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Thursday, December 22, 2005

MONKEY NEWS 12/22/05 • Stalin's Ape Brigade



Oh. Man.

Sometimes when I go out and search for news about monkeys on one of the internets I come back with some pretty dull shit. For every story about a monkey robbing a bank there's just as many that feature nothing amusing at all and still more that only report what's new with Peter Tork.

Then, then comes something wonderful. Like this story from Scotsman.com titled: Stalin's Half-Man, Half-Ape Super Warriors.



As the story goes, Stalin wanted some super soldiers that could go around the world and kick ass for him. Not such a stretch of an idea, really. From Captain America to the brilliant, Oscar snubbed opus, "Solider" starring Kurt Russell, the idea OF a super soldier isn't that strange a concept to swallow.

But Stalin's idea is so crazy mad-scientist brilliant, I can't believe its real and not just a Hellboy story. He told the scientist, "I want a new invincible human being, insensitive to pain, resistant and indifferent about the quality of food they eat."

Oh, Stalin.

Now, I don't know much about Russian history, but I assume it didn't work. Or so the Russians would have us believe. The closest thing to a super Russian I've ever seen was Ivan Drago in Rocky IV, and if that dude was half monkey, than I'm half lobster.

He was smooth and shiny. Monkeys are hairy. You don't have to be a mad scientist to figure that out...

but it helps.

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