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Friday, April 28, 2006

C for Cookie

An Uncompromising Look At Snack Time:

Yeah, dude. Yeah.

Blue tights spotted this in California:Sweet. Friggin, sweet.

Its missing a comma though, no?


Oh, also, this dude is directing Iron Man:Vegas, baby. Vegas.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

The Largest Number You Can Think Of

I'm tired from moving.

But hey, you kids still need to learn stuff, right?

Okay, i'm just going to pop in a video then.



Or go here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QsPwqL9bwAw

Smartypants.

Friday, April 21, 2006

10 Wingless Chickens

The real danger of my new apartment isn't that its located 2 floors above my favorite bar. No, the real reason for concern is that its located 2 floors and a few yards from this place:Yeah! Planet Wings! Its like a whole planet made out of delicious chicken wings!

I haven't eaten all day in preparation for the 20 Butter Garlic Wings imma pick up on my way home tonight.

Mmmmm. Butter Garlic. I'm drooling on the keyboard, thank god its almost 4:00.

Follow this link to find a Planet Wings location near you! Unless you don't live in this area, then this information is quite useless.


WINGS!

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Max Lord: Self-Deceptive

Current writers and Countdown apologists will tell you that whenever you see Maxwell Lord acting nice or trying to better himself and find his own moral compass, that he's just lying. He's fooling everyone. He's evil as hell and just working on a 10+ year plan that involves making him look like a dope in order to usurp the world power, no matter what the cost.

Like here for instance:Huh. What an evil lying dick. He even lies TO HIMSELF when he reflects back on his life. Weird, right?

God. Can they please stop ruining the characters I like by making them turn against their own characterizations and either go all evil or kill each other or whatever? I know he died a while back now, but i'm still bothered by the reckless usage of Max, Ted and Booster. Its not right. Shit. Even Dimitri is gone! Sure, he went out as a hero, but he totally didn't need to. There were Green Lanterns on the scene for chrissakes.

Couldn't Johns have killed Stargirl or another of his dumb inventions?

Shit.

Oh, and don't forget, somehow Max went from being a cyborg back to being a human right before Countdown started, uh, counting down.

Have no fear, though, if you hate continuity as much as Dan Didio does, its easily erased:

We thought about that aspect of the story [where Maxwell was turned into a cyborg] some more," DiDio explained. "And then asked, 'Did anyone read it?' No. 'Did anyone like the idea?' No. So we moved ahead with Max as being a human, and having been a human, and not letting that small part of the past stand in the way of this story. We wanted what was best for Countdown, and for us, that meant that Max had to be a human."

I guess that means, then, that if some other writer in the next 10 years or so hates all of DiDios dumb-ass character modifications and junk, they can just change it back.

Contin-what-ity?

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Scotty Go Bye Bye

Hooray! White House Press Secretary, Scott McClellan is leaving his post! For good! Sure, he's being replaced by a guy who used to WORK AT FOX NEWS, but hey, doesn't everyone in the Bush Organization work for, with or over the Fox News Team?
So, see you later douchebag. And as you leave I want you to always remember this: I fucking hate you, you dirty little ass-faced weasel.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

New Spectre Has Dated, Lame, Facial Hair

DC solicits for July came out earlier this week and I went through them today.

Initially I was going to have a post full of snarky, underhanded swipes at Frank Miller. I would go on at length about how putting "Dark Knight Returns" and "Dark Knight Returns Some More" in the same volume is like putting a sandwich and dog poop in the same lunch-bag. I would then probably go on at length about how bad "All-Star Batman and Robin The Boy Wonder" is and how ridiculous the most recent cover (featuring Wonder Woman, I think, Its hard to tell with Miller these days).

Then I saw something that mystified me and took the snarkiness right out of my sails:The new Spectre has a goatee.

The hell? Its bad enough they pushed this dude who I had never heard of before (I don't read "Gotham Central," sue me) down our throats in "Infinite Crisis". Its bad enough he still wears silly little underpants beneath his cape.

But now? Now he has a goatee.

I just don't see how damned souls are going to take him seriously. I sure as hell am not. I thought this book would be a blip, soon to be cancelled and eventually written out of continuity all together. Now I'm SURE of it.

They could at least have given him a soul patch. It could even have been made out of real souls for all I care.

New Spectre is dumb.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Secret Wars Reenactment Society

Does just posting videos make me lazy?

Well, whatever. Here's another one.



Kang is my new favorite Marvel villian and will forevermore be etched in my brain as the dude who's mom needs tech support.

This prolly means i'm going to takem him for the next 6 or 7 times I play HeroClicks.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

A Message From Batman

Do you want some of this?

No. I don't think you want any of this.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Hal Jordan: Pervert

In my last post, I brought to everyone's attention the opening of Infinite Crisis #6. Specifically the ridiculous baseball conversation between Hal and Ollie.

At the time, I was using this simply as a backdoor method of making fun of Yankees, Yankees fans and Hal Jordan in general, all the while lamenting the poor choices of my once favorite Lantern and introducing the world to my new favorite. A Monkey Bear named Voz.

Over the weekend, however, discussions on this page and its significance have led me to a new theory.

(NOTE: You may wanna send the kids out of the room for this one. I'm going to use the word splooge. While I'm not sure that it is a swearword, its definitely vulgar and decidedly juvenile. You've been warned.)

Staring out into space, facing down millions and millions of Earth's being fused together and blowing up and making a huge apocalyptic mess of things, Hal Jordan is thinking about baseball?Why? Well why do most men think about baseball? Or, rather, what is that old cliché about thinking about baseball?

See where I'm going with this? The possible destruction of life the universe and everything has gotten Hal Jordan hot. So hot in fact that if he doesn't stop and think about baseball, he's gonna splooge in his pants. Yes. Hal Jordan is a crazy sex pervert who gets off on watching infinite earths crash into each other as their populations die screaming.

Are we SURE he's not Paralax anymore?

Friday, April 07, 2006

Guy Gardner: Douche



This page from Infinite Crisis #6 really bothered me.

It wasn't the fact that no one is overly concerned that they're staring down a large number of Earths. How many? Infinite. Which is a large number. A very large number. Infinity is retardedly big. So big so that I can't even grasp it. But somehow, someway, the new Blue Beetle, can.

No. Wasn't that.

And it wasn't the appearance of that stupid magic ironman Blue Beetle, either. No matter how lame he is, how silly he looks or how un-Blue Beetle he is. And I'll say right up front that it wasn't the bad characterization of Booster or Batman either.

No, what upset me about this page is the realization that Guy Gardner, Hal Jordan and Ollie Queen are all Yankees fans. What the fuck? Now, first of all, I would think that they'd all back their home teams, I'm sure Coast City and Star City or wherever have their own franchises, right? So that means these dudes, Hal and Ollie, are supporting teams that aren't from the city they live in, or were born in or have any real ties to.

That, is just plain stupid.

And what about Guy Gardner? Well, I shoulda seen that coming. See, Guy Gardner is a dickhead. Dickheads always seem to either like--or play for--the New York Yankees. Its just the way it works.

Now, Guy always has been (baring bouts with amnesia) a dick, and hopefully always will be. It never bothered me before cause he was always being a dick to Hal Jordan, and Hal Jordan sucks.

So I was totally cool with that. Now I find out their hanging out together and going to Yankee games? The hell? The only way that can be okay is if they're going to Earth-2 where everything is reversed. There, I'd imagine, the Yankees are a pretty cool bunch of guys and the Red Sox are evil. Also up is down and wine coolers are manly.

Crap. Well, Guy, its been real. But now the good times are over, you Yankees loving douche. Allow me to introduce the world to my NEW favorite Green Lantern, Voz.He's a purple-brown gorilla-man thing and, from what I hear, he's a Bud man and a Cubs fan.

Go Sox.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

The Easter Bunny

Ever wonder what the Easter Bunny gets up to the other 364 days of the year?



What a douche.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Steven Baldwin, Extreme Sports Evangelist


Nyack. Its a nice place to live. A nice place to hang out. A nice place to visit, to shop, to eat, to buy pornography...

Wait a minute there, sonnychim, you didn't count on Steven Baldwin, Extreme Sports Evangelist.

Baldwin, who is taking a break from his string of flops has decided to go on a one-idiot crusade against a new porno palace opening right up the road from me in Nyack. Seems Baldwin himself lives a mile from the new den of sin, and he (like the Rock in "Walking Tall" before him) has decided to shut down what he considers to be an evil enterprise.

Baldwin plans to stand outside the store every day and take photos of people going in, and their license plates until the business folds under the weight of his moral certainty. He will, he threatens, identify the store's customers and pay for a one-page newspaper ad each month to publish their names.

Now, I know what you're thinking. Sounds like an excellent way to get in the paper. Yup, way ahead of you pal. I'm on it. Plus, I plan on snapping a few shots of the second Barney Rubble myself for publication on this very blog. What I worry is that Baldwin will run out of money before he gets all the shots in the paper. I mean, when was his last hit? He can't be making that much bread on televangelism, and one-page ads in the newspaper cost a pretty penny.

"I won't stop until it shuts down," Baldwin told the Westchester Journal News. "I don't want it this close to my house. I'm personally not OK with pornography. I definitely think that it adds to the moral decay or our culture."

Moral decay of our culture? This is the asshole who thought it was okay to make a Slap Shot 2, for chrissakes. I mean, really, has he even seen his own IMDB page?

The problem is, Baldwin is just famous enough that no one tells him no. Or if they do, he doesn't listen. I bet, though, that most people just dismiss him as a nut and write off his insanity. But Stephen Baldwin was awesome in the Usual Suspects, so he gets a tiny bit of credit from me, enough credit that I will address him directly as per his recent zaniness.

Look. Steven. Buddy. I like you. I think its hilarious and crazy and great that you have this new Jesus thing. Those DVDs of people skating and talking about the Lord are great. I bet Jesus himself woulda skateboarded. He seemed like a rad dude. A real chill fellow. Prolly woulda thrashed like a motherfucker too.

I've watched you on the religious channel (its the one up in the 80s on Rockland cable that has that weird Old English crest in the lower right hand corner of the screen). You're good. Truly an entertaining and engaging minister or whatever.

And, Steven, if you've found a way to get through your hard life as a rich movie star by turning to a god or what have you, then that's great. Good for you, harry. For you. Maybe not for everyone though, dig me?

This crusade to "Save Nyack" is a joke. Come on dude, stop acting like you're doing it for the good of the town. You're barely a resident. I've lived there for 3 years and haven't seen you drinking at Olive's once! Oh, you don't drink anymore? Well, I haven't seen you at the supermarket or the diner or the Coldstones either. And don't deny it, I've seen your waistline. You're not saying no to Coldstone's delicious hand-packed ice cream.

Why can't you be more like your brother? No, not Alec. You'll never be like Alec. And I understand not wanting to be like the fat druggy Baldwin from celebrity fit club (you'll prolly get a chance to get his picture as he buys porn).

No. Steven, you should be more like William and just go away. I haven't seen that creep in years. And I seriously DIG that about him, man!

Oh, and The Usual Suspects totally rocks. Totally. Oswald WAS a fag.




SOURCE: World Net Daily

Monday, April 03, 2006

'Git er' out of my face, Larry.

Okay, you know what Larry? Don't.

Just... don't.

You sir are no Fletch. Hell, neither is Chevy Chase anymore, but that's not the point.

Sit your retarded hillbilly ass in the corner and wait untill someone tells you to come out again. I'd wager it'll be around the fifth of never.

If you must go to the bathroom, you'll just have to make in your pants. It'll be gross, but i'm pretty sure one good set of messed underpants will give someone of your comedic calibur about 12 hours of material.

So, your welcome.

New York will Bitch Slap You.

You know what? My ass has been on pause over the weekend.

Oh, sure, I saw Slither in the theater and i bagged and boarded some Kamandi comics, but my weekend wasn't complete untill i saw this:



Oh, man. Best show ever. Its like one Jerry Springer episode stretched over an entire season with elements of the Bachelor and Blind Date thrown into the mix. Brilliant.

Added to which, because Flavor Flav's connection to the lovely "Hoopz" didn't work out, he has decided to do it again next season.

Television, I think I love you.