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Wednesday, February 01, 2006

The F-ing Man, Vol 1: JAMES HONG

As a new feature to Mylar, I present to you a new ongoing feature that spotlights people that I think are the shit. Dudes that rock faces off indiscriminately. People that, quite simple, are The Fucking Man.

It wasn't hard to find the subject for the maiden voyage of this feature. I ran into him quite accidentally, really. I was doing some, er, research on the web the other day that involved searching though google for pictures from Revenge of The Nerds II (that's "Nerds in Paradise" starring the TV's Bradley Whitford) of Ogre dressed as a Nerd from the films climactic and startling conclusion.

I didn't find it. But what I did find was slice of awesome:
Ahhh, Yes. James Hong. The Fucking Man.

If you don't recognize him as Snotty from ROTN2:NIP its of no significance. My man Hong has been in a ton of shit. Blade Runner, Wayne's World, Mulan, Seinfeld, Tango and goddamned Cash, and most importantly (to me, anyway) he played seminal bad-ass and all around bad egg David LoPan in John Carpenter's magnum opus "Big Trouble In Little China"

Man that dude rocked. He was evil as all hell, too. He rocked out with three bad-ass gods in China town and almost proved to much for Kurt Russle. Asian street gangs were at his whim (and in cool shades that looked like blinds!). He pimped so hard he wanted 2 wives. He lived a double life as a ghost and a creepy old dude. He had a fly little castle, underground, with a secret entrance located in the back of a whorehouse! He controlled a floating ball made out of eyeballs! He shot beams out of his fingers! He floated! He rocked a dope-ass Fu Manchu!

HE FIRED LIGHT RAYS OUT OF HIS FACE!!!
INDEED!

So, if for just that, James Hong would've made my list of people that are the f-ing man, but a little perusal of his website clued me in to something even cooler.

The James Hong School Of Acting.

Yeah, that's right. You can learn at the feet of LoPan hissef. The intensive 4-week class will give you the chops necessary to deliver lines like: "I will have you sent to the hell of being boiled alive, eets just that seempul!" , "You were not put on this earth to, 'Get it,' Mr. Burton." and of course "INDEED!"

Classes will run you $40 bucks a week, and you should prolly be in L.A. since that's were Hong lives, but still, its a bargain at any price. If you don't believe me you can poke around the site and see for yourself. Hong has done it all.

Need more proof? The page boasts written testimonials from the staff at Doogie Howser and Blade Runner not to mention this:
A personal thankyou from Mr. Hawaii Five-Oh himself, Jack Goddamn Lord. Book 'em LoPan, book the shit out of them.

INDEED!

Oh, man! I'm so pissed that Lopan insn't local! I'd take those classes in a second. I'd be shooting fire out of my eyes and hypnotising that chick form Mannequin! Rollin up on cats in my whicker chair and floating through trucks!

It'd be awesome!

No word yet on wether the classes will teach you how to "get a stew going." That might be exclusive to the Carl Weathers program.

So here's to you, James Hong. You, my friend, are The Fucking Man.

1 Comments:

Anonymous erin! said...

God james! your jealousy o' bradley whitford is astounding!!what's next? are you gonna challenge him for a duel!! it won't change my feelings for him!!! I LOVE MY TV BOYFRIEND!

10:50 AM

 

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