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Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Detective Superman and his Magic Snake

Thumbing through Green Lantern #160 for a different post (coming soon, maybe) I happened upon this ridiculous ad:

Okay, so it seems the Toyman was on the run from Superman, and decided to step into K-Mart and, uh, play with a Magic Snake. Now, I know that the Magic Snake is actually a puzzle-type toy and not entirely meant to be a euphemism. I know that, but I still laugh. Sorry. Dick and fart jokes will always be funny to me.

But getting past that, what I don't realize is how this ad is supposed to get kids into K-Mart.

Remember now, the original Toyman was a creepy looking dude. Obviously a kid toucher. We're not talking about this guy:

Or even this, uh, guy:

We're talking about this dude:

Let me get this straight, a creepy supervillian may be hiding out in one of the aisles of your store playing with a bendy, phallic toy. Check. Ummmmm, yeah. I think I'll be going to Penny's. Thanks anyway. Good luck catching that guy. Seeing as you have your best man on it and everything.

Oh, and how does Superman trap this arch-fiend? Well, with no Hostess pies lying around, Supes is forced to rely on his wits.

Shit. Really? You don't want to call Batman and run your plan by him first? Damn. We're all doomed.

Feh. It seems the MagicSnake is a clue, so Superman (rather than fingerprinting it or bringing it to a lab or looking at it with x-ray vision) decides he has to go through all of the gagillion shapes this thing can bend into in order to find the Toyman. Finally, he makes it to the globe shape (which, incidentally, is the shape the thing is when you buy it) and figures the Toyman MUST be hiding inside the globe of the daily planet.

No problem. Evil is punished. There really should not be a door in there. Its just inviting pederast supervillians to crawl in and take up space. Sheesh. What possible function that door holds the rest of the time is beyond me.

My favorite part of this whole farce, though, is the keen memory on the K-Mart clerk. "I overheard him say, 'The Perfect Place! Aha!'" Hmmm. Really? Are you sure he didn't say "Aha! The perfect place?" or "This is the place to find that A-Ha! cassette I needed!" (this was 1983, remember). Seems fishy that he remembers so much. Superman should beat him to death, as he is obviously an accomplice.

Have you ever been to K-Mart? No one there is that helpful. No one. And try finding an employee that can remember where to find lightbulbs, nevermind quote a customer from an hour ago verbatim. Impossible. He must be in league with Toyman, and hence, must be dealt with.

Superman style.

Hooray! Justice!


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