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Friday, December 16, 2005

MONKEY REVIEW • KING KONG


Seriously. I gush over movies a lot. I do. I see something and love it, and then I pretty much want everyone I know to get the chance to enjoy it as much as I did.

I'm a giver. Sue me.

I can not recommend enough that you go see King Kong. That shit rocked my face off. Honestly. My face literally fell off.

Now, there are a lot of people out there complaining that the movie is inherently racist. The idea being that a monkey in chains loving on a blonde girl is some sort of allusion to racism and slavery or something... blah blah blah. C'mon, professor, cut it out. Its a monster movie with a big-ass monkey. Why can't that be enough for you? I don't see the point of bringing race into a monkey versus dinosaur battle.

What's next? Are they gonna try to take the fun out of a Ninjas versus Zombies? Huh? Point is, fan boys like myself will always want to see movies that feature monkeys. Weather we're supposed to get some racist message or not will be lost on us anyway. We're not looking to learn anything about the way of the world or the socio-political machinations of a barefooted dude from New Zealand. We just want to geek out to monkeys. That's it and that's all. Make the monkey a giant monkey and its all the better for us. Have it fight a dinosaur? We get geek erections.

Then there are the haters that complain that the movie is too long. Sure, its 3 hours long, but it doesn't really feel like it. And, you know what? If you're getting 3 hours of entertainment, who cares? It still cost me 10 bucks. So there's a tremendous sense of value. Narnia was an hour shorter and that film sucked sour frog ass. I would watch a 5+ hour Kong. Add in an hour more of monster fighting and a hour more of building stomping? I. Am. There.

If you can't sit still for 3 hours, don't go see it. Hell, don't go to the movies at all. Watch another episode of "Fear Factor" drink a Mountain Dew and shut the fuck up.

Have I convinced you yet? Guh. Okay, here's a list. You like lists.



Top 10 Reasons to see King Kong

10. Its got a giant fucking monkey in it. Its 25 feet of monkey. That, in and of it self, makes the ticket worth it. But, it gets better. This monkey has heart, pathos, humor, intelligence, anger... It rules. Kong is King.

9. Said monkey fights dinosaurs. Four at a time. And it is spectacular. T-Rexes. Slug monster things. Giant bat things... shit, dude. King Kong is awesome.

8. The effects rock. From old-timey New York City, to the monsters and CGI and the blue screen work. Jackson has raised the bar in a big way. This film makes Lucas' prequels laughable by comparison. You never doubt that there's a giant monkey there. The combination of motion capture and CGI on Kong is out of this world. Andy Sircus (sp?) should win an Oscar for playing Kong. For real. Its gotta be harder to play a monkey than to play a gay cowboy, right? Right?

7. And lets talk a bit about old-timey New York. It looks amazing. Its a character in and of it self. I kind of thought the closest to the depression era I would see in a modern film would be "Cinderella Man"... I was wrong. I have to go see this again just to marvel at the wonder of the work. From costumes to sets to the breathtaking CGI landscapes... Wow.

6. Jack Black is hilariously evil. Props to Jackson for casting the rotund rocker. Watch for his career to take off in a different direction after this. Hopefully he doesn't get too serious (I'm looking at you Tom Hanks) when the weight of this film goes to his head. Oh, and speaking of Hanks, Collin Hanks, his son is pretty dope in the film as well.

5. Naomi Watts is hot. Yeah.


4. The ship captain dude comes off as half Black-Hawk, half Indiana Jones. He's my new hero and I want an action figure post haste. Or, you know what? As my boy rickey pointed out, they should just start work on a Black Hawk movie with this guy in the lead. Have them fight a giant monkey. Or ninjas. Or ninja monkeys, I don't care. Just do it. Oh, and it should guest star Detective Chimp. Just 'cause.


3. This is a literate, well written epic that makes shallow, lame-ass blockbusters look retarded. From the allusions to Heart of Darkness to flow of the moving screenplay, the pitch of this film is near perfect. Some may complain that the dialogue was a little silly, a little to camp, and to them I say, "Lookit the monkey!!!!" Haters.

2. Deaths. Tons and tons of creative, hilarious, violent deaths. People get stomped by dinosaurs, swatted by Kong, eaten by bugs and penis-monsters... Good times. The danger is always there, the action is extreme, and the deaths never seem superfluous. Okay, maybe most of them do seem so, but goddamn if it insn't a rollercoaster of monster mayhem. Woo-hoo!

1. KONG. Did I mention him already? Well, I'm sorry. He fights dinosaurs and steps on cars. Do you? No? Then bite me, fan boy.


This one is worth it. Go see it. Now.

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