal the headlines.

Then i read this story in the New York Post. My god. Read it, won't you?

"Paris Hilton's new pet monkey, Baby Luv, went bananas when she took the peeved primate on a lingerie shopping spree in Las Vegas last weekend. Baby Luv bit Hilton and clawed her face when she walked into the Agent Provocateur shop at Caesars with the beast on her shoulder. Paris managed to pull Baby Luv off her and hooked his leash to a cabinet while she rang up $4,000 worth of bras and panties and a bullwhip. Later that night, Baby Luv escaped from Hilton's clutches — delaying the start of the Agent Provocateur fashion show until after a 20-minute search."

Holy crap. Read that again. Chew it. Digest. I must've read the thing 20 times before i could even bring myself to write this blog. As it is, i'm sure my stupid ramblings aren't going to do anything but distract from the awesomness that is this story. Lets induldge ourselves, shall we?

"Paris Hilton's new pet monkey, Baby Luv, went bananas when she took the peeved primate on a lingerie shopping spree in Las Vegas last weekend. Baby Luv bit Hilton and clawed her face when she walked into the Agent Provocateur shop at Caesars with the beast on her shoulder. Paris managed to pull Baby Luv off her and hooked his leash to a cabinet while she rang up $4,000 worth of bras and panties and a bullwhip. Later that night, Baby Luv escaped from Hilton's clutches — delaying the start of the Agent Provocateur fashion show until after a 20-minute search."

Okay. I've never really been jealous of that rich whore untill now. She gets to have a monkey? Unfair. And who the hell gave that coke head a monkey? A living breathing monkey. She couldn't even keep her softball size dog from running away (looking for sweet sweet freedom? heading for rehab?) multiple times, and now someone has given her charge over a primate?!? Has the world gone insane?!?

If i can get this straight, she woke up, rolled out from underneath whatever greek shipping magnate she's with this week, did a couple lines, had her computer hacked, posed, decided she needed some panties, grabbed her new monkey, and went out to the Vegas strip to find them. While waiting for the paparazzi to find her so she could get the attention she desperately craves, she stopped at a upscale boutique to shop... when things went oh so wrong.

Or right, depending on how you look at it. Baby Luv, who prolly is still furious about being saddled with such a lame name, went all Monkey Shines on Paris, clawing and biting and clawing and biting.

The story does speak, however, to the innate coolness of monkeys.

Baby Luv bit Hilton and clawed her face...

Hell yeah it did! T-Rex doesn't wanna go shopping! T-Rex wants to hunt!

Then, unfazed by the attack, Paris bought FOUR GRAND worth of bras... and a bullwhip. Blech. What a tart.

And keep in mind, all this shit happened in public. How can the world be comfortable with Paris existing when a monkey fight in a bra store is normal? And if she's doing this out in the open, what happens when she gets back to the hotel? Booze, coke, a monkey and a bullwhip? What kind of adventure is going on over there?!? Why couldn't that be caught on tape instead of her weird green and black porn movies?

And why, WHY? has she been granted a monkey when people who would really appreciate them like myself, Pat McCallum, and Dane Cook are denied the experience?!?

ITS JUST NOT FAIR!

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UPDATE!!!
i was finally able to track down a pic of paris and baby luv.

enjoy.

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