mylar

1994: Earth's Civilization Is Cast In Ruins.

2006-10-04T12:27:00.000-07:00

hey. remember that time in 1994 when the moon got destroyed and all the clouds got sucked off the earth by a meteor?

..>

me neither. but i want a sun sword.

i'll need it if i'm gonna fight lizard monsters and shit.

its a shame this had to happen. it seems to me that a mere 7 years prior, in 1987, we sent up a space probe to look for precisely this sort of shit.

i wonder what happened to it:

..>

oooh, thats a rockin' jam they played over the closing credits. makes me wanna...i think i have to... dance!

..>

DANCE!

Its called getting down. Its a little before your time... if it frightens you.

How about the fact that he taught that guy how to do shitty seventies disco funk music (even though he calls it rock) simply by snapping his fingers and boogieing down in front of him. That guy got it on the second try, though.

In the future, there are no books for karaoke.

Beedy Beedy Beedy, indeed, Tiki.

A Blog of Two Fathers.

2006-10-04T11:19:00.000-07:00

I know, I know.

I haven't posted here in a while.

Lately, my other blog has been taking up all my time. I thought i could post the same blog in two places with no mess, but if you look at the Pa Kent blog, you'll see how untrue that really is. If you wanna check out the other blog, though, here's the link:

My older Blog, or as I call it: "Classic."

Deal with that, bitches.

karr and garth: best evil twins ever

2006-09-11T08:47:00.000-07:00

and now a word or two about evil twins.

...the last week or so i was growing a beard. It was ridiculous (see my new photos!). So then i trimmed it in a move that would no doubt anger clint eastwood while making fans of blade 3 rejoice (both of you!). Then, having had enough, friday i shaved off everything but the mustache.

It looked ridiculous--pictures to come.

I looked like my own evil twin. At least i thought i did. Everyone knew it was me, though. I mean, its just a mustache. So i guess everything i learned in the 80s was a god damned lie. Shit.

But that's the way it works with evil twins. They can't be too similar, they gotta have something to set them off from their "good" counterpart. And in 80s tv, there was no way better to show that a guy was evil than to slap a goatee or mustache on him. Its just radiates sinister. Like Sinestro.

So, in cellebration of my one-day mustache, i present for you the greatest battles of good vs evil twin ever captured on film. Coincientally, they're both from the same TV Series.

Lord. Is there any part that the Hoff CAN'T play? Genius. Dig how he not only has a mustache, but a little chin deal going too. Totally evil. If i remember correctly he was the son of the head of Knight Industries and the reason he looks like the Hoff is that Michael was given Garth's face after the accident that began his shadowy flight into the world of a man who does not exist. Garth in the meantime spent a bunch of time in Aftrican prisons where the lack of good hygene and medical care caused his hair to baloon out to Space-Balls size proportions and his face to explode into a cacaphony of evil facial hair. I think in this episode he teams up with said africans to destroy Knight Rider or something (are you looking for the plot to make sense? cause it won't. point is, its Michael vs Garth and its awesome.)

Garth Knight, driver of Goliath. Gotta love him. That fight didn't go to well for Michael though, huh? And Goliath didn't even use his missles (he's got a crap ton of missles), or his guns (loads of guns) or even the creepy sleeper cabin where Garth invites lonely hitchhikers to take a load off and have some ramen noodles while he plays his Rush tapes and drops some road wisdom on them. Terrifying.

You can tell by the photo that he's evil. He's got a sinister goatee AND he smokes like a douchebag.

But that's not the only character on Knight Rider to face an evil doppleganger. Observe:

That's KITT's nemesis, KARR (which stands for Knight Automated Roving Robot, possibly the best non-GIJoe anagram ever). KARR was the original prototype of KITT. He didn't work out, he was too irrational and, yes, too human. It wasn't untill the 2000 model (KITT) that they started making their cars 3 Laws Safe. (I would argue that that makes KITT a subservient little bitch-boy of a car.)

So anyway, KARR was obviously dismantled when they found out he was dangerous and he was never heard from once KITT came out. Right? Well, no, dummy or there'd be no show. Rather, he came back in the episode "Trust Doesn't Rust" and again in the ep featured above simply titled "KITT vs KARR" in which the two have a fantastic show down culminating in... well you should watch and see for yourself. All I'll say is, I think Karr's interior was made out of plastic explosives and gasoline.

Notice that they even found a way to give KARR an evil goatte. When he showed up originally he was identical to KITT ('cept the evil business) but eventually he became a two-tone job, as a way to tell them apart and also to let other cars out there know: this shit-bag is evil and full of hate.

And gasoline.

Its a shame that the show didn't stay on long enough for Garth and KARR to team up. Imagine it, Goliath pulls up next to the Phoenix foundation's semi and everyone starts freaking out cause they know it has missles and old ramen and shit inside of it. So they send out the Hoff in KITT to do battle. And he's all like, "No problem, I'll be back in two shakes, just in time to be sexually inappropriate to Bonnie." And the english guy would go, "Oh Michael." and Michael would be like "That's Bonnie's line." Then they'd all laugh (well, not bonnie, as she's just been verbally assaulted) and he hops into KITT and goes to work. BUT as they're letting KITT out, they notice the back of Goliath opens up... and out rolls KARR... WITH GARTH DRIVING!!!! bum-bum-bummmmmmm!
It would be better than when Lex Luthor wore braniac on his head in that Alan Moore story "Whatever happened to the man of tomorrow."

if a hero is defined by his villians, then i think these two clips show: Knight Rider was fucking ridiculous.

but what's not to love about that?

all my powers, and i couldn't save him

2006-09-01T08:23:00.000-07:00

Nope. Couldn't save him. But then, he was really really old.

Glenn Ford who, to me at least, will always be Superman's dad (eat it brando) died the other day at the age of 90. Over the years he did like 85 films or something, and one of them was Superman so he rules and you better recognize. Check out the Associated Press story for more info.

What the AP won't tell you, though, is that Glenn Ford once beat down that ditzy dame from Buck Rogers (wasn't i just talking about Buck?) and Silver Spoons.

Pa Kent: His Pimp Hand was strong.

thanks to capedwonder.com for the opening image

Lazy Blogging: Gangbusters Part I

2006-08-17T10:33:00.000-07:00

Don't worry Sir, the criminals in the line up can't see you. You can only see them.Oh, Damn.

Call me crazy, but i'd love to read this story. Screw Saw. To Hell with Saw II. This thing looks dope. He's like a ticking martian timebomb of crime fighting goodness! What's not to dig?

Fun with Daredevil

2006-08-01T05:50:00.000-07:00

Hey kids, do you love Daredevil? No, not that Daredevil. The one who can see.

Which is too bad, because blindness is about that only thing that would explain his terrible, terrible costume.

Yeah. Only suckers are fair. Stab.

Its time for Daredevil's battle of the human shields! Whee!BANG! Well, that's one down. Eat boomarang, assy.

And last but not least:
A cougar riding a horse fighting a midget with a pitchfork. Fuck. Daredevil comics are no joke.

Mickey Spillane 1918-2006

2006-07-18T12:00:00.000-07:00

"Basic Military Journalism?" Who do you think you are, Mickey Fuckin' Spillane?!?

I always loved that line from Full Metal Jacket. Not just for the swears (he said Fuck!) but for the idea behind it. Sure, Joker wasn't going into the mystery writing business. But, yeah, what writer that ever tried his hand at the hard boiled detective didn't think he was Mickey Spillane?

Sadly, there was only one. Even more sadly, he's gone now.The legendary mystery writer, author of the hard-boiled "Mike Hammer" stories and "Mike Danger" graphic novels has died at the age of 87.

He will be missed, but thankfully, we got loads of his stuff lying around to fill the void. Not to mention the imitators and the authors out there that trained at his teet. I'm sure Azzarello, Bendis, Parker and the like would happily count Spillane as one of their heroes.

If you're a singer you lose your voice. A baseball player loses his arm. A writer gets more knowledge, and if he's good, the older he gets, the better he writes. -- Mickey Spillane

Bye Mickey.

Stacey Keach as Mike Hammer

I'm immature.

2006-07-17T07:07:00.000-07:00

Mary Jane shits spider webs.

Cause that's where Peter likes to put it.

Superman Returns (to Otisburg)

2006-06-29T09:29:00.000-07:00

Wow. Holyshit. Fuck.

The new Superman movie kicks ass. I loved it. LOVED it. It really hit me in the guts from the (fantasic) opening credit sequence all the way untill the end.

I don't have time for a full review (and i'm sleepy) so how about a quick pro and con, though, shall we?

CONs:

I didn't care for Perry White. Found him to be dull and uninteresting. The others that have come before (Jackie Coogan in particular) brought something to the table, the played the chief like his comicbook counterpart. My girlfriend suggested that they didn't want him to be to excited and yelly cause that might make people think he's ripping off the current JJJ over in the Spidey movies (played brilliantly by JK Simmons). That's prolly true, and that's why hollywood sucks. GREAT CEASARS' GHOST! Give me a Perry that gives a damn. That gets excited about shit. That chews on a cigar and yells at Jimmy Olsen. Shit. This guy walked around like a corpse. I guess that's what you get when you hire Dracula.

Lois. What the hell. She looked way too young to have a kid, she didn't look very pretty, and she didn't come off as a tough as nails reporter. Her scenes with Perry were the worst in the film. Fire her before the sequels. Fire her tomorrow. She sucks ass.

PROs:

Everything else.

Seriously, the rest of the movie really did it for me. Particular stand outs were Jimmy Olsen and when Routh was in "Clark" mode. Fantasic. That's gotta be the closest thing to Jimmy from the comics I've ever seen. Loved it.

The Good, the Bland and the Ugly

Shit! FUCK! Superman Returns kicks ass. I can hardly contain myself. I gotta go see a third time.

It was missing one thing, though. There's only one thing I'd add. One crucial element that really would've made it the best thing since oxygen:

Ned Goddamn Beatty.

Does this mean we're not going to Addis Abbaba Mistah Lewtor?

And now, Sport!

2006-06-26T07:21:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, kids. I've gone and caught World Cup Fever.

Unmasking the Dumb

2006-06-15T06:41:00.000-07:00

Holy Crap! Spider-Man has been puny Peter Parker this whole time?!? I had no idea!Yuck. You know, if i was spending my days in that Iron Man armor thing, I wouldn't be able to wait to get it off either. What? He changed back for the press conference? Oh, well, then that makes it even more stupid.

Okay, so i'll admit it. I have not been reading Civil War. Why? Well, its by Marvel, and we all know that marvel is...well, you know. But the latest issue wrapped with one of those "shocking" moments that are so big, so overwhelming that even my parents hear about them. That is big. They knew when Superman died. They knew about the Spider Wedding. They knew about Electric Superman, and now I'm sure they'll have heard about this.

But here's what bothers me about the whole deal. Its an obvious stunt, right? That's a given. But I can't help thinking that its only a matter of time untill they fix it. I don't read Spidey books and haven't since the 80s, so I could care less what they do with the character, but come on. Does any one think for a second that this is gonna last?

The real annoying thing, though, is that everyone is claiming he's the first big superhero to go public ever. That is untrue for both companies. Flash did it waaaaaay back. Wally West won the lottery and told every one he was the Flash. It was great. And over in Spidey's backyard Captain America did it to stop a bunch of terrorists. He did it on live television. So Spidey is far from the first.

And now they have Cap on the side of those who don't want people to have to unmask? What the hell?!? I guess I could read all the issues and try to make heads or tails of it instead of relying on what my roommate and my girlfriend's brother tell me about the Civil War... Nah, I'm not going to do that. This is a Marvel book and as I'm sure to never forget:

Sugartits!

2006-06-12T12:24:00.000-07:00

Somewhere in the off season my kickball team, The Sugartits, got really good at kickball.

We've a lock on fourthplace and we're edging up on the top three having won 3 of our last four, and tying the other one. In a rainstorm.

Man! Does it get anybetter than kickball in the rain? I put it to you that it does not!

America's Team, The SugarTits!

Secret Awesome Man

2006-06-12T06:40:00.000-07:00

Seriously, Hasslehoff? Don't ever stop being so awesomely crazy.

Physics in the DCU

2006-06-09T07:19:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I've been reading some pre-crisis crossovers lately. This one I'm into now is a ripping good yarn involving the JLA, the JSA, and from Earth-S a group called Shazam's Super Squad. Its a pretty lame group, this Earth-S group, cause there's no one from the Marvel family at all so far (I'm only 2 issues into the three issues crossover) and the Super Squad is pretty much Bulletman, Bulletgirl, Spy Smasher, Mr. Scarlet and Pinky.

Yes. Pinky. The character that makes Robin look butch by comparison. At one point in the story his hair gets transmographied into diamonds, and I tell you what, I think he likes it. Meanwhile, Batman's jaw is slowly turning to granite (kind of like Harrison Ford's has been doing for the last 20 years, zing!). Fair trade, I guess. Man, If I was The Weeper (one of the villains of this tale), I'd so lop the boys head off and make my fortune. See ya later, Earth-S losers, I'm a crying billionaire. But that doesn't happen. Not even a little.

That's crazy enough, but the real threat in this crisis is a dude known as King Kull, Lord of the Beastmen. Yeah, he's basically King Shit of Turd Mountain, but he has a mad on for all the earths, or at least 1, 2 and S. In his initial plan, he sends out a cloud of some kind in a plan to sink all the world's land into the ocean. Here, its better if Superman explains it. Supes? Right, Ollie. Good point.

In the following panels, Superman negates gravity by flying off and Wonderwoman hops into an invisible jet. Was that covered in your college physics? I can't imagine even having physics classes in the DCU, what would be the point? Everytime a law of the universe is set down in stone, some asshole in a cape comes along and disproves it anyway.

But, you know, clouds that make islands sink are just not possible. Just ask the millionaire douchebag in the Robin Hood costume. He knows physics better than Hawkings. Dopes. He'll tell you that island sinking clouds are impossible but this isn't:Yeah, that's how they got there. They flew from Earth to Earth in the Batmobile, with the help of the worlds largest (and nakedest) hood ornament.

At least Superman takes a more philosophical approach to the matter. He's a regular Socrates compared to GA, he knows he knows nothing. Dig it:Ha ha! But he's going to go punch it anyway. That's our Superman. What is this? I dunno. I'm not smart enough to figure it out... well, better sock it in the puss.

YAY! JUSTICE!!! I can't wait to see how this story ends.

Frame job.

2006-06-08T06:49:00.000-07:00

Yeah, but is it art?I particularly like the ornate wicker frame they got around it. Bad enough we gotta look at dead guy photos on CNN, but looking at Pottery Barn-esque frames is just going too far.

I understand the bits of him that blew off in the explosion were placed in a series of vases and wall sconces. It really brought the room together. Christopher Lowell would be proud.

Birthday Wishes!

2006-06-06T05:43:00.000-07:00

Hey fools. Today is May 6, 2006. Or, if you're into the whole brevity thing 06/06/06.

Six six six. The number of the beast. I'm sure metal fans and cult members are flipping out today, because 6/6/6 is supposed to be satan's birthday.

Happy birthday buddy. That's a cool pitchfork by the way. What's it for? Hay work? Stabbing? Its rad looking, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

At least I think its Satan's birthday. I heard also that it may be his baby's birthday. Like that movie that Dick Donner did well in the 70s and some hack has just remade (probably) badly just in time for the big day. In the movie, his son's main power, i think, is just being terribly creepy and looking all european and shit. But I remember Satan's son in a rad cape with dope boots:Still stickin' with the pitchfork though, huh buddy?

All the power of the underworld at your command and you carry a farming implement. What a dumbass. You deserve to marry a dummy in a cat suit. Really you do. I assume you wear a cape for protection from the elements or something like that, right? So why no shirt? Is it so we can see your hipster tattoo you dufas? Cause I'm over it. Get a t-shirt. Something.

Yuck.

Still, he's straighter than Batman.

2006-06-05T07:58:00.000-07:00

Oh cool, a magazine with Superman on the cover. I'll have to pick it up. I think its for lawyers or something like that. Hmmm. Lets see what the article is ab--heyyyyyyyyyyy.

Paintball

2006-06-02T08:47:00.000-07:00

Since I'm lazy and off writing other nonsense, and since people seemed to enjoy the first "Spaced" clip i threw up, here's another. This time, the guys go to paintball immediately following the end of Mike's 6 month ban. They run into Dwayne Bensie (Pete from Shaun of the Dead) the smarmy asshole who stole Tim's girlfriend before episode one.

Listen close to the music during the Dwayne flashback, its a clarinet-only remake of the Baywatch theme.

love it.

If you're all good, I may return with a clip from "Robot Wars"

How To Get Fired From A Comic Shop

2006-05-31T11:28:00.000-07:00

He's right, though. It IS a big pile of shit.

Sometimes with syrup.

2006-05-23T07:17:00.000-07:00

I bet you were you saucy minx. I bet you were.

10 Things I Hate About Commandments

2006-05-23T05:38:00.000-07:00

Oh, man.

Aaron Pierce is a Bad Ass.

2006-05-17T11:36:00.000-07:00

HOW COOL IS THAT?!?

Where the Real "Action" is.

2006-05-17T08:52:00.000-07:00

Hello, the internet.

So, I've been reading this Superman Chronicles thing. Have you heard about it? Its every Superman comic, ever, in the chronological order they were released. Now, granted, its not that impressive yet cause there's really only one volume, but still its a cool undertaking and unlike the Showcase editions (which I love and want to marry) these stories featured in full color.

But, before I use my blogspace to talk about what these comics contain, I'd rather get into a little bit about what they omit. As we all know, Superman debuted in the first issue of Action Comics. AC featured multiple stories and arcs, different characters and above all else, a lot of "action." Supes appeared on the first cover, and sporadically on other covers in the first couple years until, at issue 18 Supes took over the book and the cover, and no one else ever got a shot at the lime light.

In the Chronicles edition, however, they include the covers to all the issues, even the covers that don't feature Superman and, I gotta tell you, it makes me really want to read those missing stories. DC teased the hell out of me, I'll admit.

Just check what is missing:Okay, near as I can tell, this is a wolfman who's been cornered by a Canadian Mountee. How cool is that? A Canadian wolfman? I'm so there. I bet he eats a whole hockey team.

Fuck. This guy is hardcore. Out of bullets, surrounded by the enemy, in the middle of the goddamned desert, and what does he do? Surrender? Hell no, he turns his gun around and prepares to beat the shit out of the first mofo to get close to him. Bad. Ass. You just know he's an American. Prolly Kid Rock's grandfather or an early incarnation of Jack Bauer. Fuck! He's even got his shirt off Captain Kirk style. My hero.

I understand that the book was about Superman, but DC must know that I'd buy an entire volume titled "Monkey Sneak Attacks" or "I've Been Pimp Slapped by a Gorilla Omnibus."
I love how the ape looks like he's just gonna wait until that dude turns around. Classic. Its like a super violent Abbot and Costello movie. Word.

Another in Action's "Guns as Blunt Weapons" series. This time featuring a guy in one of those cool painter's hats from the 80s that had flaps on the back to keep the sun from giving you a weird tan where your rat tail hung. What? You didn't have one of those in the 80s? Loser.
Anyway, 80s surfer-man is totally about to wreck shop on Erica Badu's dad who is fighting back with a sword. Yeah, he brought a knife to a gun fight. And he still could win! Extra props for the Iron Sheik books he's wearing. Sim Sala Bim, my stereotypical friend.

Again, who wouldn't pick up this comic?!? Its a native American choking the shit out of some bastard Red Coat.
Throwing some tea away seems pretty cool and all, but this guy was doing the Mandible Claw 300 years early. That rocks balls.

Its just too bad I didn't get that story in the trade. Its also too bad that these rad covers stopped after 17 issues. Number 18 came along and Clark took over, giving us such memorable nonsense as this:Yeah, uh... don't push there. He's gonna shit on the fire.

Somehow we went from Wolfmen and Bare-Knuckled badasses to Superman massaging Santa's bunt.

Improvement? You tell me.

What If Marvel Wasn't Dumb?

2006-05-12T08:48:00.000-07:00

I'm convinced that Marvel gets their "new" ideas from old What If? comics.

Case in point:

Hmmmm, seem familar? This comic, like most of the line is probably retarded and probably ends with:
A)The Universe Blowing Up,
B) Galactus,
C) Both A & B or
D) Someone joins S.H.I.E.L.D.

They are all like that. All of them. Some of them even start with option D. Its gotta be about 20% of the line that features the tagline "What if INSERT NAME had become an agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.?"

I tell you what if. It would suck ass. That's what if.

You want a headache? Go back and look at your old What If? comics. You want a migraine? Read them. It'll make you think, though. You'll think, "What if Marvel wasn't dumb?"

But, always remember:

Average Home Boy Returns.

2006-05-10T12:31:00.002-07:00

Yeah, yeah, Superman is coming back. Blah blah blah.

But you know who else is back? The Average Homeboy.

Dig it:

and in case you missed the debut:

Yeah. Denny "Blazin" Hazen. The Average Homeboy. The only thing about this rad cat that isn't average is his mullet.

And his racism.

Now, its just a demo, so it a little rough. So go easy on him, and prepare to be BLAZED!