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Friday, January 20, 2006


Ah, yes. The GIJoe Order of Battle. Back in the 80s, it seemed everyone was doing an index of some kind. We were index crazy. From The Official Handbook over at Marvel to the Who's Who at DC kids everywhere couldn't get enough of comics that read like encyclopedias.

Its true. I can't believe its never been documented on "I Love The 80s." Kids in the 80s LOVED reference materials. For real.

So, after the success of the handbook, Marvel took their hot license property, GIJOE and whipped up a handbook all its own, calling it "The Order of Battle." The Order was pretty much a reprinting/retelling of the info from the back of those nifty file cards that came with each doll--er--action figure, with a couple changes thrown in to keep up with the current comic continuity. Issues one and two covered the Joes, issue three focused on Cobra and the final issue covered vehicles and whatnot.

As a kid I LOVED it. I ate up anything GIJoe related, including the excellent Marvel comics, so it was a no brainer that I'd be into this. Thing is, when I was a kid, a lot of the silliness, the puns, the hidden jokes were either lost on me, or I didn't notice cause I was too busy acting out GIJoe the movie with my buddy Mark (I was Chuckles. I was always Chuckles...sigh). Going back through my collection, the other day, I started to check out the Order and found some pretty silly shit.

For instance, the "real names" of the Joes. Check these out:

So here's Alpine. Now, If you actually READ his history, what you'll get is a whole story about how climbing is a physical representation of him overcoming his past, crawling from the quagmire of his life--blah, blah, blah.

But don't be fooled by the poetry that is his life. Look at the silliness that IS his name.

Albert Pine. Al. Al Pine. Alpine.

Jesus. Larry Hamma, you nut. All that talk about him becoming a mountain climber to escape Idaho is stupid when your realize that the guy was named Alpine from birth, and therefore had no choice but to be either a mountain climber or a sports drink flavor.

Not to mention, every other Joe got a cool code name. Presumably these names kept their families safe and offered them some sort of anonymity when fighting the evil terrorist forces of Cobra.

Not Alpine. That's messed up right there.

And then we have Cutter.

As a kid, Cutter was prolly my third favorite Joe (right behind Mutt and Quick Kick). I loved him cause he was a Red Sox fan. Yeah. You can't really tell by this pic, but the figure (which came with the Killer W.H.A.L.E. hovercraft) had a blue ball cap with the distinctive red "B" on it.


And Cutter is a pretty cool nickname for a guy in the Coast Guard. Better, it would seem, then his real name.

Skip Stone. Guh. Get it?

I know I missed that as a kid. I was too busy thinking Cutter was rad, thinking his vehicle was the shit, and rusting the hell out of his back screw with many many trips to my cousins pool.

His story, is kind of bizarre, too. No one in the Joe's is just a normal good soldier, you see. Cutter grew up equal distances from both costs YET became the best the Coast Guard has to offer. Irony? Well, no, not really. Stupid? Probably, but its cutter, he roots for the Sox, and the WHALE will totally shove a rocket sled up your ass.

Believe it.


Blogger Phillip said...

Check out Tunnel Rat's real name!

4:31 AM

Blogger jamawalk said...


I can't. I don't have issue two.

And now its hard to find cause of the Rocky Balboa entry that was later retracted.


7:00 AM

Blogger jamawalk said...

wait. i looked online.

Sgt. Nicky Lee.

i don't get it.

7:21 AM

Blogger Rooster3D said...

Sorry to dig up this old thread, but there is a new Cobra figure that should get mention here, or in the Hall of Lame. His name is Clayton Moore, aka Lt. Clay Moore. The corn-ality involved here is that a "claymoore" is an anti-personnel mine, named after its inventor or manufacturer or something like that. Also note that there is some laziness applied here; his code name is not much different from his actual name.

8:57 PM


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