Comics, movies, celebrities, monkeys, zombies, pirates, ninjas, robots, science, and so forth.

Monday, February 27, 2006

The Juggernaut, Bitch!!

You can't be told what this is. You have to watch it.



It's the Juggernaut.

Bitch.

As alays with you tube, hit play (triangle thing) in the lower left, hit again to pause, let it load, then it will play fine.

Or, if you wanna go to the YouTube page and watch it there:

Juggernaut, Bitch.

Germany Kills Fife!

Okay, that headline is a little misleading. Or a lot misleading, in that its (a) untrue and (b) intentionally designed to mislead you.

The Winter Olympics are over finally. Thank god, that means I can go back to watching television. Germany won. Or rather, they got more medals than we did. Which is good for moral over in Germany, I would think, cause normally when the world comes together to slug it out, Germany is so far in the wrong that they get their ass handed to them and Indiana Jones punches a lot of people.

In the face.

As a gift for winning, we sent over the blondest, blue-est eyed Canadian we could get our hands on (no, not Shatner) and Avril Lavigne closed out the games, singing badly but at the same time making the girls in Prussia Blue believe in their dreams.

I don't see why Germany won, though. Japan had the best skiiers.No matter. Its over now. Its time to move on.

But that wasn't the big news of the weekend. Not for me anyway.


Don Knotts passed away on Saturday. He was really old. And now he's dead.

To many, he was Mr. Furley from Threes Company, listening at the door, ready for a hillariously homophobic quip about Jack's pants.

To many more (including my Dad) he will always be Barney Fife, always reaching for that lone bullet in his shirt pocket.

To Chris Ward (who reminds me more of Don Knotts than anyone else I know, and who is moving away this week--bye dude!) he will be remembered as Mr. Chicken. As in "The Ghost and..."

And some will remember him from his rolls in all them Disney movies, Herbie and Apple Dumpling Gang and the like.

But to me, I'll always remember him in the movie that ruled my youth, "The Incredible Mr. Limpet."Its a movie about a man that becomes a fish during the war and then saves the good guys by destroying submarines and shit.

I think. Its been a while. But when i was 10, and it was on WLVI TV-56, I'd sit glued to the screen. Every time it was on. And it was on a lot. And I never knew how it was gonna end. Ahhhh, youth.

Its the movie that made me belive a fish can wear glasses.

There was also a bunch of shit in there about the female fish finding him attractive, even though on land he was Don Knotts, and a fool, so no chicks dug him... It was weird. What was he gonna do, stay there and have fish babies? Gross!

Anway, thanks Don, thanks Mr. Limpett, so long, dude!

TV Land better make with the Andy Griffith/Three's Company marathons post-haste!!!

Endo? Smells more like OUT-do.



Okay, so DC is starting to fill in the blanks for the New Outsiders team.

Clockwise from bottom, we got Nightwing. Followed by Katana? Then some broad i don't know/care about. Then is Metamorpho, who isn't as dead as i thought he was.

Then, THEN... GIRL BLACK LIGHTNING! Boo-ya grandma. Booya.

Oh, then its Captain Boomarang's son (Kid Boomarang? Private Boomarang?)

Not that I care, cause i'm not gonna read this book. Its Winnick right? That guy blows.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Batman Vs. The Evil King of Memphis

I totally found this on someone else's blog. But being that its so good, possibly the greatest thing ever, you just can't blame me.

This, then is the greatest thing ever.

Ever.

What it is: Batman (Adam West, really) appears on Championship Wrestling at the WHBQ studios in Memphis during the mid to late '70s (the show moved to WMC in 1977), where he is confronted by Jerry Lawler as SUPERKING!

(NOTE: the best way to watch one of these You Tube things is to hit play, then pause, let the whole thing load and then hit play again. Its smoother that way. At least for me anyway. and i know smooth.)



Batman has heard about Jerry Lawler's box.

And he has the nerve to make fun of Lawler's costume. What is he wearing? He's got his cowl and gloves on, but is that a Member's Only Jacket? What gives Bats?

Supe? Spidey-baby? Good lord, Adam West rules. He's like a nicer Bill Shatner.

Eat your veggies kids. Use your turn signals.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Cover Up.

Someone told me they liked the last post I did where I commented on solicited covers. So this is where I betray them by not quite doing it as well as the last time. Think of it as my version of "Die Hard 2".

Marvel Adventures: Fantastic Four #12
Oh, god yes. Here's the first of a bunch of cool covers featuring the FF. I don't know what this issue is about, and frankly, I don't care. DOCTOR DOOM IS IN A FLYING HOTROD! WOO-HOO! Put me down for a "yes."


Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man #8
This is so stupid. I can't imagine a way that the story behind this costume is any good. Well, maybe. Maybe if it was designed by super-intelligent helper monkeys from the future and following its creation, Spidey's mind was fused with the monkeys, in a sort of hive mind type deal, and he was then sent off to fight an army of ninja robot vampire cowboys. Then, maybe.

But probably not. God, its like they let John Byrne loose in Pete's "Friendly Neighborhood" again. Speaking of crap...


New Excalibur #7
Memo to John Byrne: Stop it.
Up on his website, not too long ago, Byrne ran a poll where he wanted his *ahem* fans to decide what his next project should be. Sadly, "Retirement" was not one of the options. I don't know what the outcome of that poll was, but if it was "New Excalibur #7" then his fans should be rounded up and put down. Judging this issue by its cover, it looks like Vandal Savage wants to take the new team bowling and he's bringing along Juggernaut's helmet. Or something. I don't know enough about the book to understand this shit. Nor do I care. Wait. Is that DAZZLER I see reflected back in that shiny helmet thing? Good lord, man. Cut it out.


Four #30
The hits keep on coming. Another wonderful cover with the FF! This one has H.E.R.B.I.E.!!! You gotta love that little robot. Seriously. I'm enforcing that as a law now. Love H.E.R.B.I.E. or face the consequences.
This is another book that I happily avoid every month, but I'll say this, If the cover is any representation, I'm gonna start buying this book every month! What? It's cancelled? Oh, well, that'll save me some cake. Thank heavens.


Thing #7
Another FF member in a cool cover!!! I love Dan Slott's work. She-Hulk and Thing read like no other Marvel comic out there. Why? Cause they read like a DC Comic. And that's why they are so frickin' good. Again, the colorist seems to gone a little mad-pants with his patterns and whatnot, but still.
I don't give a good gosh darn what's going on in the foreground with that artist guy, but my word, THING IS GONNA CLOBBER HERCULES WITH A HUGE COLUMN! Fantastic. Plus, Herc is wearing a Lion on his head. A lion that he no doubt killed himself. With his bare hands. Or maybe, he did it with BEAR hands. You know, like he killed himself a bear, took the paws off that sumnabitch, slipped his mitts inside of them like mittens, then tracked down a lion and murdered it with those new gloves. As a final "F-you" to the Lion and its family, Herc now wears the murdered animal's face on top of his head. Partly to look cool, but mostly as a warning to other lions. And bears.


Batman Year 100 #4
Leaving aside how dumb an idea this series is, I can't get past how disgusting the art is. I get it. Paul Pope is "different" he doesn't "play by the rules" he's a "maverick." Whatever dude, this art sucks. It sucks long and it sucks hard. I've doodled stuff on bar napkins down at Olive's (the best bar in Nyack) in a state where I can hardly hold a pen that looks better than this nonsense. I've never had a comic book make me sick to my stomach that wasn't drawn by Rob Liefeld, until now.


Showcase presents Superman Vol 2
I make no secret of my love for these Showcase editions. Of the ones I've bought so far, Green Lantern got old about halfway though and JLA hasn't been cracked yet, but my Superman Showcase is one of the best things I've ever read. Counting the Bible. In fact, I think the Gideons people should be putting Superman Showcase in motel nightstands. Spread the word of a REAL savior. Yeah, desperate mother-effers down on their luck will think twice about scoring some dope and murdering a prostitute after they've read about The Man of Steel fighting a giant monkey. I'm just saying.


Green Arrow #62
I can't for the life of my figure out the anatomy on this cover. Can you? Take a long hard look at it and try not to go insane in the process. Arms are not that short. Way to use a LONG RANGE weapon, G.A. You are so gonna get shot in the face. Dick Cheney style.
And, uh, what would you call that pose. Was Green Arrow getting buggered by a stanger only to find out it was Deathstroke? Gah!


52 #2
Its about time. Booster gets mad honey's yo. Skeet skeet skeet!


Outsiders #36
Someone tell Judd Winnick that the Power Ranger's are not in DC continuity. Also, tell him to read the memo I sent to John Byrne.

And that, as they say, is that.

Science Monkey!

The handwriting? Really? That's your clue?

First of all Jonas Starr writes like a girl. And way too big. Look at that note in the foreground. Jeeze-Louise! If all his papers are like that, a simple experiment's notes could kill a large swath of the rainforest. The only person with a bigger diary is Superman. But that's just cause he's a dick. He doesn't even write it in English. So only he can read it. A gigantic record of his exploits that takes up a room, but its useless to everyone but him. Nice. That is a rad chair though, dude.

Back to the science monkey: His assistants are way to into handwriting analysis. I'd have thought that wouldn't be the first thing a group of scientists would do when presented with this issue. ITS A MONKEY WRITING ON A CHALKBOARD! Crap. If this was a Marvel comic they'd have already dissected it, had sex with the pieces, put it back together, outfitted it with a laser and sent it off to battle the Avengers. It would then get its ass handed to it by Tigra, feel bad about its ways, and be on the team within 5 issues.

Pay close attention to the caption box in the lower right corner, though, kids. That gorilla? He's gonna save the world. How?

With his love.

Takedown, Shakedown... You're Busted.

Oh Man. Burnout Revenge is ruling my world.

And messing with my head.

This morning, a guy cut me off and I was tempted to shunt him into a bus.

Cause that is worth a terrific amount of points.

Terrific.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Rickey's Big Day

You wanna know the great thing about being witness to the biggest blizzard in the history of ever?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Anyway, somehow in all the confusion, my buddy Rickey got the first edition of his spankin' new diary comic posted online.

You can check it out here:

Rickey's Diary Comic

I'm even in it. That's me in the Flash T-shirt. I don't own a Flash T-shirt, though. Or maybe, I don't own one yet? Hmmmm. Maybe there's a time travelling paradox at work that i'm not hep to. Maybe that's the Reverse-James or something.

Either way, show Rickey some love by checking it out his comic.

Karl Pilkington is Famous

If you haven't checked out the latest series of Podcasts from Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant (The Office, Extras) then you are prolly about the only one as it has just been named the worlds most downloaded podcast by the Guiness Book of World Records.

The podcasts, and Gervais' old radio show have given the world the stupid/genius of Karl Pilkington. I can't begin to describe this weird little bald Manc, so you best check it out yourself.

The Podcasts are Available HERE

Ricky's site with info on the podcasts, his other work, and what the deal is with Karl.

Lets make Karl even more famous, shall we?

Friday, February 10, 2006

Kanye B. Ware


Was it just me, or was Kanye looking very Koko B. Ware at the Grammys?

All he needed was a parrot, and some bad-ass dance moves.

Brett Ratner: Professional Hollywood Director

Brett Ratner is directing X-Men 3. I can't stress that enough. As much as I hate to admit it, he's the guy. He's directing it. Its his deal.

We knew that though, right? Well sure. But, I just wanted that firmly in everyone's head before I linked to the following story.

Ratner's Post-Grammy Freak Out.

Page Six is reporting that Ratner (who is DIRECTING X3) nearly fainted after an argument with his girlfriend. Check it:

"Rush Hour" director Ratner caused a one-hour traffic jam after paramedics and a fire truck were called in response to his full-blown panic attack - caused by an argument with his date - in front of the Spanish-style mansion. Cops came later and had the music turned off.

"Ratner was complaining of shortness of breath while leaning by the VIP check-in desk," a witness told The Post's Braden Keil. "My heart is racing," the witness overheard him repeating.


Jesus. This guy can't handle an argument with his lady friend, but yet he's in charge of a huge movie franchise? How does that work? This guy almost got the chance to helm Superman! But, like an opossum he swoons when confronted by drama.

Well, that's just great. And was a firetruck really necessary? Couldn't they just, I dunno, fan him or give him an aspirin or spray him in the crotch with seltzer water? Fuck. Where is J.J. McClure when you need him?!?

But I guess the hour long traffic jam Los Angelinos experienced is nothing compared to the train wreck X3 is shaping up to be. All those movies with Jackie Chan and Ratner didn't learn karate, he just learned ka-razy.

Oh, and just in case that story didn't make you think the Rat-man was nutzoid? Check his Christmas card:

He really wants to be Wolverine. Especially from the issue where Wolvie gets into a heated discussion with Jean Grey and passes out like a little bitch.

That one's his favorite.

Sport!

The Winter Olympics start tonight! Live from Torino which, if I'm to understand this right, is a foreign country. Hmmm. Oh, well, its sport all the same. Not the one you completely ignore in the summer, this is the one you completely ignore in the winter!

And its not just hockey--no matter what Canadians and Kurt Russle's hairpiece from "Miracle" tell you. No. The winter Olympics feature all the best the world has to offer in Skiing, Snow Boarding, more skiing (but with jumps!), Figure Skating (made famous by TV's Dave Coulier), Speed Skating, Curling, That thing where they ski and then shoot a gun, Luge, Bobsledding, Baby Jumping...

Wait. Baby Jumping?



Ooooh. Sadly, Baby Jumping isn't a officially sanctioned by the Olympic committee. Bastards. They'll let Water Polo in but not this.

Well, screw it then. I'm not watching any Olympics that puts the life of a baby ahead of my enjoyment of reckless sport. I guess I'll turn over to Fox instead. They're playing the last 4 new episodes of the best show ever: "Arrested Development."

And besides, Fox runs shows where midgets have to pull a plane quicker than an elephant.


Now that is what I call Sport!

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Detective Superman and his Magic Snake

Thumbing through Green Lantern #160 for a different post (coming soon, maybe) I happened upon this ridiculous ad:



Okay, so it seems the Toyman was on the run from Superman, and decided to step into K-Mart and, uh, play with a Magic Snake. Now, I know that the Magic Snake is actually a puzzle-type toy and not entirely meant to be a euphemism. I know that, but I still laugh. Sorry. Dick and fart jokes will always be funny to me.

But getting past that, what I don't realize is how this ad is supposed to get kids into K-Mart.



Remember now, the original Toyman was a creepy looking dude. Obviously a kid toucher. We're not talking about this guy:



Or even this, uh, guy:



We're talking about this dude:



Let me get this straight, a creepy supervillian may be hiding out in one of the aisles of your store playing with a bendy, phallic toy. Check. Ummmmm, yeah. I think I'll be going to Penny's. Thanks anyway. Good luck catching that guy. Seeing as you have your best man on it and everything.

Oh, and how does Superman trap this arch-fiend? Well, with no Hostess pies lying around, Supes is forced to rely on his wits.

Shit. Really? You don't want to call Batman and run your plan by him first? Damn. We're all doomed.

Feh. It seems the MagicSnake is a clue, so Superman (rather than fingerprinting it or bringing it to a lab or looking at it with x-ray vision) decides he has to go through all of the gagillion shapes this thing can bend into in order to find the Toyman. Finally, he makes it to the globe shape (which, incidentally, is the shape the thing is when you buy it) and figures the Toyman MUST be hiding inside the globe of the daily planet.



No problem. Evil is punished. There really should not be a door in there. Its just inviting pederast supervillians to crawl in and take up space. Sheesh. What possible function that door holds the rest of the time is beyond me.

My favorite part of this whole farce, though, is the keen memory on the K-Mart clerk. "I overheard him say, 'The Perfect Place! Aha!'" Hmmm. Really? Are you sure he didn't say "Aha! The perfect place?" or "This is the place to find that A-Ha! cassette I needed!" (this was 1983, remember). Seems fishy that he remembers so much. Superman should beat him to death, as he is obviously an accomplice.

Have you ever been to K-Mart? No one there is that helpful. No one. And try finding an employee that can remember where to find lightbulbs, nevermind quote a customer from an hour ago verbatim. Impossible. He must be in league with Toyman, and hence, must be dealt with.

Superman style.



Hooray! Justice!

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Motivation

You've all seen them. Those motivational posters that have a big dumb picture of like a whale's tale or a raindrop or a puzzle and then some sort of motivational mumbo jumbo written underneath.

Where I work they have them all over this one hallway. Its ridiculous. They even have the one that says Team: Together Everyone... something, something. I dunno I never actually read it. But its there.

So I got to thinking. What motivates me? What could get me going? What could keep me going? It most certainly isn't a dude climbing a mountain or wind surfing. So I "borrowed" some posters from the internet, put in my own art and my own copy. These are the first four:






Who's motivated now?

Man, if it wasn't for licensing and fees and, well, the law I could make a mint selling posters like this! I know it!

Zatanna's Chubby Rain



There is a lot of crap going on in Zatanna. Lots and lots of stuff. And things. Stuff and things and events... and happenings. Grant Morrison is up to his usual madness and Ryan Sook is the perfect artist to keep up with him. Its a fantastic series and I'm truly digging it. The story borrows from a lot of different places, dropping homage after homage all on the path to a great story. But the homage in issue two, intentional or no, was hilarious.

There's this magician--strike that--there's this EVIL magician, Gwydion, and he's coming to get Zatanna or something. On his way he goes through all these different forms (from rain to sea to fish, etc.,) all the while retaining a slight resemblance to Z's dad. See for yourself:



Lookit! He's inside the rain. The rain is bigger cause its holding a magician. The rain has gotten...well, Chubby:



This is too similar to the Kit Ramsey movie-within-a-movie for it to be a coincidence. Or maybe I just don't want it to be a coincidence. I'll admit it. I love Bowfinger. It marks the last great comedy of two great comedians, and makes fun of Scientology to boot. What's not to love?

For those that haven't seen it:

Hollywood, today: Bobby Bowfinger, a run-down actor-producer-director, is reading a script which a friend has written. Completely convinced of its quality, he decides to take a last shot at fame and fortune. But the script is not that easy to sell, and a famous producer promises him to do it, but there is one condition: Kit Ramsey, Hollywood's number one star, has to be in it. So, Bobby tries his luck with Kit - who says no - and then decides to shoot the film himself. Together with the cheapest team available in Southern California, an aspiring beauty from Ohio, a diva who is just a little over the hill, a key-holding gofer from a major studio and a goon hired away from burger-flipping, Bobby sets out to shoot the science-fiction-film starring Kit Ramsey - who does not even know he's being filmed.



Love it. Go rent it, stupids.

Trivia: The events in Bowfinger are loosely based on a real incident from 1927. A Russian filmmaker covertly shot footage of the vacationing Mary Pickford, and fashioned an entire film around the footage, creating the illusion that Pickford was actually starring in this Russian film.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Addicted to being Dumb

Always remember...


Over at the Hurting, there's an Open Letter to Marvel you should check out.

http://whenwillthehurtingstop.blogspot.com/

(i can't find a direct link, but go to the page, you'll find it.

The letter likens marvel's decision to change spidey's costume to that of a drug addict. Funny stuff.

Juvenile Humor of the Day

The DC Comics' Showcase editions are fantastic. I can't get enough. Best of all, they provide for some unintended and inappropriate humor.

For example, take this splash page from the story, "The Creature That Couldn't Die!"


Wait, what did he say? Lets go a little closer.


BWAH-HA-HA! "Beaten them all off." Beat off. That will always be funny. If you're not laughing then you prolly missed your boat back to Russia.

Commie.

Not to mention, by "every weapon my power ring can devise" Hal really just meant two beams of green light. Cause that's all he shot at the darn thing before almost giving up.

Oh, and the creature that COULDN'T die? It died. Hal summoned up a gigantic test-tube, slipped it over the beast like a huge connie, and watched it shrink away to nothing.

So, in the future, if you think a problem is unsolvable, at least try two different approaches before giving up and flying home to have a weird conversation about marriage with your bitch of a boss, Carol Ferris.

Seriously. What is up with her? She is an asshole.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Don't go up there with Jamie.

No matter how much he pleads, no matter how much he begs. No matter how nice he seems or what kind of pie he tells you is up there... do NOT go up there with Jamie Madrox.

He will push you off the roof.
Why didn't Richtor see it coming?


Why didn't we? Jaime Maddrox is not a guy to watch fire works with, install Christmas lights with or moon the Space Shuttle with. Unless you want him to push you off the roof..

He will push you off the fucking roof.

What?

The F-ing Man, Vol 1: JAMES HONG

As a new feature to Mylar, I present to you a new ongoing feature that spotlights people that I think are the shit. Dudes that rock faces off indiscriminately. People that, quite simple, are The Fucking Man.

It wasn't hard to find the subject for the maiden voyage of this feature. I ran into him quite accidentally, really. I was doing some, er, research on the web the other day that involved searching though google for pictures from Revenge of The Nerds II (that's "Nerds in Paradise" starring the TV's Bradley Whitford) of Ogre dressed as a Nerd from the films climactic and startling conclusion.

I didn't find it. But what I did find was slice of awesome:
Ahhh, Yes. James Hong. The Fucking Man.

If you don't recognize him as Snotty from ROTN2:NIP its of no significance. My man Hong has been in a ton of shit. Blade Runner, Wayne's World, Mulan, Seinfeld, Tango and goddamned Cash, and most importantly (to me, anyway) he played seminal bad-ass and all around bad egg David LoPan in John Carpenter's magnum opus "Big Trouble In Little China"

Man that dude rocked. He was evil as all hell, too. He rocked out with three bad-ass gods in China town and almost proved to much for Kurt Russle. Asian street gangs were at his whim (and in cool shades that looked like blinds!). He pimped so hard he wanted 2 wives. He lived a double life as a ghost and a creepy old dude. He had a fly little castle, underground, with a secret entrance located in the back of a whorehouse! He controlled a floating ball made out of eyeballs! He shot beams out of his fingers! He floated! He rocked a dope-ass Fu Manchu!

HE FIRED LIGHT RAYS OUT OF HIS FACE!!!
INDEED!

So, if for just that, James Hong would've made my list of people that are the f-ing man, but a little perusal of his website clued me in to something even cooler.

The James Hong School Of Acting.

Yeah, that's right. You can learn at the feet of LoPan hissef. The intensive 4-week class will give you the chops necessary to deliver lines like: "I will have you sent to the hell of being boiled alive, eets just that seempul!" , "You were not put on this earth to, 'Get it,' Mr. Burton." and of course "INDEED!"

Classes will run you $40 bucks a week, and you should prolly be in L.A. since that's were Hong lives, but still, its a bargain at any price. If you don't believe me you can poke around the site and see for yourself. Hong has done it all.

Need more proof? The page boasts written testimonials from the staff at Doogie Howser and Blade Runner not to mention this:
A personal thankyou from Mr. Hawaii Five-Oh himself, Jack Goddamn Lord. Book 'em LoPan, book the shit out of them.

INDEED!

Oh, man! I'm so pissed that Lopan insn't local! I'd take those classes in a second. I'd be shooting fire out of my eyes and hypnotising that chick form Mannequin! Rollin up on cats in my whicker chair and floating through trucks!

It'd be awesome!

No word yet on wether the classes will teach you how to "get a stew going." That might be exclusive to the Carl Weathers program.

So here's to you, James Hong. You, my friend, are The Fucking Man.