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Thursday, June 29, 2006

Superman Returns (to Otisburg)

Wow. Holyshit. Fuck.

The new Superman movie kicks ass. I loved it. LOVED it. It really hit me in the guts from the (fantasic) opening credit sequence all the way untill the end.

I don't have time for a full review (and i'm sleepy) so how about a quick pro and con, though, shall we?


I didn't care for Perry White. Found him to be dull and uninteresting. The others that have come before (Jackie Coogan in particular) brought something to the table, the played the chief like his comicbook counterpart. My girlfriend suggested that they didn't want him to be to excited and yelly cause that might make people think he's ripping off the current JJJ over in the Spidey movies (played brilliantly by JK Simmons). That's prolly true, and that's why hollywood sucks. GREAT CEASARS' GHOST! Give me a Perry that gives a damn. That gets excited about shit. That chews on a cigar and yells at Jimmy Olsen. Shit. This guy walked around like a corpse. I guess that's what you get when you hire Dracula.

Lois. What the hell. She looked way too young to have a kid, she didn't look very pretty, and she didn't come off as a tough as nails reporter. Her scenes with Perry were the worst in the film. Fire her before the sequels. Fire her tomorrow. She sucks ass.


Everything else.

Seriously, the rest of the movie really did it for me. Particular stand outs were Jimmy Olsen and when Routh was in "Clark" mode. Fantasic. That's gotta be the closest thing to Jimmy from the comics I've ever seen. Loved it.

The Good, the Bland and the Ugly

Shit! FUCK! Superman Returns kicks ass. I can hardly contain myself. I gotta go see a third time.

It was missing one thing, though. There's only one thing I'd add. One crucial element that really would've made it the best thing since oxygen:

Ned Goddamn Beatty.

Does this mean we're not going to Addis Abbaba Mistah Lewtor?

Monday, June 26, 2006

And now, Sport!

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, kids. I've gone and caught World Cup Fever.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Unmasking the Dumb

Holy Crap! Spider-Man has been puny Peter Parker this whole time?!? I had no idea!Yuck. You know, if i was spending my days in that Iron Man armor thing, I wouldn't be able to wait to get it off either. What? He changed back for the press conference? Oh, well, then that makes it even more stupid.

Okay, so i'll admit it. I have not been reading Civil War. Why? Well, its by Marvel, and we all know that marvel is...well, you know. But the latest issue wrapped with one of those "shocking" moments that are so big, so overwhelming that even my parents hear about them. That is big. They knew when Superman died. They knew about the Spider Wedding. They knew about Electric Superman, and now I'm sure they'll have heard about this.

But here's what bothers me about the whole deal. Its an obvious stunt, right? That's a given. But I can't help thinking that its only a matter of time untill they fix it. I don't read Spidey books and haven't since the 80s, so I could care less what they do with the character, but come on. Does any one think for a second that this is gonna last?

The real annoying thing, though, is that everyone is claiming he's the first big superhero to go public ever. That is untrue for both companies. Flash did it waaaaaay back. Wally West won the lottery and told every one he was the Flash. It was great. And over in Spidey's backyard Captain America did it to stop a bunch of terrorists. He did it on live television. So Spidey is far from the first.

And now they have Cap on the side of those who don't want people to have to unmask? What the hell?!? I guess I could read all the issues and try to make heads or tails of it instead of relying on what my roommate and my girlfriend's brother tell me about the Civil War... Nah, I'm not going to do that. This is a Marvel book and as I'm sure to never forget:

Monday, June 12, 2006


Somewhere in the off season my kickball team, The Sugartits, got really good at kickball.

We've a lock on fourthplace and we're edging up on the top three having won 3 of our last four, and tying the other one. In a rainstorm.

Man! Does it get anybetter than kickball in the rain? I put it to you that it does not!

America's Team, The SugarTits!

Secret Awesome Man

Seriously, Hasslehoff? Don't ever stop being so awesomely crazy.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Physics in the DCU

Okay, so I've been reading some pre-crisis crossovers lately. This one I'm into now is a ripping good yarn involving the JLA, the JSA, and from Earth-S a group called Shazam's Super Squad. Its a pretty lame group, this Earth-S group, cause there's no one from the Marvel family at all so far (I'm only 2 issues into the three issues crossover) and the Super Squad is pretty much Bulletman, Bulletgirl, Spy Smasher, Mr. Scarlet and Pinky.

Yes. Pinky. The character that makes Robin look butch by comparison. At one point in the story his hair gets transmographied into diamonds, and I tell you what, I think he likes it. Meanwhile, Batman's jaw is slowly turning to granite (kind of like Harrison Ford's has been doing for the last 20 years, zing!). Fair trade, I guess. Man, If I was The Weeper (one of the villains of this tale), I'd so lop the boys head off and make my fortune. See ya later, Earth-S losers, I'm a crying billionaire. But that doesn't happen. Not even a little.

That's crazy enough, but the real threat in this crisis is a dude known as King Kull, Lord of the Beastmen. Yeah, he's basically King Shit of Turd Mountain, but he has a mad on for all the earths, or at least 1, 2 and S. In his initial plan, he sends out a cloud of some kind in a plan to sink all the world's land into the ocean. Here, its better if Superman explains it. Supes? Right, Ollie. Good point.

In the following panels, Superman negates gravity by flying off and Wonderwoman hops into an invisible jet. Was that covered in your college physics? I can't imagine even having physics classes in the DCU, what would be the point? Everytime a law of the universe is set down in stone, some asshole in a cape comes along and disproves it anyway.

But, you know, clouds that make islands sink are just not possible. Just ask the millionaire douchebag in the Robin Hood costume. He knows physics better than Hawkings. Dopes. He'll tell you that island sinking clouds are impossible but this isn't:Yeah, that's how they got there. They flew from Earth to Earth in the Batmobile, with the help of the worlds largest (and nakedest) hood ornament.

At least Superman takes a more philosophical approach to the matter. He's a regular Socrates compared to GA, he knows he knows nothing. Dig it:Ha ha! But he's going to go punch it anyway. That's our Superman. What is this? I dunno. I'm not smart enough to figure it out... well, better sock it in the puss.

YAY! JUSTICE!!! I can't wait to see how this story ends.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Frame job.

Yeah, but is it art?I particularly like the ornate wicker frame they got around it. Bad enough we gotta look at dead guy photos on CNN, but looking at Pottery Barn-esque frames is just going too far.

I understand the bits of him that blew off in the explosion were placed in a series of vases and wall sconces. It really brought the room together. Christopher Lowell would be proud.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Birthday Wishes!

Hey fools. Today is May 6, 2006. Or, if you're into the whole brevity thing 06/06/06.

Six six six. The number of the beast. I'm sure metal fans and cult members are flipping out today, because 6/6/6 is supposed to be satan's birthday.

Happy birthday buddy. That's a cool pitchfork by the way. What's it for? Hay work? Stabbing? Its rad looking, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

At least I think its Satan's birthday. I heard also that it may be his baby's birthday. Like that movie that Dick Donner did well in the 70s and some hack has just remade (probably) badly just in time for the big day. In the movie, his son's main power, i think, is just being terribly creepy and looking all european and shit. But I remember Satan's son in a rad cape with dope boots:Still stickin' with the pitchfork though, huh buddy?

All the power of the underworld at your command and you carry a farming implement. What a dumbass. You deserve to marry a dummy in a cat suit. Really you do. I assume you wear a cape for protection from the elements or something like that, right? So why no shirt? Is it so we can see your hipster tattoo you dufas? Cause I'm over it. Get a t-shirt. Something.


Monday, June 05, 2006

Still, he's straighter than Batman.

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Oh cool, a magazine with Superman on the cover. I'll have to pick it up. I think its for lawyers or something like that. Hmmm. Lets see what the article is ab--heyyyyyyyyyyy.

Friday, June 02, 2006


Since I'm lazy and off writing other nonsense, and since people seemed to enjoy the first "Spaced" clip i threw up, here's another. This time, the guys go to paintball immediately following the end of Mike's 6 month ban. They run into Dwayne Bensie (Pete from Shaun of the Dead) the smarmy asshole who stole Tim's girlfriend before episode one.

Listen close to the music during the Dwayne flashback, its a clarinet-only remake of the Baywatch theme.

love it.

If you're all good, I may return with a clip from "Robot Wars"