How To Get Fired From A Comic Shop

He's right, though. It IS a big pile of shit.

Sometimes with syrup.

I bet you were you saucy minx. I bet you were.

10 Things I Hate About Commandments

Oh, man.

Aaron Pierce is a Bad Ass.

HOW COOL IS THAT?!?

Where the Real "Action" is.

Hello, the internet.

So, I've been reading this Superman Chronicles thing. Have you heard about it? Its every Superman comic, ever, in the chronological order they were released. Now, granted, its not that impressive yet cause there's really only one volume, but still its a cool undertaking and unlike the Showcase editions (which I love and want to marry) these stories featured in full color.

But, before I use my blogspace to talk about what these comics contain, I'd rather get into a little bit about what they omit. As we all know, Superman debuted in the first issue of Action Comics. AC featured multiple stories and arcs, different characters and above all else, a lot of "action." Supes appeared on the first cover, and sporadically on other covers in the first couple years until, at issue 18 Supes took over the book and the cover, and no one else ever got a shot at the lime light.

In the Chronicles edition, however, they include the covers to all the issues, even the covers that don't feature Superman and, I gotta tell you, it makes me really want to read those missing stories. DC teased the hell out of me, I'll admit.

Just check what is missing:Okay, near as I can tell, this is a wolfman who's been cornered by a Canadian Mountee. How cool is that? A Canadian wolfman? I'm so there. I bet he eats a whole hockey team.


Fuck. This guy is hardcore. Out of bullets, surrounded by the enemy, in the middle of the goddamned desert, and what does he do? Surrender? Hell no, he turns his gun around and prepares to beat the shit out of the first mofo to get close to him. Bad. Ass. You just know he's an American. Prolly Kid Rock's grandfather or an early incarnation of Jack Bauer. Fuck! He's even got his shirt off Captain Kirk style. My hero.


I understand that the book was about Superman, but DC must know that I'd buy an entire volume titled "Monkey Sneak Attacks" or "I've Been Pimp Slapped by a Gorilla Omnibus."
I love how the ape looks like he's just gonna wait until that dude turns around. Classic. Its like a super violent Abbot and Costello movie. Word.


Another in Action's "Guns as Blunt Weapons" series. This time featuring a guy in one of those cool painter's hats from the 80s that had flaps on the back to keep the sun from giving you a weird tan where your rat tail hung. What? You didn't have one of those in the 80s? Loser.
Anyway, 80s surfer-man is totally about to wreck shop on Erica Badu's dad who is fighting back with a sword. Yeah, he brought a knife to a gun fight. And he still could win! Extra props for the Iron Sheik books he's wearing. Sim Sala Bim, my stereotypical friend.


Again, who wouldn't pick up this comic?!? Its a native American choking the shit out of some bastard Red Coat.
Throwing some tea away seems pretty cool and all, but this guy was doing the Mandible Claw 300 years early. That rocks balls.

Its just too bad I didn't get that story in the trade. Its also too bad that these rad covers stopped after 17 issues. Number 18 came along and Clark took over, giving us such memorable nonsense as this:Yeah, uh... don't push there. He's gonna shit on the fire.

Somehow we went from Wolfmen and Bare-Knuckled badasses to Superman massaging Santa's bunt.

Improvement? You tell me.

What If Marvel Wasn't Dumb?

I'm convinced that Marvel gets their "new" ideas from old What If? comics.

Case in point:

Hmmmm, seem familar? This comic, like most of the line is probably retarded and probably ends with:
A)The Universe Blowing Up,
B) Galactus,
C) Both A & B or
D) Someone joins S.H.I.E.L.D.

They are all like that. All of them. Some of them even start with option D. Its gotta be about 20% of the line that features the tagline "What if INSERT NAME had become an agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.?"

I tell you what if. It would suck ass. That's what if.

You want a headache? Go back and look at your old What If? comics. You want a migraine? Read them. It'll make you think, though. You'll think, "What if Marvel wasn't dumb?"

But, always remember:

Average Home Boy Returns.

Yeah, yeah, Superman is coming back. Blah blah blah.

But you know who else is back? The Average Homeboy.

Dig it:


and in case you missed the debut:



Yeah. Denny "Blazin" Hazen. The Average Homeboy. The only thing about this rad cat that isn't average is his mullet.

And his racism.

Now, its just a demo, so it a little rough. So go easy on him, and prepare to be BLAZED!

Dance Dance Revolution, Hubbard Style

Mission Impossible III opens today, and I'm going to see it.

I love summer movie season, and I was prolly gonna see this no matter what. Plus, I loved the first one (even if the second one blew) and i'm a big fan of director J. Abrams other work, especially "Lost."

Then there's the main reason I'm psyched:Yeah! Simon Pegg as Benji Dunn. Woo-hoo!

His appearance is just enough to counter the shennanigans of Senor Crazy Pants himself, Tom Cruise.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to DANCE!!!

These dance moves will self destruct in ten seconds.

Infinite Crisis Aftermath: I Am An Idiot

I went to the comicbook store yesterday all set to buy a copy of this:

But, as I am an idiot, I walked out the door with a copy of this:

See, they had to piles on the racks, one had the awesome George Perez cover and the other had the merely passable Jim Lee cover. Not wanting to buy the first comic on the stack (its been pawed through by children, afterall) I grabbed one from the middle of what I thought was a pile of Perez-y goodness.

Well, It wasn't all Perez in that pile. I stuck it in my pile and paid and left and halfway down the road I realized, to my horror, that I'd purchased the cover by Lee.

Granted, Its the best cover Lee's done for the seven-issue mini, but it can't touch Perez. And even though Lee does have G'nort on the cover, front and center, Perez gave us a close up of Black Manta getting socked in the puss by Batman and Wonderwoman about to bodyslam a monkey.

Dammit! I've been kicking myself since I realized. I'll be kicking myself for a while. At least until I break down and do something I thought I'd never do: buy a second copy of a comic I already have.

SQUAWK! SQUAWK!

Wait, so i'll be as dead as that completely living thing? Ummm.... okay.

Gotta love the old school Penguin. Bird-themed nonsense, umbrella weapons and terrible squawking. So much better than the short, political, mob figure he's become.

Speaking of the best villians of all time:He's a ghost. It says so right in his name. Duh.

Superhero Science: Communicate With Fish

The New-Age Science Nerds over at ENKI have come up with what they call a "Fish Based Relaxation System."

The goal of their project is to induce a state of extreme relaxation through communication signals from electric fish. The project is based around "Brainwave Entrainment" in which the senses are presented with rhythmic stimuli that cause the brain to synchronize its electric cycles with the stimuli's rhythm. Instead of using pre-programmed chips like other Brainwave Entrainment systems, the ENKI project uses the electric organ discharge of Electric Fish, creating the "possibility of becoming one with the mind of nature."

That would explain why Aquaman is so calm all the time. Oh, wait. He's not.

Ever.

Maybe he should try listening to the fish instead of just barking orders at them all the time. It might chill him out a bit. Get him to deal with the fact that his book sucks, has sucked and probably will always suck. As it was, so it shall suck. But its cool A.C. Relax. The fish want you to calm down. Chill out with some sea life and just let it go.

More Fishy Relaxation information can be found here. And, coming soon, we look at new lenses that imitate X-Ray vision. No really.

Prepare to have your face rocked off.

Hey! I got a haircut yesterday.

But also, I saw the most kick-assiest trailer for the much anticipated "Superman Returns" yesterday. If you haven't seen it, please do.

Look, Up In the Sky, Its a TRAILER.

Whoo-boy. I'm excited. Hearing the Jon Williams really gave me chills. Hot damn.

The only thing that looks stupid is the little kid with the mop-top. But, I keep telling myself that the child will turn out to be Mister Mxyzptlk, and that seems to calm me down. Or maybe James "Cyclops" Marsden is actually Braniac and the kid is 2.0? Something. Gimme something.

Also, Superman should fight a giant monkey.