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Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Steven Baldwin, Extreme Sports Evangelist

Nyack. Its a nice place to live. A nice place to hang out. A nice place to visit, to shop, to eat, to buy pornography...

Wait a minute there, sonnychim, you didn't count on Steven Baldwin, Extreme Sports Evangelist.

Baldwin, who is taking a break from his string of flops has decided to go on a one-idiot crusade against a new porno palace opening right up the road from me in Nyack. Seems Baldwin himself lives a mile from the new den of sin, and he (like the Rock in "Walking Tall" before him) has decided to shut down what he considers to be an evil enterprise.

Baldwin plans to stand outside the store every day and take photos of people going in, and their license plates until the business folds under the weight of his moral certainty. He will, he threatens, identify the store's customers and pay for a one-page newspaper ad each month to publish their names.

Now, I know what you're thinking. Sounds like an excellent way to get in the paper. Yup, way ahead of you pal. I'm on it. Plus, I plan on snapping a few shots of the second Barney Rubble myself for publication on this very blog. What I worry is that Baldwin will run out of money before he gets all the shots in the paper. I mean, when was his last hit? He can't be making that much bread on televangelism, and one-page ads in the newspaper cost a pretty penny.

"I won't stop until it shuts down," Baldwin told the Westchester Journal News. "I don't want it this close to my house. I'm personally not OK with pornography. I definitely think that it adds to the moral decay or our culture."

Moral decay of our culture? This is the asshole who thought it was okay to make a Slap Shot 2, for chrissakes. I mean, really, has he even seen his own IMDB page?

The problem is, Baldwin is just famous enough that no one tells him no. Or if they do, he doesn't listen. I bet, though, that most people just dismiss him as a nut and write off his insanity. But Stephen Baldwin was awesome in the Usual Suspects, so he gets a tiny bit of credit from me, enough credit that I will address him directly as per his recent zaniness.

Look. Steven. Buddy. I like you. I think its hilarious and crazy and great that you have this new Jesus thing. Those DVDs of people skating and talking about the Lord are great. I bet Jesus himself woulda skateboarded. He seemed like a rad dude. A real chill fellow. Prolly woulda thrashed like a motherfucker too.

I've watched you on the religious channel (its the one up in the 80s on Rockland cable that has that weird Old English crest in the lower right hand corner of the screen). You're good. Truly an entertaining and engaging minister or whatever.

And, Steven, if you've found a way to get through your hard life as a rich movie star by turning to a god or what have you, then that's great. Good for you, harry. For you. Maybe not for everyone though, dig me?

This crusade to "Save Nyack" is a joke. Come on dude, stop acting like you're doing it for the good of the town. You're barely a resident. I've lived there for 3 years and haven't seen you drinking at Olive's once! Oh, you don't drink anymore? Well, I haven't seen you at the supermarket or the diner or the Coldstones either. And don't deny it, I've seen your waistline. You're not saying no to Coldstone's delicious hand-packed ice cream.

Why can't you be more like your brother? No, not Alec. You'll never be like Alec. And I understand not wanting to be like the fat druggy Baldwin from celebrity fit club (you'll prolly get a chance to get his picture as he buys porn).

No. Steven, you should be more like William and just go away. I haven't seen that creep in years. And I seriously DIG that about him, man!

Oh, and The Usual Suspects totally rocks. Totally. Oswald WAS a fag.

SOURCE: World Net Daily


Anonymous Lisa said...

hahahha "string of flops".

Dude, why am I only now learning that Nyack has a Coldstone?!

Let's not forget that the blonde, impy Baldwin was in a movie called Threesome (1994) where there is a long sex scene between 2 men and 1 woman, tons of nudity, oral sex under the sheets, and an orgasm on the library table. I wonder if that's for sale at the shop.

7:02 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey, you forgot to mention his exceptional performance with his fellow has-been Paully Shore in Bio Dome!

7:15 AM

Blogger Blue Violet said...

Baldwin blog, brilliant!

3:16 PM


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