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Thursday, December 22, 2005

I Thought I Voted To Kill That Guy

Jason Todd.

You know, he used to be the lamest Robin ever. Then they gave the role to some chick who's dad is the Cluemaster (the master of clues!).

He also used to be the only dead Robin, too. Then she took that away from him as well.

So what's left for a Robin to do? Why come back for a heaping second helping of being lame! But wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me give you a little history here. Robin II was this dirty little street kid that Batman felt sorry for when he discovered the tramp stealing the wheels off the Batmobile.

Yeah. Great security system, eh? An urchin with a tire iron was able to get a wheel off your crime-fighting machine. Good job, assy. Unfortunately, this crime wasn't the last bad Batman tale Todd would be involved in, as he went on to become Robin. A Robin that was all but universally hated by fans, myself included. He was a load, plain and simple.

So when it came time to vote on weather or not he should live? I said nay.

But its not like I was the only cruel kid out there. The number of votes, if I remember correctly was overwhelming. DC claimed it was close, but I gotta tell you I don't know one person that voted for him to live (Course, I don't know one person who voted for Dubya either, and here we are).

In his time as Robin he was a whiney, stupid, arrogant little prick and no one liked him. Now, I'm not saying being those things should always result in death (in other words, let me live), but in this case it was appropriate. In his death he could mean so much more than he ever did in life, setting up years of Batman stories to come and peppering tales of the old Robin (Dick Grayson) and the new one (Tim Drake).

It even kind of worked in the Hush story line (though I've no idea what people saw in that art... Yuck). Everyone got all in a lather when they thought Jason Todd was back. But then he wasn't! It was a cool twist that played off our hatred of Todd and the fact that no one wants him to come back. Ever.

Then he came back.

He's been bouncing around in DC for a little bit now, but they never really explained it. I was hoping for it to be another trick, like with the Hush-Clayface deally. But from what I've seen in the previews, that is not the case.

Oh, good lord. So, yeah, Batman Annual #25 by Judd "I ruined Kyle Rayner" Winnick is going to finally answer the questions surrounding Todd's mysterious return.

And you know what? I don't care. I don't need to know why garbage smells bad, I just know I don't want to smell it. Get me?

Todd died--he DIED--at the hands of the Joker in what was a fantastic story, one that made the Batman mythos richer and cleared the way from future awesomeness. To bring him back really invalidates a lot of what's been cool about the Batman family, and its a bit of a crock.

And not only that, it makes my vote completely worthless. That was a 900 number I called. It cost me 50 cents. AND, I bought all the issues of "Death In the Family" cause I thought it, and my vote, really meant something.

DC comics owes me at LEAST 50 cents. At least.

Sorry to be so negative today, gang. As long as Marvel doesn't do something stupid like bring back Bucky, I'll be okay.

They did WHAT?!?

MONKEY NEWS 12/22/05 • Stalin's Ape Brigade

Oh. Man.

Sometimes when I go out and search for news about monkeys on one of the internets I come back with some pretty dull shit. For every story about a monkey robbing a bank there's just as many that feature nothing amusing at all and still more that only report what's new with Peter Tork.

Then, then comes something wonderful. Like this story from titled: Stalin's Half-Man, Half-Ape Super Warriors.

As the story goes, Stalin wanted some super soldiers that could go around the world and kick ass for him. Not such a stretch of an idea, really. From Captain America to the brilliant, Oscar snubbed opus, "Solider" starring Kurt Russell, the idea OF a super soldier isn't that strange a concept to swallow.

But Stalin's idea is so crazy mad-scientist brilliant, I can't believe its real and not just a Hellboy story. He told the scientist, "I want a new invincible human being, insensitive to pain, resistant and indifferent about the quality of food they eat."

Oh, Stalin.

Now, I don't know much about Russian history, but I assume it didn't work. Or so the Russians would have us believe. The closest thing to a super Russian I've ever seen was Ivan Drago in Rocky IV, and if that dude was half monkey, than I'm half lobster.

He was smooth and shiny. Monkeys are hairy. You don't have to be a mad scientist to figure that out...

but it helps.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Sword of Stupid: DC's Newest Screw Up

They've got to be joking, right?

So let me get this straight. Aquaman is selling so poorly that it is on the fast track to being cancelled (again) and the solution that DC comes up with is to hand the focus of the book over to some completely other dude with a sword and change the title of the book to Sword of Atlantis?!?

How is this a good idea? What possible past comics could they have looked to in order to figure out that this is a mistake? Well, there's this:

That worked out pretty well for everyone involved. Really shook up the DCU and made lasting changes to characters that would be felt forever. Right? Wrong. (Granted, it isn't as dumb as when the Punisher became that angel killing zombie thing or whatever it was that happened at Marvel Knights, but hey, they're Marvel, when they screw up, they screw up bigger and more screwier than DC could ever dream of screwing up.)

So I guess the minds at DC forgot all about Ray Palmer riding a frog and fighting insects, cause here comes Sword of Aquaman all ready to stink up comic shops next year. And here's a character, Aquaman, that they want to give a TV show to? The hell? Guy can't even remain the focus of his own comic book and they think we're gonna watch him on the WB every week? Bro?

Aquaman is a dopey character DC. Buy he's YOUR dopey character. He rides a giant sea horse and fights a guy with a hot water heater on his head. But that's what makes him awesome. Embrace the silliness that is your stable of characters or get new characters. Don't straddle the fence. Don't call a book Aquaman when its Camelot 3000 AD under water... It's insulting. Don't tell us its not Aquaman if it looks just like Aquaman. Don't pee on our backs and tell us its raining.

And don't ever, EVER, give King Shark a role that large.


Let me just rap this up with my favorite part of the Newsarama article:

The writer explained this new take on Aquaman will be more of a high-fantasy adventure book … “with swords, wizards, exotic locales, wars, monsters, ancient gods and more, all taking advantage of that undersea setting that makes the seascape practically an alien world, full of mystery and wonder,” (Kurt) Busiek said.

BWAH-HA-HA. Oh, right, fantasy. Swords and wizards. Are they out of their minds?!? Do they really think people want this shite? In an Aquaman book? There's only one place for that sort of crap. And thankfully, that home has been shut tight.

This idea is stupid time eleven, and won't last a year.


Seriously. I gush over movies a lot. I do. I see something and love it, and then I pretty much want everyone I know to get the chance to enjoy it as much as I did.

I'm a giver. Sue me.

I can not recommend enough that you go see King Kong. That shit rocked my face off. Honestly. My face literally fell off.

Now, there are a lot of people out there complaining that the movie is inherently racist. The idea being that a monkey in chains loving on a blonde girl is some sort of allusion to racism and slavery or something... blah blah blah. C'mon, professor, cut it out. Its a monster movie with a big-ass monkey. Why can't that be enough for you? I don't see the point of bringing race into a monkey versus dinosaur battle.

What's next? Are they gonna try to take the fun out of a Ninjas versus Zombies? Huh? Point is, fan boys like myself will always want to see movies that feature monkeys. Weather we're supposed to get some racist message or not will be lost on us anyway. We're not looking to learn anything about the way of the world or the socio-political machinations of a barefooted dude from New Zealand. We just want to geek out to monkeys. That's it and that's all. Make the monkey a giant monkey and its all the better for us. Have it fight a dinosaur? We get geek erections.

Then there are the haters that complain that the movie is too long. Sure, its 3 hours long, but it doesn't really feel like it. And, you know what? If you're getting 3 hours of entertainment, who cares? It still cost me 10 bucks. So there's a tremendous sense of value. Narnia was an hour shorter and that film sucked sour frog ass. I would watch a 5+ hour Kong. Add in an hour more of monster fighting and a hour more of building stomping? I. Am. There.

If you can't sit still for 3 hours, don't go see it. Hell, don't go to the movies at all. Watch another episode of "Fear Factor" drink a Mountain Dew and shut the fuck up.

Have I convinced you yet? Guh. Okay, here's a list. You like lists.

Top 10 Reasons to see King Kong

10. Its got a giant fucking monkey in it. Its 25 feet of monkey. That, in and of it self, makes the ticket worth it. But, it gets better. This monkey has heart, pathos, humor, intelligence, anger... It rules. Kong is King.

9. Said monkey fights dinosaurs. Four at a time. And it is spectacular. T-Rexes. Slug monster things. Giant bat things... shit, dude. King Kong is awesome.

8. The effects rock. From old-timey New York City, to the monsters and CGI and the blue screen work. Jackson has raised the bar in a big way. This film makes Lucas' prequels laughable by comparison. You never doubt that there's a giant monkey there. The combination of motion capture and CGI on Kong is out of this world. Andy Sircus (sp?) should win an Oscar for playing Kong. For real. Its gotta be harder to play a monkey than to play a gay cowboy, right? Right?

7. And lets talk a bit about old-timey New York. It looks amazing. Its a character in and of it self. I kind of thought the closest to the depression era I would see in a modern film would be "Cinderella Man"... I was wrong. I have to go see this again just to marvel at the wonder of the work. From costumes to sets to the breathtaking CGI landscapes... Wow.

6. Jack Black is hilariously evil. Props to Jackson for casting the rotund rocker. Watch for his career to take off in a different direction after this. Hopefully he doesn't get too serious (I'm looking at you Tom Hanks) when the weight of this film goes to his head. Oh, and speaking of Hanks, Collin Hanks, his son is pretty dope in the film as well.

5. Naomi Watts is hot. Yeah.

4. The ship captain dude comes off as half Black-Hawk, half Indiana Jones. He's my new hero and I want an action figure post haste. Or, you know what? As my boy rickey pointed out, they should just start work on a Black Hawk movie with this guy in the lead. Have them fight a giant monkey. Or ninjas. Or ninja monkeys, I don't care. Just do it. Oh, and it should guest star Detective Chimp. Just 'cause.

3. This is a literate, well written epic that makes shallow, lame-ass blockbusters look retarded. From the allusions to Heart of Darkness to flow of the moving screenplay, the pitch of this film is near perfect. Some may complain that the dialogue was a little silly, a little to camp, and to them I say, "Lookit the monkey!!!!" Haters.

2. Deaths. Tons and tons of creative, hilarious, violent deaths. People get stomped by dinosaurs, swatted by Kong, eaten by bugs and penis-monsters... Good times. The danger is always there, the action is extreme, and the deaths never seem superfluous. Okay, maybe most of them do seem so, but goddamn if it insn't a rollercoaster of monster mayhem. Woo-hoo!

1. KONG. Did I mention him already? Well, I'm sorry. He fights dinosaurs and steps on cars. Do you? No? Then bite me, fan boy.

This one is worth it. Go see it. Now.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

My new home?

Myspace was starting to feel a little cramped. The new home of my blog (and its brand spanking new name, Mylar) is over here at blogger.

Yup, i've joined the infinite nerd chorus.

Hooray for me.

Below, for those new to my stupidness (stupidosity?), are the last few posts from my old blog over at the myspace. They look different here. Think of it as a directors cut. 'Cept, i didn't recut it. Or change anything. Even the spelling mistakes are intact.

In the future, however, these things will be a little more thought out. With real scans from comics and stuff--not just things i've stolen from Mile High (thanks guys!). I can't promise a post every day, but i'll see what I can do.

Thanks for stopping by.