Comics, movies, celebrities, monkeys, zombies, pirates, ninjas, robots, science, and so forth.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Monkey Nazis--The Primate Platoon!

So as you could see from my HeroClix team (posted yesterday) I have a thing for comic book monkeys. I love them. A lot. And they get bonus points if they talk, drive a car or wear pants.

Its logical, then, that DC Comics would be my company of choice. They have all the best monkeys, and most of them talk. Mallah, Detective Chimp, Ultrahumanite, Congogorilla, Giganto, Grodd (he's from an entire city FULL of talking apes!), and so on and so forth.

Then yesterday, on someone else's blog, I found this little slice of awesome.


What's worse than an angry monkey? An angry monkey with a gun. What's more evil than that? A NAZI monkey with a gun.

Whoo-boy. I haven't read this issue, but to my mind the only thing that can stop this army of charging Ratzi-Apes is a three-way team up of Ghost Tank, Viking Commando and GI Robot.

Ahhhh, DC comics. I love you.

As I was geeking out to the sheer brilliance of a monkey in a nazi uniform, my buddy Mike pointed out something I had missed:

Why would that one monkey use a wooden club, when all other monkeys are
using guns and grenades?

... that's just absurd.

Absurd, indeed, Mike. Magnificently absurd.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006



Tired today. Last night I ended up playing a little game of Hero Clix with my buddies. We did all DC, two teams of two players, and my team was team evil.

My line up:

• Ultrahumanite (Wears a singlet)
• Mssr. Mallah and the Brain (wears pants and a jacket)
• Gorilla Grodd (is completely naked)
• Catman (a sweet custom my buddy Pat whipped up)
• Copperhead (no one could hit him! dodge!!!)

and the man with the plan, the hellion in the helmet, the number one underwater soul brother:

• Black Manta!

Suffice it to say, we won. We were up against the Outsiders and they didn't stand a chance. My partner had an OMAC on his squad that wrecked shop on the silly little heroes we were fighting. And, lets face it, I had THREE monkeys on my squad. We couldn't lose.

Nightwing spent almost the entire game trying to kill Black Manta, but he couldn't do it. He died at the feet of Manta. True, Manta didn't do the actual killing, but hell, if I were Dick Grayson, I'd really hate for Black Manta to be the last thing I see on earth. But as I'm me, and not Dick Grayson, I'd love it if Black Manta was there to comfort me in my final moments. Hell, maybe he'd even let me wear his hat.

Face it, he rules. You can step to Black Manta, you can get up in his huge grill, you even can talk shit about his silly outfit or his power spear thing. But know this:

You're going to die and Black Manta is going to be the one to kill you.

He'll kill you in the goddamn head.

My personal favorite moment from the evening's battles? Gorilla Grodd smashing Starfire in the face with the engine block of a car while Nightwing watched in horror, only to be then mind controlled by Ultrahumanite to throw a Batarang and Speedy--sorry, Arsenal--who took the shot right in the face. Ha ha ha. Die, stupid.

As always, while we play hero clix, we often check out new and upcomming comics. During the game I was able to read X-Statix Featuring Dead Girl #1, and let me tell you, that thing is a HOOT!

If you haven't picked it up yet, I suggest you do. It contains:

• Fantasic new Mike Allred art
• Mysterio
• Doctor Strange acting like a pompous ass
• Kraven's REAL last hunt
• Wong talking in a ridiculous accent
• Mockingbird...
• and much, much, more.

Imma either going to go back and buy it and keep up with the series or else I'll def. buy the trade.

I give it 5 out of 5 Gwen Stacy Ghosts!

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Mutant Whore!

The train keeps a'rollin' on the new Ratner film, X3.

I think we're supposed to call it "Mutants' Last Stand" or something like that, though.

Whatever. X3 will have to do.

The new pics all look pretty rad. The shots of Angel, in particular are pretty cool.

This one made me scratch my head, though:

here's Stacy X, Calisto and Psyloche.

um.... why is Stacy X so gross and Calisto hot? that seems backwards.

i never read any comics with Stacy X. In fact, were in not for this movie i doubt i'd ever even know who Stacy X is. Doubt I'd miss her. I mean, a mutant hooker? Who gives a fig, right?

Anyway, she looks like a bag of assholes. A MALE bag of assholes. Call me crazy, but I figured the mutant hooker would be hot and the head of an underground group of moll people would be fugly.

Yeah, Calisto is supposed to be so gross she lives underground so as to not make children vomit when they see her. But there she is looking pretty good.

But that could just be cause she's standing next to a transgender spit-curl having hose beast.

Just saying.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Me too! Me too!

Always remember:

I didn't come up with this.

The Biggest List of them i've seen so far.


Friday, January 20, 2006


Ah, yes. The GIJoe Order of Battle. Back in the 80s, it seemed everyone was doing an index of some kind. We were index crazy. From The Official Handbook over at Marvel to the Who's Who at DC kids everywhere couldn't get enough of comics that read like encyclopedias.

Its true. I can't believe its never been documented on "I Love The 80s." Kids in the 80s LOVED reference materials. For real.

So, after the success of the handbook, Marvel took their hot license property, GIJOE and whipped up a handbook all its own, calling it "The Order of Battle." The Order was pretty much a reprinting/retelling of the info from the back of those nifty file cards that came with each doll--er--action figure, with a couple changes thrown in to keep up with the current comic continuity. Issues one and two covered the Joes, issue three focused on Cobra and the final issue covered vehicles and whatnot.

As a kid I LOVED it. I ate up anything GIJoe related, including the excellent Marvel comics, so it was a no brainer that I'd be into this. Thing is, when I was a kid, a lot of the silliness, the puns, the hidden jokes were either lost on me, or I didn't notice cause I was too busy acting out GIJoe the movie with my buddy Mark (I was Chuckles. I was always Chuckles...sigh). Going back through my collection, the other day, I started to check out the Order and found some pretty silly shit.

For instance, the "real names" of the Joes. Check these out:

So here's Alpine. Now, If you actually READ his history, what you'll get is a whole story about how climbing is a physical representation of him overcoming his past, crawling from the quagmire of his life--blah, blah, blah.

But don't be fooled by the poetry that is his life. Look at the silliness that IS his name.

Albert Pine. Al. Al Pine. Alpine.

Jesus. Larry Hamma, you nut. All that talk about him becoming a mountain climber to escape Idaho is stupid when your realize that the guy was named Alpine from birth, and therefore had no choice but to be either a mountain climber or a sports drink flavor.

Not to mention, every other Joe got a cool code name. Presumably these names kept their families safe and offered them some sort of anonymity when fighting the evil terrorist forces of Cobra.

Not Alpine. That's messed up right there.

And then we have Cutter.

As a kid, Cutter was prolly my third favorite Joe (right behind Mutt and Quick Kick). I loved him cause he was a Red Sox fan. Yeah. You can't really tell by this pic, but the figure (which came with the Killer W.H.A.L.E. hovercraft) had a blue ball cap with the distinctive red "B" on it.


And Cutter is a pretty cool nickname for a guy in the Coast Guard. Better, it would seem, then his real name.

Skip Stone. Guh. Get it?

I know I missed that as a kid. I was too busy thinking Cutter was rad, thinking his vehicle was the shit, and rusting the hell out of his back screw with many many trips to my cousins pool.

His story, is kind of bizarre, too. No one in the Joe's is just a normal good soldier, you see. Cutter grew up equal distances from both costs YET became the best the Coast Guard has to offer. Irony? Well, no, not really. Stupid? Probably, but its cutter, he roots for the Sox, and the WHALE will totally shove a rocket sled up your ass.

Believe it.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Gangsta! (Monkey News for 1.19.06)

Its the same old story. A young monkey is out on the streets, he starts running with a bad crowd, they introduce him to sniffing glue, he starts 'banging.

I've seen it a million times.

from the Mirror UK:

11 January 2006

A CITY police force is struggling to contain a marauding band of terrifying, glue-sniffing "gangster monkeys".
Wild macaques have been stealing bags of glue from addicts, getting high and launching attacks in Phnom Penh, Cambodia.
The crazed beasts have been biting people and stealing laundry.
Deputy governor of the city's Daun Penh district Pich Socheata, said: "We have to remove the nasty creatures from the city. They grab glue bags from street kids, climb up into the trees and sniff it up."
Officials have so far "detained" 15 macaques.

gangster monkeys. where is Lancelot Link when we need him?

Just so you know, the Mirror didn't come up with that label on their own. That was the name given by the Cambodian Municipal Official who first spoke to the press about the problems of what he called "gangster monkeys."

Man. Am i the only one who wants to see a remake of "The Warriors" starring an all monkey cast?

Wednesday, January 18, 2006


I was going through some of the more recent solicits. This is what I found. Yes, I realize i am judging these books by their covers and for that I should be sorry, but, really, I could give a fig. (That was a lot of commas right there... I need some puncutation help from a criminal genius in green tights, but where can i find that?!?)

Sword of Aquaman #41:

There are forty-one of these things already? Jesus. They should stop. Immediately. And appologize to everyone involved. Then they should have to sit facing the corner wearing a funny hat untill they piss themselves and promise to never do it again.

Aquaman #39:

For those keeping score, this is what Aquaman looks like. No beard. No hook-hand. No water-hand. Short hair. Surrounded by fish. Under water. IS THAT SO DIFFICULT?!?

Oh, and his covers should always have word balloons. Do it cause I said. Make me a bicycle, CLOWN!!!

All Star Batman and Robin #5

"Ten and two, ten and two--I'll pass this defensive driving course yet!"

Again, this is still in production? I stopped after issue one. In fact, I stopped around page 7 of the first issue. Its utter crap. If "The Dark Knight Returns" was a person, Frank Miller would've killed it, dug up the coffin and fucked the corpse. Twice. GOD, this sucks.

Ares #4:

I don't care if you have a new take on Ares. Its ARES for jimminy-petes! Who cares?!? Its beyond me how they can decide to make him a major player in the Marvel Universe when they refuse to give someone like Hercules the attention he needs. That guy rules eight days a week. Ares? Not so much. Someone should really give us a fun new Hercules book. Preferrably one where he doesn't get drunk with an unmasked Galactus. I'm looking at you, Dan Slott!

Hmmmm. This column is a lot more snarky than it needs to be. Let me see... anything good coming out soon?

Detective Comics #818

I like this cover. Prolly won't buy this issue, as I don't really buy Batman comics anymore, but hell, this is gonna draw some eyes. Its clean, artistically sound, and a little creepy. Props!

JSA #84

They're finally done with Alex Ross's self indulgent covers? Awesome. What have we here? A giant fight against a silver age villian drawn by George Perez? Shit! Put me down as a "yes please!"

Its just missing word baloons. Something along the lines of "Oh, God! Not YOU?!?" would be terrific. Speaking of which...

Showcase Presents Superman Vs Lex Luthor TPB:

Yeah! Now that's what I'm taking about. Lex Luthor is so smart he can travel through time with the use of punctuation! Crap! He started a sentence when Superman was a boy and finished it 10 years later, all with the use of a carefully placed elipsis. He's my hero. My punctuation hero...

Monday, January 16, 2006

Admit It. You like mine the best.

So, I got wind of this crazy thread over at LiveJournal where everyone and their moms are designing their own Bat-Girl. Follow the link to check out the list so far.

The Complete Index of Batgirls.

I had to take a crack at it (twice), and this is what I came up with:


You gotta admit, i really captured the essence of the character. They leap right of the page, huh?

At the very least, they're better than JoeQ's new Spider-Man.

That thing looks like Rob Liefeld puked, and then that puke drew Spidey. Yuck.

Anyway, as you can tell there are two different approaches to the character. Let the voting commence now.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

New DVD Tuesday

The Flash is out on DVD today. The one where Dawson Leary's dad and the blind dude from "Becker" fight Luke Skywalker and Keith Partridge.

Woo-hoo! I loved this show as a kid, I'm curious as hell to see if it holds up.

Full reviews to follow, of course.

Oh, and also out today is the first series of "Black Books," available for the first time in region one (US) format. Its hillarious. Check it out. Net flix it or something.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Some Funny Covers

Hey kids, here's some covers that got got me to chuckle today. And its not a small feat, as every laugh brings back pains from the hunk of metal rolling around my intestines.*

Hmmmm. That's not clunky at all. But why sell it? Think about it, you get your hands on a box that gives you all of Superboy's powers, you really gonna sell it? Why? I'd think having all those powers would beat any cash value someone could come up with... It's silly.

Not to mention, who would you sell it too? Couldn't they just give you what you asked for, put on their recently purchased "Box of Super-Power" and then take their money right back? Man, Silver Age crooks are retarded.

Yeah. Completely safe.

What a maroon. "That Assassin guy would have to walk on water to get us now!" And wouldn't you know it... that's EXACTLY what his super power is? Go figure.

Why would he "have to" walk on water to get you? Couldn't he fly or swim fast or own a speed boat or something? You'd think villains in the DC Universe would just, Ii dunno, expect the good guys to fly. Or hover. Or run on water or whatever.

If its me, and the hero after me is named "Assassin" I'm not turning my back on him. Airwave, maybe.

Hmmmm. I'd drop them off in Iraq for half that.

Just saying.

*read last post!

Bottlecap-Eater Lad?

Well, it was some weekend. Now, Monday, after it' all said and done "I feel like Rob Liefeld draws," (to quote Keep Squeezin' Them Monkeys Lad).

Saturday started out pretty normal. My girlfriend had a party at her place in Brooklyn, and we were all psyched for a night of drinking and zaniness. It was pretty much a safe bet since the decision to have the party came down the wire that there was gonna be some flip cup played, that there was going to be a mess, and that it was going to be a blast.

But I could never have guessed that another game would creep up, one that would change my life forever (sounds ominous, huh?)

After many flip cup rounds, the call came down for a game of beer pong (or as some call it Beirut). Problem was, there were no ping pong balls in the apartment. Well, quick thinking drinkers that we were, we decided to improvise with beer caps. No problem. Myself, being a novice at the game and slightly upset that flip cup was over, really wanted in the first round and got my wish. Lucky me. It was all going pretty good. We were all tied up, 2 cups each and then...

I swallowed a beer cap.

It was terrible. I ran to the bathroom with my girlfriend and her brother hot on my heels. I tried repeatedly to get the cap back. I wasn't choking, but it hadn't gone all the way down, so I did the Lohan on my throat, doing whatever I could to make myself yack. I didn't work. At all. It hurt like a bitch and some food came out, but mostly nothing happened.

Well, not nothing. I did make my eyes red and puffy. I also made myself cry. AND I scared the shit out of everyone, myself included.

Quick thinkers outside the bathroom sprung into action, though, and made a quick call to poison control. Seems I didn't want to puke it up anyway, it would do more damage coming back up. I was instructed to eat a piece of bread, drink some water and wait. After choking back the bread (it was the hardest thing I've had to do in a while) I almost instantly felt better as the cap made it to my stomach. The rest of the night I drank water, hid my eyes, and tried not to look as stupid as I was feeling.

As it stands now, its just a waiting game. My eyes are still a little puffy, my throat and tummy hurt a bit, but there's nothing I can do but wait while the beer cap traces along my insides and eventually finds it way back out again. Fun.

I tell you this story today as a warning. Kids: don't eat bottle caps. You're not from Bismol, you're not in the legion. It will hurt like a bitch and make for a fun lesson in anatomy that, frankly, I could've done with out.

And to Erin, Doug, the Poison control dude and everyone else that helped out, thanks alot for your help and for being so cool through my moment of stupidity. From now on, the only bottle caps that cross my lips are rootbeer flavored kind, made by Willy Wonka.


Thursday, January 05, 2006

Lindsay Lohan's Diet Tips

As everyone continues to grouse about the major media muck-up with the miner disaster in West Virginia, I was struck this morning by another screwed up headline.

Check it. First, here's the cover of the new Vanity Fair, featuring a slightly healthier looking Lindsay Lohan, barely clothed and speckled like a robin egg.

In the issue, Lohan comes out on her drug use (no shit) and her struggle with bulimia. The article is probably heartfelt and touching, but I'll never read it--that's not the point anyway. There are also pictures. And a picture is worth a thousand words, so really, I come out ahead. Check your math.

Anyway, that Vanity Fair comes out this week. The same week as this cover of US Weekly hits stands. Note the headline on the upper left.

Yikes. Diet tips? Ouch.

That is bad timing. How dare Vanity Fair come out with something about her terrible problems to obscure US Weekly's diet tips?!? They spent a lot of time on that diagram of the human throat and where to put the finger, and its irresponsible of VF to come along and screw it all up with the "truth". It's yellow journalism and I won't stand for it.

I guess they'll have to move on to Nicole Richie's diet secrets next. Hint: she only consumes Pixie-Sticks and Starbucks.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Brett Barnes Is A Ninja? Wipeout.

This isn't exactly new, but its new to me, so imma bang on it like a cheap drum, dig it?

Seems the boys over at the Lonely Island (they of Lazy Sunday and Bing Bong Bros fame) have, in the past, created a series of short webisodes for something called "Channel 101."

In particular, they did a hilarious send off of all things teen-drama, most specifically "The O.C." with their parody show, "The 'Bu"

Watch The 'Bu.

What starts as simple mockery of the dumb-asses on the WB turns into a serious tale of acceptance.

Finally, someone has the guts to stand up for Ninjas everywhere and to proudly swing their nunchucks. Its about time the world was forced to look at the persecution ninjas have been facing for countless ages.


You'll recognize Ardy from SNL, and the first two episodes feature Sarah Chalke from Scrubs.

Ch-ch-check it out, and when you're done, tool around for all of their other crazy shit.



Riiiiiiight. Like I wasn't gonna report on this one.

Question: Is there anything the Swayze can't do?

He kicks ass. He breaks hearts. He dances. He drives big trucks. He jumps out of airplanes. He has amazing hair...

and now Patrick Swayze raps.

Now, granted, i don't know what a 53-year-old hollywood veteran is going to rap about. But if i was to guess, its going to be about how awesome he is. About how he can kick a whole in a polar bear's soul. About how he ride a horse fast enough to travel through time. About how if you fuck with him, he'll seal your fate.

Or it could just be about being "nice."

How should I know. This is Mylar, not "The Source."

But I still give "Dalton's Roadhouse Raps" 5 Mics.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

The Ultimate Showdown.

Check it. This may not be the coolest thing ever. But its pretty darn close.

The Ultimate Showdown

and you can also access the mp3 over HERE.

But the cartoon is truly worth a look.

To my mind there's only one major player missing from this fight. That's right.

Burt Reynolds woulda wrecked shop on all their asses. I'm looking at you Godzilla.