mylar

1994: Earth's Civilization Is Cast In Ruins.

2006-10-04T12:27:00.000-07:00

hey. remember that time in 1994 when the moon got destroyed and all the clouds got sucked off the earth by a meteor?

..>

me neither. but i want a sun sword.

i'll need it if i'm gonna fight lizard monsters and shit.

its a shame this had to happen. it seems to me that a mere 7 years prior, in 1987, we sent up a space probe to look for precisely this sort of shit.

i wonder what happened to it:

..>

oooh, thats a rockin' jam they played over the closing credits. makes me wanna...i think i have to... dance!

..>

DANCE!

Its called getting down. Its a little before your time... if it frightens you.

How about the fact that he taught that guy how to do shitty seventies disco funk music (even though he calls it rock) simply by snapping his fingers and boogieing down in front of him. That guy got it on the second try, though.

In the future, there are no books for karaoke.

Beedy Beedy Beedy, indeed, Tiki.

A Blog of Two Fathers.

2006-10-04T11:19:00.000-07:00

I know, I know.

I haven't posted here in a while.

Lately, my other blog has been taking up all my time. I thought i could post the same blog in two places with no mess, but if you look at the Pa Kent blog, you'll see how untrue that really is. If you wanna check out the other blog, though, here's the link:

My older Blog, or as I call it: "Classic."

Deal with that, bitches.

karr and garth: best evil twins ever

2006-09-11T08:47:00.000-07:00

and now a word or two about evil twins.

...the last week or so i was growing a beard. It was ridiculous (see my new photos!). So then i trimmed it in a move that would no doubt anger clint eastwood while making fans of blade 3 rejoice (both of you!). Then, having had enough, friday i shaved off everything but the mustache.

It looked ridiculous--pictures to come.

I looked like my own evil twin. At least i thought i did. Everyone knew it was me, though. I mean, its just a mustache. So i guess everything i learned in the 80s was a god damned lie. Shit.

But that's the way it works with evil twins. They can't be too similar, they gotta have something to set them off from their "good" counterpart. And in 80s tv, there was no way better to show that a guy was evil than to slap a goatee or mustache on him. Its just radiates sinister. Like Sinestro.

So, in cellebration of my one-day mustache, i present for you the greatest battles of good vs evil twin ever captured on film. Coincientally, they're both from the same TV Series.

Lord. Is there any part that the Hoff CAN'T play? Genius. Dig how he not only has a mustache, but a little chin deal going too. Totally evil. If i remember correctly he was the son of the head of Knight Industries and the reason he looks like the Hoff is that Michael was given Garth's face after the accident that began his shadowy flight into the world of a man who does not exist. Garth in the meantime spent a bunch of time in Aftrican prisons where the lack of good hygene and medical care caused his hair to baloon out to Space-Balls size proportions and his face to explode into a cacaphony of evil facial hair. I think in this episode he teams up with said africans to destroy Knight Rider or something (are you looking for the plot to make sense? cause it won't. point is, its Michael vs Garth and its awesome.)

Garth Knight, driver of Goliath. Gotta love him. That fight didn't go to well for Michael though, huh? And Goliath didn't even use his missles (he's got a crap ton of missles), or his guns (loads of guns) or even the creepy sleeper cabin where Garth invites lonely hitchhikers to take a load off and have some ramen noodles while he plays his Rush tapes and drops some road wisdom on them. Terrifying.

You can tell by the photo that he's evil. He's got a sinister goatee AND he smokes like a douchebag.

But that's not the only character on Knight Rider to face an evil doppleganger. Observe:

That's KITT's nemesis, KARR (which stands for Knight Automated Roving Robot, possibly the best non-GIJoe anagram ever). KARR was the original prototype of KITT. He didn't work out, he was too irrational and, yes, too human. It wasn't untill the 2000 model (KITT) that they started making their cars 3 Laws Safe. (I would argue that that makes KITT a subservient little bitch-boy of a car.)

So anyway, KARR was obviously dismantled when they found out he was dangerous and he was never heard from once KITT came out. Right? Well, no, dummy or there'd be no show. Rather, he came back in the episode "Trust Doesn't Rust" and again in the ep featured above simply titled "KITT vs KARR" in which the two have a fantastic show down culminating in... well you should watch and see for yourself. All I'll say is, I think Karr's interior was made out of plastic explosives and gasoline.

Notice that they even found a way to give KARR an evil goatte. When he showed up originally he was identical to KITT ('cept the evil business) but eventually he became a two-tone job, as a way to tell them apart and also to let other cars out there know: this shit-bag is evil and full of hate.

And gasoline.

Its a shame that the show didn't stay on long enough for Garth and KARR to team up. Imagine it, Goliath pulls up next to the Phoenix foundation's semi and everyone starts freaking out cause they know it has missles and old ramen and shit inside of it. So they send out the Hoff in KITT to do battle. And he's all like, "No problem, I'll be back in two shakes, just in time to be sexually inappropriate to Bonnie." And the english guy would go, "Oh Michael." and Michael would be like "That's Bonnie's line." Then they'd all laugh (well, not bonnie, as she's just been verbally assaulted) and he hops into KITT and goes to work. BUT as they're letting KITT out, they notice the back of Goliath opens up... and out rolls KARR... WITH GARTH DRIVING!!!! bum-bum-bummmmmmm!
It would be better than when Lex Luthor wore braniac on his head in that Alan Moore story "Whatever happened to the man of tomorrow."

if a hero is defined by his villians, then i think these two clips show: Knight Rider was fucking ridiculous.

but what's not to love about that?

all my powers, and i couldn't save him

2006-09-01T08:23:00.000-07:00

Nope. Couldn't save him. But then, he was really really old.

Glenn Ford who, to me at least, will always be Superman's dad (eat it brando) died the other day at the age of 90. Over the years he did like 85 films or something, and one of them was Superman so he rules and you better recognize. Check out the Associated Press story for more info.

What the AP won't tell you, though, is that Glenn Ford once beat down that ditzy dame from Buck Rogers (wasn't i just talking about Buck?) and Silver Spoons.

Pa Kent: His Pimp Hand was strong.

thanks to capedwonder.com for the opening image

Lazy Blogging: Gangbusters Part I

2006-08-17T10:33:00.000-07:00

Don't worry Sir, the criminals in the line up can't see you. You can only see them.Oh, Damn.

Call me crazy, but i'd love to read this story. Screw Saw. To Hell with Saw II. This thing looks dope. He's like a ticking martian timebomb of crime fighting goodness! What's not to dig?

Fun with Daredevil

2006-08-01T05:50:00.000-07:00

Hey kids, do you love Daredevil? No, not that Daredevil. The one who can see.

Which is too bad, because blindness is about that only thing that would explain his terrible, terrible costume.

Yeah. Only suckers are fair. Stab.

Its time for Daredevil's battle of the human shields! Whee!BANG! Well, that's one down. Eat boomarang, assy.

And last but not least:
A cougar riding a horse fighting a midget with a pitchfork. Fuck. Daredevil comics are no joke.

Mickey Spillane 1918-2006

2006-07-18T12:00:00.000-07:00

"Basic Military Journalism?" Who do you think you are, Mickey Fuckin' Spillane?!?

I always loved that line from Full Metal Jacket. Not just for the swears (he said Fuck!) but for the idea behind it. Sure, Joker wasn't going into the mystery writing business. But, yeah, what writer that ever tried his hand at the hard boiled detective didn't think he was Mickey Spillane?

Sadly, there was only one. Even more sadly, he's gone now.The legendary mystery writer, author of the hard-boiled "Mike Hammer" stories and "Mike Danger" graphic novels has died at the age of 87.

He will be missed, but thankfully, we got loads of his stuff lying around to fill the void. Not to mention the imitators and the authors out there that trained at his teet. I'm sure Azzarello, Bendis, Parker and the like would happily count Spillane as one of their heroes.

If you're a singer you lose your voice. A baseball player loses his arm. A writer gets more knowledge, and if he's good, the older he gets, the better he writes. -- Mickey Spillane

Bye Mickey.

Stacey Keach as Mike Hammer

I'm immature.

2006-07-17T07:07:00.000-07:00

Mary Jane shits spider webs.

Cause that's where Peter likes to put it.

Superman Returns (to Otisburg)

2006-06-29T09:29:00.000-07:00

Wow. Holyshit. Fuck.

The new Superman movie kicks ass. I loved it. LOVED it. It really hit me in the guts from the (fantasic) opening credit sequence all the way untill the end.

I don't have time for a full review (and i'm sleepy) so how about a quick pro and con, though, shall we?

CONs:

I didn't care for Perry White. Found him to be dull and uninteresting. The others that have come before (Jackie Coogan in particular) brought something to the table, the played the chief like his comicbook counterpart. My girlfriend suggested that they didn't want him to be to excited and yelly cause that might make people think he's ripping off the current JJJ over in the Spidey movies (played brilliantly by JK Simmons). That's prolly true, and that's why hollywood sucks. GREAT CEASARS' GHOST! Give me a Perry that gives a damn. That gets excited about shit. That chews on a cigar and yells at Jimmy Olsen. Shit. This guy walked around like a corpse. I guess that's what you get when you hire Dracula.

Lois. What the hell. She looked way too young to have a kid, she didn't look very pretty, and she didn't come off as a tough as nails reporter. Her scenes with Perry were the worst in the film. Fire her before the sequels. Fire her tomorrow. She sucks ass.

PROs:

Everything else.

Seriously, the rest of the movie really did it for me. Particular stand outs were Jimmy Olsen and when Routh was in "Clark" mode. Fantasic. That's gotta be the closest thing to Jimmy from the comics I've ever seen. Loved it.

The Good, the Bland and the Ugly

Shit! FUCK! Superman Returns kicks ass. I can hardly contain myself. I gotta go see a third time.

It was missing one thing, though. There's only one thing I'd add. One crucial element that really would've made it the best thing since oxygen:

Ned Goddamn Beatty.

Does this mean we're not going to Addis Abbaba Mistah Lewtor?

And now, Sport!

2006-06-26T07:21:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, kids. I've gone and caught World Cup Fever.

Unmasking the Dumb

2006-06-15T06:41:00.000-07:00

Holy Crap! Spider-Man has been puny Peter Parker this whole time?!? I had no idea!Yuck. You know, if i was spending my days in that Iron Man armor thing, I wouldn't be able to wait to get it off either. What? He changed back for the press conference? Oh, well, then that makes it even more stupid.

Okay, so i'll admit it. I have not been reading Civil War. Why? Well, its by Marvel, and we all know that marvel is...well, you know. But the latest issue wrapped with one of those "shocking" moments that are so big, so overwhelming that even my parents hear about them. That is big. They knew when Superman died. They knew about the Spider Wedding. They knew about Electric Superman, and now I'm sure they'll have heard about this.

But here's what bothers me about the whole deal. Its an obvious stunt, right? That's a given. But I can't help thinking that its only a matter of time untill they fix it. I don't read Spidey books and haven't since the 80s, so I could care less what they do with the character, but come on. Does any one think for a second that this is gonna last?

The real annoying thing, though, is that everyone is claiming he's the first big superhero to go public ever. That is untrue for both companies. Flash did it waaaaaay back. Wally West won the lottery and told every one he was the Flash. It was great. And over in Spidey's backyard Captain America did it to stop a bunch of terrorists. He did it on live television. So Spidey is far from the first.

And now they have Cap on the side of those who don't want people to have to unmask? What the hell?!? I guess I could read all the issues and try to make heads or tails of it instead of relying on what my roommate and my girlfriend's brother tell me about the Civil War... Nah, I'm not going to do that. This is a Marvel book and as I'm sure to never forget:

Sugartits!

2006-06-12T12:24:00.000-07:00

Somewhere in the off season my kickball team, The Sugartits, got really good at kickball.

We've a lock on fourthplace and we're edging up on the top three having won 3 of our last four, and tying the other one. In a rainstorm.

Man! Does it get anybetter than kickball in the rain? I put it to you that it does not!

America's Team, The SugarTits!

Secret Awesome Man

2006-06-12T06:40:00.000-07:00

Seriously, Hasslehoff? Don't ever stop being so awesomely crazy.

Physics in the DCU

2006-06-09T07:19:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I've been reading some pre-crisis crossovers lately. This one I'm into now is a ripping good yarn involving the JLA, the JSA, and from Earth-S a group called Shazam's Super Squad. Its a pretty lame group, this Earth-S group, cause there's no one from the Marvel family at all so far (I'm only 2 issues into the three issues crossover) and the Super Squad is pretty much Bulletman, Bulletgirl, Spy Smasher, Mr. Scarlet and Pinky.

Yes. Pinky. The character that makes Robin look butch by comparison. At one point in the story his hair gets transmographied into diamonds, and I tell you what, I think he likes it. Meanwhile, Batman's jaw is slowly turning to granite (kind of like Harrison Ford's has been doing for the last 20 years, zing!). Fair trade, I guess. Man, If I was The Weeper (one of the villains of this tale), I'd so lop the boys head off and make my fortune. See ya later, Earth-S losers, I'm a crying billionaire. But that doesn't happen. Not even a little.

That's crazy enough, but the real threat in this crisis is a dude known as King Kull, Lord of the Beastmen. Yeah, he's basically King Shit of Turd Mountain, but he has a mad on for all the earths, or at least 1, 2 and S. In his initial plan, he sends out a cloud of some kind in a plan to sink all the world's land into the ocean. Here, its better if Superman explains it. Supes? Right, Ollie. Good point.

In the following panels, Superman negates gravity by flying off and Wonderwoman hops into an invisible jet. Was that covered in your college physics? I can't imagine even having physics classes in the DCU, what would be the point? Everytime a law of the universe is set down in stone, some asshole in a cape comes along and disproves it anyway.

But, you know, clouds that make islands sink are just not possible. Just ask the millionaire douchebag in the Robin Hood costume. He knows physics better than Hawkings. Dopes. He'll tell you that island sinking clouds are impossible but this isn't:Yeah, that's how they got there. They flew from Earth to Earth in the Batmobile, with the help of the worlds largest (and nakedest) hood ornament.

At least Superman takes a more philosophical approach to the matter. He's a regular Socrates compared to GA, he knows he knows nothing. Dig it:Ha ha! But he's going to go punch it anyway. That's our Superman. What is this? I dunno. I'm not smart enough to figure it out... well, better sock it in the puss.

YAY! JUSTICE!!! I can't wait to see how this story ends.

Frame job.

2006-06-08T06:49:00.000-07:00

Yeah, but is it art?I particularly like the ornate wicker frame they got around it. Bad enough we gotta look at dead guy photos on CNN, but looking at Pottery Barn-esque frames is just going too far.

I understand the bits of him that blew off in the explosion were placed in a series of vases and wall sconces. It really brought the room together. Christopher Lowell would be proud.

Birthday Wishes!

2006-06-06T05:43:00.000-07:00

Hey fools. Today is May 6, 2006. Or, if you're into the whole brevity thing 06/06/06.

Six six six. The number of the beast. I'm sure metal fans and cult members are flipping out today, because 6/6/6 is supposed to be satan's birthday.

Happy birthday buddy. That's a cool pitchfork by the way. What's it for? Hay work? Stabbing? Its rad looking, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

At least I think its Satan's birthday. I heard also that it may be his baby's birthday. Like that movie that Dick Donner did well in the 70s and some hack has just remade (probably) badly just in time for the big day. In the movie, his son's main power, i think, is just being terribly creepy and looking all european and shit. But I remember Satan's son in a rad cape with dope boots:Still stickin' with the pitchfork though, huh buddy?

All the power of the underworld at your command and you carry a farming implement. What a dumbass. You deserve to marry a dummy in a cat suit. Really you do. I assume you wear a cape for protection from the elements or something like that, right? So why no shirt? Is it so we can see your hipster tattoo you dufas? Cause I'm over it. Get a t-shirt. Something.

Yuck.

Still, he's straighter than Batman.

2006-06-05T07:58:00.000-07:00

Oh cool, a magazine with Superman on the cover. I'll have to pick it up. I think its for lawyers or something like that. Hmmm. Lets see what the article is ab--heyyyyyyyyyyy.

Paintball

2006-06-02T08:47:00.000-07:00

Since I'm lazy and off writing other nonsense, and since people seemed to enjoy the first "Spaced" clip i threw up, here's another. This time, the guys go to paintball immediately following the end of Mike's 6 month ban. They run into Dwayne Bensie (Pete from Shaun of the Dead) the smarmy asshole who stole Tim's girlfriend before episode one.

Listen close to the music during the Dwayne flashback, its a clarinet-only remake of the Baywatch theme.

love it.

If you're all good, I may return with a clip from "Robot Wars"

How To Get Fired From A Comic Shop

2006-05-31T11:28:00.000-07:00

He's right, though. It IS a big pile of shit.

Sometimes with syrup.

2006-05-23T07:17:00.000-07:00

I bet you were you saucy minx. I bet you were.

10 Things I Hate About Commandments

2006-05-23T05:38:00.000-07:00

Oh, man.

Aaron Pierce is a Bad Ass.

2006-05-17T11:36:00.000-07:00

HOW COOL IS THAT?!?

Where the Real "Action" is.

2006-05-17T08:52:00.000-07:00

Hello, the internet.

So, I've been reading this Superman Chronicles thing. Have you heard about it? Its every Superman comic, ever, in the chronological order they were released. Now, granted, its not that impressive yet cause there's really only one volume, but still its a cool undertaking and unlike the Showcase editions (which I love and want to marry) these stories featured in full color.

But, before I use my blogspace to talk about what these comics contain, I'd rather get into a little bit about what they omit. As we all know, Superman debuted in the first issue of Action Comics. AC featured multiple stories and arcs, different characters and above all else, a lot of "action." Supes appeared on the first cover, and sporadically on other covers in the first couple years until, at issue 18 Supes took over the book and the cover, and no one else ever got a shot at the lime light.

In the Chronicles edition, however, they include the covers to all the issues, even the covers that don't feature Superman and, I gotta tell you, it makes me really want to read those missing stories. DC teased the hell out of me, I'll admit.

Just check what is missing:Okay, near as I can tell, this is a wolfman who's been cornered by a Canadian Mountee. How cool is that? A Canadian wolfman? I'm so there. I bet he eats a whole hockey team.

Fuck. This guy is hardcore. Out of bullets, surrounded by the enemy, in the middle of the goddamned desert, and what does he do? Surrender? Hell no, he turns his gun around and prepares to beat the shit out of the first mofo to get close to him. Bad. Ass. You just know he's an American. Prolly Kid Rock's grandfather or an early incarnation of Jack Bauer. Fuck! He's even got his shirt off Captain Kirk style. My hero.

I understand that the book was about Superman, but DC must know that I'd buy an entire volume titled "Monkey Sneak Attacks" or "I've Been Pimp Slapped by a Gorilla Omnibus."
I love how the ape looks like he's just gonna wait until that dude turns around. Classic. Its like a super violent Abbot and Costello movie. Word.

Another in Action's "Guns as Blunt Weapons" series. This time featuring a guy in one of those cool painter's hats from the 80s that had flaps on the back to keep the sun from giving you a weird tan where your rat tail hung. What? You didn't have one of those in the 80s? Loser.
Anyway, 80s surfer-man is totally about to wreck shop on Erica Badu's dad who is fighting back with a sword. Yeah, he brought a knife to a gun fight. And he still could win! Extra props for the Iron Sheik books he's wearing. Sim Sala Bim, my stereotypical friend.

Again, who wouldn't pick up this comic?!? Its a native American choking the shit out of some bastard Red Coat.
Throwing some tea away seems pretty cool and all, but this guy was doing the Mandible Claw 300 years early. That rocks balls.

Its just too bad I didn't get that story in the trade. Its also too bad that these rad covers stopped after 17 issues. Number 18 came along and Clark took over, giving us such memorable nonsense as this:Yeah, uh... don't push there. He's gonna shit on the fire.

Somehow we went from Wolfmen and Bare-Knuckled badasses to Superman massaging Santa's bunt.

Improvement? You tell me.

What If Marvel Wasn't Dumb?

2006-05-12T08:48:00.000-07:00

I'm convinced that Marvel gets their "new" ideas from old What If? comics.

Case in point:

Hmmmm, seem familar? This comic, like most of the line is probably retarded and probably ends with:
A)The Universe Blowing Up,
B) Galactus,
C) Both A & B or
D) Someone joins S.H.I.E.L.D.

They are all like that. All of them. Some of them even start with option D. Its gotta be about 20% of the line that features the tagline "What if INSERT NAME had become an agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.?"

I tell you what if. It would suck ass. That's what if.

You want a headache? Go back and look at your old What If? comics. You want a migraine? Read them. It'll make you think, though. You'll think, "What if Marvel wasn't dumb?"

But, always remember:

Average Home Boy Returns.

2006-05-10T12:31:00.002-07:00

Yeah, yeah, Superman is coming back. Blah blah blah.

But you know who else is back? The Average Homeboy.

Dig it:

and in case you missed the debut:

Yeah. Denny "Blazin" Hazen. The Average Homeboy. The only thing about this rad cat that isn't average is his mullet.

And his racism.

Now, its just a demo, so it a little rough. So go easy on him, and prepare to be BLAZED!

Dance Dance Revolution, Hubbard Style

2006-05-05T05:23:00.000-07:00

Mission Impossible III opens today, and I'm going to see it.

I love summer movie season, and I was prolly gonna see this no matter what. Plus, I loved the first one (even if the second one blew) and i'm a big fan of director J. Abrams other work, especially "Lost."

Then there's the main reason I'm psyched:Yeah! Simon Pegg as Benji Dunn. Woo-hoo!

His appearance is just enough to counter the shennanigans of Senor Crazy Pants himself, Tom Cruise.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to DANCE!!!

These dance moves will self destruct in ten seconds.

Infinite Crisis Aftermath: I Am An Idiot

2006-05-04T04:52:00.000-07:00

I went to the comicbook store yesterday all set to buy a copy of this:

But, as I am an idiot, I walked out the door with a copy of this:

See, they had to piles on the racks, one had the awesome George Perez cover and the other had the merely passable Jim Lee cover. Not wanting to buy the first comic on the stack (its been pawed through by children, afterall) I grabbed one from the middle of what I thought was a pile of Perez-y goodness.

Well, It wasn't all Perez in that pile. I stuck it in my pile and paid and left and halfway down the road I realized, to my horror, that I'd purchased the cover by Lee.

Granted, Its the best cover Lee's done for the seven-issue mini, but it can't touch Perez. And even though Lee does have G'nort on the cover, front and center, Perez gave us a close up of Black Manta getting socked in the puss by Batman and Wonderwoman about to bodyslam a monkey.

Dammit! I've been kicking myself since I realized. I'll be kicking myself for a while. At least until I break down and do something I thought I'd never do: buy a second copy of a comic I already have.

SQUAWK! SQUAWK!

2006-05-03T13:04:00.000-07:00

Wait, so i'll be as dead as that completely living thing? Ummm.... okay.

Gotta love the old school Penguin. Bird-themed nonsense, umbrella weapons and terrible squawking. So much better than the short, political, mob figure he's become.

Speaking of the best villians of all time:He's a ghost. It says so right in his name. Duh.

Superhero Science: Communicate With Fish

2006-05-03T07:29:00.000-07:00

The New-Age Science Nerds over at ENKI have come up with what they call a "Fish Based Relaxation System."

The goal of their project is to induce a state of extreme relaxation through communication signals from electric fish. The project is based around "Brainwave Entrainment" in which the senses are presented with rhythmic stimuli that cause the brain to synchronize its electric cycles with the stimuli's rhythm. Instead of using pre-programmed chips like other Brainwave Entrainment systems, the ENKI project uses the electric organ discharge of Electric Fish, creating the "possibility of becoming one with the mind of nature."

That would explain why Aquaman is so calm all the time. Oh, wait. He's not.

Ever.

Maybe he should try listening to the fish instead of just barking orders at them all the time. It might chill him out a bit. Get him to deal with the fact that his book sucks, has sucked and probably will always suck. As it was, so it shall suck. But its cool A.C. Relax. The fish want you to calm down. Chill out with some sea life and just let it go.

More Fishy Relaxation information can be found here. And, coming soon, we look at new lenses that imitate X-Ray vision. No really.

Prepare to have your face rocked off.

2006-05-03T06:03:00.000-07:00

Hey! I got a haircut yesterday.

But also, I saw the most kick-assiest trailer for the much anticipated "Superman Returns" yesterday. If you haven't seen it, please do.

Look, Up In the Sky, Its a TRAILER.

Whoo-boy. I'm excited. Hearing the Jon Williams really gave me chills. Hot damn.

The only thing that looks stupid is the little kid with the mop-top. But, I keep telling myself that the child will turn out to be Mister Mxyzptlk, and that seems to calm me down. Or maybe James "Cyclops" Marsden is actually Braniac and the kid is 2.0? Something. Gimme something.

Also, Superman should fight a giant monkey.

C for Cookie

2006-04-28T10:07:00.000-07:00

An Uncompromising Look At Snack Time:

Yeah, dude. Yeah.

2006-04-28T05:17:00.000-07:00

Blue tights spotted this in California:Sweet. Friggin, sweet.

Its missing a comma though, no?

Oh, also, this dude is directing Iron Man:Vegas, baby. Vegas.

The Largest Number You Can Think Of

2006-04-26T07:55:00.000-07:00

I'm tired from moving.

But hey, you kids still need to learn stuff, right?

Okay, i'm just going to pop in a video then.

Or go here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QsPwqL9bwAw

Smartypants.

10 Wingless Chickens

2006-04-21T12:51:00.000-07:00

The real danger of my new apartment isn't that its located 2 floors above my favorite bar. No, the real reason for concern is that its located 2 floors and a few yards from this place:Yeah! Planet Wings! Its like a whole planet made out of delicious chicken wings!

I haven't eaten all day in preparation for the 20 Butter Garlic Wings imma pick up on my way home tonight.

Mmmmm. Butter Garlic. I'm drooling on the keyboard, thank god its almost 4:00.

Follow this link to find a Planet Wings location near you! Unless you don't live in this area, then this information is quite useless.

WINGS!

Max Lord: Self-Deceptive

2006-04-20T06:49:00.000-07:00

Current writers and Countdown apologists will tell you that whenever you see Maxwell Lord acting nice or trying to better himself and find his own moral compass, that he's just lying. He's fooling everyone. He's evil as hell and just working on a 10+ year plan that involves making him look like a dope in order to usurp the world power, no matter what the cost.

Like here for instance:Huh. What an evil lying dick. He even lies TO HIMSELF when he reflects back on his life. Weird, right?

God. Can they please stop ruining the characters I like by making them turn against their own characterizations and either go all evil or kill each other or whatever? I know he died a while back now, but i'm still bothered by the reckless usage of Max, Ted and Booster. Its not right. Shit. Even Dimitri is gone! Sure, he went out as a hero, but he totally didn't need to. There were Green Lanterns on the scene for chrissakes.

Couldn't Johns have killed Stargirl or another of his dumb inventions?

Shit.

Oh, and don't forget, somehow Max went from being a cyborg back to being a human right before Countdown started, uh, counting down.

Have no fear, though, if you hate continuity as much as Dan Didio does, its easily erased:

We thought about that aspect of the story [where Maxwell was turned into a cyborg] some more," DiDio explained. "And then asked, 'Did anyone read it?' No. 'Did anyone like the idea?' No. So we moved ahead with Max as being a human, and having been a human, and not letting that small part of the past stand in the way of this story. We wanted what was best for Countdown, and for us, that meant that Max had to be a human."

I guess that means, then, that if some other writer in the next 10 years or so hates all of DiDios dumb-ass character modifications and junk, they can just change it back.

Contin-what-ity?

Scotty Go Bye Bye

2006-04-19T07:36:00.000-07:00

Hooray! White House Press Secretary, Scott McClellan is leaving his post! For good! Sure, he's being replaced by a guy who used to WORK AT FOX NEWS, but hey, doesn't everyone in the Bush Organization work for, with or over the Fox News Team?
So, see you later douchebag. And as you leave I want you to always remember this: I fucking hate you, you dirty little ass-faced weasel.

New Spectre Has Dated, Lame, Facial Hair

2006-04-18T08:43:00.000-07:00

DC solicits for July came out earlier this week and I went through them today.

Initially I was going to have a post full of snarky, underhanded swipes at Frank Miller. I would go on at length about how putting "Dark Knight Returns" and "Dark Knight Returns Some More" in the same volume is like putting a sandwich and dog poop in the same lunch-bag. I would then probably go on at length about how bad "All-Star Batman and Robin The Boy Wonder" is and how ridiculous the most recent cover (featuring Wonder Woman, I think, Its hard to tell with Miller these days).

Then I saw something that mystified me and took the snarkiness right out of my sails:The new Spectre has a goatee.

The hell? Its bad enough they pushed this dude who I had never heard of before (I don't read "Gotham Central," sue me) down our throats in "Infinite Crisis". Its bad enough he still wears silly little underpants beneath his cape.

But now? Now he has a goatee.

I just don't see how damned souls are going to take him seriously. I sure as hell am not. I thought this book would be a blip, soon to be cancelled and eventually written out of continuity all together. Now I'm SURE of it.

They could at least have given him a soul patch. It could even have been made out of real souls for all I care.

New Spectre is dumb.

Secret Wars Reenactment Society

2006-04-17T09:17:00.000-07:00

Does just posting videos make me lazy?

Well, whatever. Here's another one.

Kang is my new favorite Marvel villian and will forevermore be etched in my brain as the dude who's mom needs tech support.

This prolly means i'm going to takem him for the next 6 or 7 times I play HeroClicks.

A Message From Batman

2006-04-13T11:57:00.000-07:00

Do you want some of this?

No. I don't think you want any of this.

Hal Jordan: Pervert

2006-04-10T08:07:00.000-07:00

In my last post, I brought to everyone's attention the opening of Infinite Crisis #6. Specifically the ridiculous baseball conversation between Hal and Ollie.

At the time, I was using this simply as a backdoor method of making fun of Yankees, Yankees fans and Hal Jordan in general, all the while lamenting the poor choices of my once favorite Lantern and introducing the world to my new favorite. A Monkey Bear named Voz.

Over the weekend, however, discussions on this page and its significance have led me to a new theory.

(NOTE: You may wanna send the kids out of the room for this one. I'm going to use the word splooge. While I'm not sure that it is a swearword, its definitely vulgar and decidedly juvenile. You've been warned.)

Staring out into space, facing down millions and millions of Earth's being fused together and blowing up and making a huge apocalyptic mess of things, Hal Jordan is thinking about baseball?Why? Well why do most men think about baseball? Or, rather, what is that old cliché about thinking about baseball?

See where I'm going with this? The possible destruction of life the universe and everything has gotten Hal Jordan hot. So hot in fact that if he doesn't stop and think about baseball, he's gonna splooge in his pants. Yes. Hal Jordan is a crazy sex pervert who gets off on watching infinite earths crash into each other as their populations die screaming.

Are we SURE he's not Paralax anymore?

Guy Gardner: Douche

2006-04-07T08:49:00.000-07:00

This page from Infinite Crisis #6 really bothered me.

It wasn't the fact that no one is overly concerned that they're staring down a large number of Earths. How many? Infinite. Which is a large number. A very large number. Infinity is retardedly big. So big so that I can't even grasp it. But somehow, someway, the new Blue Beetle, can.

No. Wasn't that.

And it wasn't the appearance of that stupid magic ironman Blue Beetle, either. No matter how lame he is, how silly he looks or how un-Blue Beetle he is. And I'll say right up front that it wasn't the bad characterization of Booster or Batman either.

No, what upset me about this page is the realization that Guy Gardner, Hal Jordan and Ollie Queen are all Yankees fans. What the fuck? Now, first of all, I would think that they'd all back their home teams, I'm sure Coast City and Star City or wherever have their own franchises, right? So that means these dudes, Hal and Ollie, are supporting teams that aren't from the city they live in, or were born in or have any real ties to.

That, is just plain stupid.

And what about Guy Gardner? Well, I shoulda seen that coming. See, Guy Gardner is a dickhead. Dickheads always seem to either like--or play for--the New York Yankees. Its just the way it works.

Now, Guy always has been (baring bouts with amnesia) a dick, and hopefully always will be. It never bothered me before cause he was always being a dick to Hal Jordan, and Hal Jordan sucks.

So I was totally cool with that. Now I find out their hanging out together and going to Yankee games? The hell? The only way that can be okay is if they're going to Earth-2 where everything is reversed. There, I'd imagine, the Yankees are a pretty cool bunch of guys and the Red Sox are evil. Also up is down and wine coolers are manly.

Crap. Well, Guy, its been real. But now the good times are over, you Yankees loving douche. Allow me to introduce the world to my NEW favorite Green Lantern, Voz.He's a purple-brown gorilla-man thing and, from what I hear, he's a Bud man and a Cubs fan.

Go Sox.

The Easter Bunny

2006-04-06T05:31:00.000-07:00

Ever wonder what the Easter Bunny gets up to the other 364 days of the year?

What a douche.

Steven Baldwin, Extreme Sports Evangelist

2006-04-04T05:54:00.000-07:00

Nyack. Its a nice place to live. A nice place to hang out. A nice place to visit, to shop, to eat, to buy pornography...

Wait a minute there, sonnychim, you didn't count on Steven Baldwin, Extreme Sports Evangelist.

Baldwin, who is taking a break from his string of flops has decided to go on a one-idiot crusade against a new porno palace opening right up the road from me in Nyack. Seems Baldwin himself lives a mile from the new den of sin, and he (like the Rock in "Walking Tall" before him) has decided to shut down what he considers to be an evil enterprise.

Baldwin plans to stand outside the store every day and take photos of people going in, and their license plates until the business folds under the weight of his moral certainty. He will, he threatens, identify the store's customers and pay for a one-page newspaper ad each month to publish their names.

Now, I know what you're thinking. Sounds like an excellent way to get in the paper. Yup, way ahead of you pal. I'm on it. Plus, I plan on snapping a few shots of the second Barney Rubble myself for publication on this very blog. What I worry is that Baldwin will run out of money before he gets all the shots in the paper. I mean, when was his last hit? He can't be making that much bread on televangelism, and one-page ads in the newspaper cost a pretty penny.

"I won't stop until it shuts down," Baldwin told the Westchester Journal News. "I don't want it this close to my house. I'm personally not OK with pornography. I definitely think that it adds to the moral decay or our culture."

Moral decay of our culture? This is the asshole who thought it was okay to make a Slap Shot 2, for chrissakes. I mean, really, has he even seen his own IMDB page?

The problem is, Baldwin is just famous enough that no one tells him no. Or if they do, he doesn't listen. I bet, though, that most people just dismiss him as a nut and write off his insanity. But Stephen Baldwin was awesome in the Usual Suspects, so he gets a tiny bit of credit from me, enough credit that I will address him directly as per his recent zaniness.

Look. Steven. Buddy. I like you. I think its hilarious and crazy and great that you have this new Jesus thing. Those DVDs of people skating and talking about the Lord are great. I bet Jesus himself woulda skateboarded. He seemed like a rad dude. A real chill fellow. Prolly woulda thrashed like a motherfucker too.

I've watched you on the religious channel (its the one up in the 80s on Rockland cable that has that weird Old English crest in the lower right hand corner of the screen). You're good. Truly an entertaining and engaging minister or whatever.

And, Steven, if you've found a way to get through your hard life as a rich movie star by turning to a god or what have you, then that's great. Good for you, harry. For you. Maybe not for everyone though, dig me?

This crusade to "Save Nyack" is a joke. Come on dude, stop acting like you're doing it for the good of the town. You're barely a resident. I've lived there for 3 years and haven't seen you drinking at Olive's once! Oh, you don't drink anymore? Well, I haven't seen you at the supermarket or the diner or the Coldstones either. And don't deny it, I've seen your waistline. You're not saying no to Coldstone's delicious hand-packed ice cream.

Why can't you be more like your brother? No, not Alec. You'll never be like Alec. And I understand not wanting to be like the fat druggy Baldwin from celebrity fit club (you'll prolly get a chance to get his picture as he buys porn).

No. Steven, you should be more like William and just go away. I haven't seen that creep in years. And I seriously DIG that about him, man!

Oh, and The Usual Suspects totally rocks. Totally. Oswald WAS a fag.

SOURCE: World Net Daily

'Git er' out of my face, Larry.

2006-04-03T12:03:00.000-07:00

Okay, you know what Larry? Don't.

Just... don't.

You sir are no Fletch. Hell, neither is Chevy Chase anymore, but that's not the point.

Sit your retarded hillbilly ass in the corner and wait untill someone tells you to come out again. I'd wager it'll be around the fifth of never.

If you must go to the bathroom, you'll just have to make in your pants. It'll be gross, but i'm pretty sure one good set of messed underpants will give someone of your comedic calibur about 12 hours of material.

So, your welcome.

New York will Bitch Slap You.

2006-04-03T07:52:00.000-07:00

You know what? My ass has been on pause over the weekend.

Oh, sure, I saw Slither in the theater and i bagged and boarded some Kamandi comics, but my weekend wasn't complete untill i saw this:

Oh, man. Best show ever. Its like one Jerry Springer episode stretched over an entire season with elements of the Bachelor and Blind Date thrown into the mix. Brilliant.

Added to which, because Flavor Flav's connection to the lovely "Hoopz" didn't work out, he has decided to do it again next season.

Television, I think I love you.

Sixty Dollars to Make Hedy Holler

2006-03-31T06:43:00.000-08:00

Woah, what a night. Here are the highlights:

* Found a new apartment

* Kicked-ass at the first practice of the season for my kickball team

* Brought the house down with a stirring rendition of Phil Collins' "Against All Odds" at Karaoke. Stirring

and

* Found sixty dollars in a cab.

Yeah. Plus, no body I know got killed in South Central L.A. I can't believe it was a good day.

So, rather than spend time on anything insightful, here are some more Hedy and Patsy covers along with snarky, ill-informed commentary.

ZING! Why don't you have a new outfit, dear? What are you... POOR?BURN! These broads hate each other. But the more covers I peruse, the more I feel bad for Hedy. I don't know what she does in the stories, maybe she's a real bitch in her own right or something, a real villian. But taking the covers out of context it all just seems a little mean:No. Seriously. Leave. We all fucking hate you. We would've gotten you a plane ticket, but we thought this would be more uncomfortable, and busses don't leave town as often. And, don't forget. We hate you. A lot.

Because of your hideous face, of course. Now, lemme see them hands, Patsy needs oil you deformed freak.

Boss, I think these kids are tripping balls, want I should get the fire hose like last time?

Episode 10: Buzz suggests a three-way.

Man, Hedy even gets the shaft (not literally, i guess) in her own comic. She really should come back, Hedy. Imma start the campaign. It was fans that brought Patsy back in this form:And now Hellcat needs a villain. Well, not a villain, really. Not to me. I'm rooting for Hedy. She could join up with AIM or something. Become a bad-ass wise cracking spy with tons of gadgets, a rad car and a penchant for making fun of other heroes outfits. I know just who I'd partner her with too.

Tell me you wouldn't buy a comic called "Hedy and M.O.D.O.K."

ROMANCE!

2006-03-30T08:52:00.000-08:00

Man, that's one angry chick. Nothing makes her happy! All these mixed messages make me long for the object simplicity of Phantom Lady's ridiculous anatomy.

Which isn't to say that her anatomy "makes me long."

Beavis.

But seriously, I wonder what has made Patsy so damn angry?OH, SNAP! No she didn't! Kelly RIPP-AH!

Oh, yeah, she's angry because her friends are bitches. Patsy needs to smack the shit out of Hedy. For real. And then maybe wrestle her to the ground.

And then, and then.... shit, I dunno. I'd prolly have tossed the book in favor of an issue of Kamandi by then.

Superman: Wings of Stupid

2006-03-29T05:48:00.000-08:00

It was at that moment that Hawkman remembered that Superman could fly. And then later he died.

And since when does Superman need a rifle?

Also, couldn't he give superman Hawkgirl's wings? I mean, its in aide of her right? Its about avenging her, right? If she's dead she don't need 'em.

Hell, if she's just napping Superman should take them things.

Jack Bauer Blows Up Evil Real Good

2006-03-28T05:23:00.006-08:00

Last night Jack Bauer taught me that there isn't anything that cannot be accomplished by blowing some shit up.

Case in point: Nerve Gas. Blow that shit up, dude. Blow it straight to hell.

It was some hour for Jack. He blew up a natural gas factory, beat down three security guards, talked very tersely to most of his bosses and violently interrogated two women--one of whom he later made out with.

Sure, he still has to catch RoboCop, save LA and (probably) make nice with his stupid daughter. But, well, he's Jack Bauer. Its as good as done.

Jack Bauer is an unstoppable force for awesome.

So, for nostalgia purposes, and since last night was so kick ass, I re-present to you the only motivational poster you will ever need:

Robots Is Jerks!

2006-03-24T10:30:00.000-08:00

Hey, same to you buddy.

Penquins with Rockets

2006-03-23T12:45:00.000-08:00

Ahhh, the Super Dictionary. Its like a regular dictionary, but "super". While a regular dictionary may define what an open door is, it takes a super dictionary to let you know how sinister that door could be.

Observe:Whoo boy. That's some plan, Oswald. Whaaaaaa-waaaa-waaaaaa.

I miss the old Penguin and his ridiculous plans. Think about it. Does Gotham city really need another mobster/importer type dude? And if so, does that chracter need to be theme-based like Pengy? I say bring back the ridiculous bird crimes, the silly capers, and above all the stupid umbrella traps. Whaaaaaa-waaaa-waaaaaa.

Speaking of being trapped:...and everyone was safe. Except for Robin, who was burned alive.

Monkey News 3.20.6: It wasn't me.

2006-03-20T08:45:00.000-08:00

Seriously. It wasn't me. I have an alibi for the entire weekend.

And besides. I don't even know where Bratton Flemming, Barnstaple is.

Dumbest Problem Ever

2006-03-20T05:57:00.000-08:00

Superman Vol. 2 is kicking my ass.

Along with Action, Adventures of and Man of Steel. See, I'm finally putting my comic books in order. Well, a sort of order, anyway. It was all going fine until I got to the Superman boxes.

Take Superman. Volume 2, if it can be called that, starts out at a new number one with John Byrne relaunch. It continues this way for quite a while, before recently returning to the high-digit numbers (One Year Later clocks in at about 650). Added to which, in the middle, I have all those Superman titles that used the S-Shield numbering system to follow the stories that bounced from book to book for about a decade.

So I guess the question is, how should I put that stuff in order? The S-Shield books flow from book to book, but the comics that come before and after separate themselves by title. Then there's the question of "what gives" when the numbering jumps down to #1 and then back up again.

Really, I guess this is a non-problem. Its kind of silly. But its my silly little non-problem, so I'm gonna grouse about it and you're gonna listen.

Any advice?

Win a Date with Liefeld!

2006-03-16T06:55:00.000-08:00

I make no secret here at Mylar of the fact that I don't care for Rob Liefeld. I make fun of him whenever possible. To paraphrase The Big Lebowski: I don't like his jerkoff name, I don't like his jerkoff face, and I don't like him. Jerkoff.

Which is not to say that making fun of Liefeld is all that difficult. Its not. I know its not. But I do it anyway. Rob's the barrel, the internet is the fish--fish in a barrel. Or something.

Sure, I can go on and on about how terrible Liefeld can be to fans. I can talk about his creative talents and the "properties" he invented at "Awesome!" studios. I could talk about how he was mean to yours truly (Second only in douchebaggery to Billy "The Douche" Tucci). Or, I could take the simplest approach and put up some of his art and we could all goof on the lack of knees and stare at the anatomy until we all go mental.

But I'm not gonna do that today... well, okay, maybe just a quick one. Check this: There are literally NO knees visible in this group shot. Plus, it looks as if Nick Fury's chest is as big as Cap's entire body. That's some heavy bench press regimen he must have. Oh, and someone teach Liefeld how to smoke. Or at least do it in front of him. No one bites down on a cigarette and smokes through their teeth. That's ridiculous.

Ahhhh. Okay, that's out of the way, on to the business at hand. On to this:Who wants to party to the EXTREME?!? I know I sure do. Wait, it involves hanging with Liefeld and a giant Thing--er, I mean, Badrock statue? Huh. That's extreme? Golly. I spotted this up at Scans Daily and just had to goof on it. I mean, its Liefeld, and goofing on him is what I do.

Wow. What a crazy extreme guy he is. He has a statue that he jumps on top of! What a wild card! He wears jeans to work! He is rad!

"Say What?"

You heard me.

Seems this is from an old Wizard Magazine contest where, to celebrate Rob's "momentous" return to comics one lucky kid and his friend get to go to California and hang out with Liefeld himself. This led me to ask three questions:

1. When did Liefeld leave comics?

2. Why did he come back?

3. How can we make him leave again?

Anyone? Suggestions? I'm sure the winner of the contest, at least, would've had to ask something along those lines. I mean, any reasonably bright adult would surely have some tough questions for Rob, not the least of which being, "What does a knee look like?"

Problem is, adults weren't permitted to enter. Just kids. Check out the fine print:

So they want two minors to fly to LA, where they will get to meet Rob, get some food, and do things like going to Disneyland. Oh, you're not actually going to Disneyland. You're going to don one of those creepy masks pictured on the rules page, finish the pencils on Youngblood #2 and then dust Liefeld's life-size Badrock statue while he commiserates with Satan as thanks for the deal he made that gave him a career. That's kind of like going to Disneyland.

From a certain perspective.

Danger.

2006-03-16T06:25:00.000-08:00

It's too dangerous...You go.

For someone who you call "pal", i'm not sure sending them to a huge chemical fire in a flying deathtrap is such a wise idea.

Big Yellow Monster

2006-03-15T07:23:00.000-08:00

Green Lantern is unable to stop them from smooching, 'cause one of them is yellow.

The wizard, on the other hand, loves monster-on-monster action. He loves it so much so that he's willing to create his own monsters just to see it.

What a perv.

Elongate Man is Dumb

2006-03-14T12:41:00.000-08:00

Man. Elongated Man really sucks.

He always has, even back before DC decided to make an example of him and destroy his life along with most of the other JLI-era Justice Leaguers.

Back in the day, this blatant Plastic Man rip off, couldn't even get it together enough to have his own villains. Check it out, this is the image that DC is sending out as a solicit for the Elongated Man Showcase Edition:

Feh. He has to fall into a Flash trap. Why? Cause he sucks and no villain worth their salt would've bothered coming up with a trap for this lame-o.

Ralph drinks soda and gets stretchy powers. I drink soda all the time. I get hyper and I burp. Nothing super about that. He is supposedly a great detective, though. Don't forget that. Sure he didn't see his wife's murder coming... but still.

_________________________

Oh, and I realize I promised a whole week of St. Patricks day blogs focusing on different Irish comic characters. But, as we Irish have learned long ago, life IS disappointment.

Sometime this week, though, imma check out one of my all time favorite films. It features two of what I would consider the coolest Irish characters ever created.

And no, I don't mean Back To the Future Part III.

No, imma watch "Miller's Crossing."

Leo: "The old man is still an artist with a Thompson."

Tom: "I never knew no one that made being a son of a bitch such a point of pride."

If you haven't seen it, netfilx that badboy and enjoy. I see something new that is totally bad-ass everytime I watch it (which is a few times a year). I'll be back after the weekend with what I noticed about it this year.

Profiles In Irish-ness: Shamrock

2006-03-13T12:54:00.000-08:00

Hey, kids! Its St. Patricks Day week! So you know what that means for me! A four day week, a wild friday, and a weekend-long recovery session.

It also means, a week-long look at ridiculous Irish superheroes. Cause lets face it. They all are.

Like take this lass, Shamrock AKA Molly Fitzgerald (yeah, and that's not even the most Irish name we're gonna see this week).

While Molly was young, her dad once let out a cry asking for the heavens to give his enemies bad luck. Nothing was thought of it (and why would it? an Irishman cursing should hardly be cause for alarm, ya bastards) until Molly discovered she had luck powers while in college.

Wow. That was easy. It'd be wild if it turned out all my curses worked. Just, you know, on other people. I would imagine the last time I stubbed my toe could've given rise to the Avengers under the Marvel Universe rules of power.

So Molly, not being enough of a stereotype, took up the name of Shamrock and set off to put her luck powers to good use. After stopping a bombing, she was summoned for the Contest of Champions, and paired with Captain Britain. Waaa-waaaa. The two disagreed with each other due to volatile history of that region.

Also pairing off in that series were Iraqi Joe and Iranian Mike. It didn't go well either.

After the Contest, Molly continued to adventure--a job only a comic character can have. Her father showed up again, pissed the powers weren't his after he'd done all the hard work, what with his swearing and what not. He attempted to use her powers for his own purposes, even taking her to Arnim Zola. However, Molly was able to escape and her father was killed by an instance of bad luck. Waaa-waaaaaaa. Didn't see that coming.

A serious foot injury (!) seemed to least temporarily put a halt to Molly's superheroing days. She began working as a hairdresser, and ran into Captain Britain again and that Meggan chick. She agreed to do Meggan's hair for her wedding. Presumably it was a very lucky haircut. Whatever that means. Perhaps it was shaped like a horseshoe.

During the Void's brief return, someone in the guise of Shamrock was killed. Waaa-waaaa.

RIP-Shamrock, another dumb hero, another lost hairdresser. Shots of Jameson all around.

Robots Is Jerks!

2006-03-13T07:31:00.000-08:00

Say what you want about Cyborg Superman. Frankly, I find him hilarious.

Witness:Ha! Brilliant. "Made you look, foolish humans! And now you're dead! Eat it!"

The monster at the end of the book was you all along, Grover. It was you all along.

Attention Suckers!

2006-03-10T10:24:00.000-08:00

Like big guns?
Enjoy comics with no plot?
Like to see ridiculously big-breasted broads fighting each other with swords?
Love your heroes to have squinty eyes, hairy eyebrows and (possibly) no feet or knees?!?

Then you NEED to join the Rob Liefeld Fan Club.With your membership fee you'll get:

• A terrible poster!
• News on which Marvel characters Rob won't be able to draw in upcoming projects!
• A lack of respect!
• Exclusive offers, convention schedules, and the knowledge of knowing you helped by Rob a Porche!

You know, this wouldn't be a half bad deal if we could be assured the money was going to something good.

Like, say, art classes for Liefeld.

What they shoulda done is had each "fan" send in a picture of their feet in addition to the entry fee. That way Rob could see what they look like and, god willing, someday learn how to draw one.

The Year of Superman Homepage

2006-03-09T09:14:00.000-08:00

Heads up, its the year of Superman and there's a website to prove it.

To me, every year is the year of Superman. When I tell people that, however, they normally look at me like I'm crazy. Or they avert their eyes. Or, if they happen to be Chinese, the correct me and tell me its the year of the Rat or Dog or whatever.

Now, while I can get behind how cool a concept "Year of the Monkey" is, it falls behind "Year of Superman" on my list (and right before "Talk Like a Pirate Day"). See, Superman has a trained monkey that flies. Superman fights giant talking monkeys that wear nothing but a bandoleer. Superman once WAS a monkey. But I digress.

All those assy people that don't like me telling them this year is the Year of Superman, are gonna have to get used to it now, cause this year actually IS officially The Year Of Superman..

For real. Seems with the new movie and all, the minds over at DC are pushing that stuff hard. If you head over to the new website, you can see what their plans are for the coming year.

The coolest part, for me anyway, was what they're calling the "Superman Franchise Trailer." In it, you get to see a pretty rad montage of (almost) all the Superman projects that are on DVD, set to the John Williams score. Its pretty cool. I got chills at the Luthor part, for some reason.

Oh, wait, I know the reason: I'm a HUGE NERD. But enough about me. Check out the site, will you?

The Year Of Superman Homepage

And, since you've been good, here's another shot of Monkey Superman:

Infinite Monkeys, One Karl

2006-03-09T06:47:00.000-08:00

I touched on the sort of brilliance that Karl Pilkington represents before, but in case you missed it, check out this clip.

Here Karl has a go at the nature of infinity, the shift patterns of playwrites, and the severe lack of monkey publishing.

Brilliant.

Captain Marvel Beats, Marries Hitler

2006-03-08T13:52:00.000-08:00

Ha! Take that, Ratzi! It wasn't your beautiful bride at all! Its me! Captain Marvel! The only thing you're gonna kiss is my white-hot fist of justice!

Notice that Captain Marvel doesn't stop the ceremony before the couple is pronounced man and wife. So, technically, Billy Batson is really Billy Hitler. Or Billy Batson-Hitler, if you prefer.

Memo to DC: You have to schedule old Captain Marvel comics to come out in Showcase Editions.

Your Primitive Brain Wouldn't Understand:It's Science

2006-03-08T13:44:00.000-08:00

A quick science lesson from Thunderbolt:Oh... well that makes sense.

Any questions?

Adorable Express

2006-03-08T06:45:00.000-08:00

So the Space Elevator (see last post) isn't exactly firing up the imaginations of the people in my circle. I even tried to get the gang on board last night during hero clicks. I drew two separate and distinct diagrams on the dry erase board, and still nothing.

Its with that in mind that I show you this other new advance in travel. While humans work furiously to elevate themselves into the stratosphere, the canine community has finally unveiled this:Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Puppy Moter Monorail.

Now, where these puppies are going, and why they need a monorail to get there is beyond me. But goodness... they're gonna look adorable getting there.

And yes, I realize that "Moter" is spelled incorrectly. But, hey, they're puppies for chrissakes! And, really, are you gonna say no to those faces?

I Love Science: The Space Elevator

2006-03-07T07:01:00.000-08:00

Star Trek didn't cover this. Star Wars was way off. And, if you think you're gonna get something this rad from Farscape, then you're a bigger nerd then I already thought you were for watching that puppet show in the first place. Nerd.

Check this out. I've been reading all morning about a hypothetical device called The Space Elevator. I'm not saying that all that reading has me fully understanding the idea, but here's what I surmise: You tie a rock to a huge rope and you tie that rope to the earth. Ship that puppy out a bunch of miles so its past earth's orbit and let is follow us on our orbital path. The centrifugal force creates a taught cable. With a taught cable, you have the makings of an elevator.

Simple. It seams simpler than what they make the meatheads on the Road Rules Real World Challenge do (seriously, did you see Landon try to climb a rope made of pantyhose last night? WTF?).

Georgia Flight over at CNN describes with a bit more science than I do. Georgia?

Earth is constantly spinning. So if you attach a counterweight to it with a cable, and put it far enough away--62,000 miles--the cable will be held taut by the force of the planet's rotation, just as if you spun around while holding a ball on a string. And if you'’ve got a taut cable, you've got the makings of an elevator.

As strange as that sounds, —push the "“Up" button, climb in, and soar off into weightless bliss—don’t be surprised if it happens. The space elevator is where the PC was in the 1960s: The theory is solid, the materials exist, and people in garages are starting to tinker with the next step. Two Seattle startups are competing to build the elevator. Both believe they can do it within 15 years at a cost of $10 billion. NASA and China's space agency are eager to help make it happen.

And no wonder: A working elevator would reduce the cost of launching anything into space by roughly 98 percent.

Sounds pretty rad. 98% off? So, It now costs about 10 million for a regular joe to go into space. With savings like that it'd only be around $200,000!!! Yeah, hear that aliens? There goes the neighborhood.

So the science is sound, if we can figure out how to make it work. I'd imagine its pretty tough. You gotta make a really long rope, for a start. Then you have to put the weight up there. And linking them up is gonna be a pain in the ass. And what about weather? What about the structure? What if this thing gets tangled in existing satelites? What if it sends us spinning into the sun?

Its crazy and dangerous. That's why the US, Japan and China are all working on it. Cause we're all crazy and dangerous too.

I just hope we get there before Japan. I couldn't take it if Hello Kitty was on everything in space. I mean, it's space, thats our deal. Giant robots? Japan. Ruining outer space? Us. Its not rocket science. Literally.

The 62,000-Mile Elevator Ride

What the nerds at Wikipedia say.

Greenie?

2006-03-07T06:21:00.000-08:00

green lantern needs a sidekick. kid lantern? lantern lad? flashlight?

ummmm. greenie?

or, hell, why not Yellow Lantern? grab Sinestro's old ring and slap it on the mitt of some fresh-faced, wide eyed barrio kid or an "extreme" skateboarder or some nonsense like that. give hal something to worry about and someone to save his bacon when he inevitably gets knocked out cold.

i'd read it. its no more ridiculous than Pie Face was.

Capricorn: One, Cinema History: Zero.

2006-03-06T11:15:00.000-08:00

We now join the cast of Caprcorn One already in progress.

"People may say I'm crazy to send a double murderer into space with nothing but Mr. Barbara Streisand and that guy from Law & Order to keep him in check. And they'd be right. That's why I'm not sending you to space. I'm sending you to Pasedena. And I'm gonna give you fly jump suits to chill in. They are awesome. Tons of pockets. You'll love them. And then, when you escape (cause, lets face it, our security is shit, and you're OJ Fucking Simpson and two guys with seriously rad hair) I'm gonna hunt you down with helicopters that fly dangerously close to each other. If I'm lucky Max Devlin won't figure it out and shut me down. Yeah, this plan could work! It has to work and it WILL work. It'll work or my name isn't Hamilton "Ham" Johnson from Fletch Lives!"

this blog is dedicated to Erin who had the privlege of sitting through this silliness with me, and the misfortune of getting this post sent to her first

How is this fair?

2006-03-06T09:34:00.000-08:00

Just how Bosom are these Buddies, anyway?

Tom hanks goes to the Oscars, Peter Scolari signs autographs at the NYC comic convention.
He appears to be seated somewhere between the girl from Saturday Night Fever and the men's room sweaty fanboys use to change in and out of their homemade storm trooper outfits.

How sad. I guess not everyone can turn dressing like a woman into super stardom.

Hear that Felicity Huffman? What's that? You say you actually are a woman, and that you actually are a star?

Oh, well, nevermind then.

photo taken from CBR.com

NEGADON!

2006-03-03T10:12:00.000-08:00

Holy crap. You have got to see the English trailer for "Negadon: The Monster From Mars."

Now, the future of humanity rests with one man and his robot.

They just don't MAKE better tag lines than that.

From what i can figure, this Negadon thing (which is from Mars, and is also a monster) arrives on earth and starts wrecking shop in Japan. Now, i dunno why these terrible beasties ALWAYS hit Japan first, but lucky for us they do, cause this scientist guy just happens to be working on a huge robot fighting machine.

Then the two fight, I assume, for the remainder of the film.

God, this trailer is better than all of the Tom Cruise film "War of the Worlds." Caught a cold, my ass. They shoulda had to fight giant robots. Then we'd see some shit!Giant robot battles. Listen up Hollywood. Ain't a movie out there couldn't have been made better with the addition of a giant robot battle.

SEE THE TRAILER!!!

The Man, The Machine, Streethawk.

2006-03-03T08:15:00.000-08:00

There just aren't enough shows on TV nowadays about super vehicles and the people who drive them.

Back in the day there were tons of them. There was Airwolf, Blue Thunder, Knight Rider, and one of my favorites, STREETHAWK:

It was about this dude, Jesse Mach, who messed up his leg on a dirtbike, so he couldn't be a motorcycle cop anymore. Awwwww. But wait! the government fixed his leg and put him to work, undercover, driving an all terrain urban attack cycle codename: STREETHAWK!

So he would be a desk cop all day long and fake a limp, and then at night he'd hop on his superbike and fight crime and shoot missles at vans full of dickheads and shit like that. It was awesome. AWESOME!!!

The man, the machine... STREETHAWK!

if you're interested in more, there's an even longer clip here:

EAT LASER, CRIMINAL SCUM!!!.

Fin Fang Fantastic

2006-03-03T07:00:00.000-08:00

If you're not reading NextWave from Warren Ellis, you are only cheating yourself.

I was hesitant to pick up the book myself. Had to be talked into it by the crazy dude with the George Clinton dreads at my comic book store.

I can't thank him enough.

Without getting too deep into plotlines, the first arc has the team of misfit heroes going up against a UWMD (Unusual Weapon of Mass Destruction), namely Fin Fang Foom. He of the early days of Marvel. He of the scary monster mags. He of the purple pants.

In issue two, he threatens to do something so dastardly to Boom Boom that-- no, you know what? I'm not gonna spoil it. Go read it.

I can say, however, that Ellis is turning me into a huge fan of Machine Man (Aaron Stack). I used to think he was a pretty lame character. What did he even do? His arms grew real long, I think. And his legs. He was purple, and had goggles? I dunno. He didn't look like he was all that interesting. Just another cool Kirby Design with little going on, story wise.

And then he showed up in that Alex Ross trainwreck Universe X shit. Then I really didn't give a shit about him. He was all morose and moody sitting on the moon being lame. Feh.

So yeah, I wrote of Machine Man. I couldn't care less about what happened to him as a character.

But that's only because he didn't used to say things like this:whoo-boy! That's saucy.

Which is not to say that he can't back that smack up. He actually IS filled with useful devices.Yeah. He's prolly real handy around the house too.

And did I mention that he is fueled by beer? Cause he is. Just like me!

So, yeah. Hats off to Ellis and Immonen for producing the surprise fun ride of the winter. And congrats on taking someone like Machine Man and making a jaded Marvel Hater like myself think he's cool.

Crap! Go read this book people! I give nextwave, two Fin Fang Foom fingers up! Rock.

Venom Understands Me

2006-03-02T12:14:00.000-08:00

Seems everybody and their mammy is talking about Venom these days.

Prolly has something to do with that black and white shot from Spidey 3. The one with someone in a black spiderman costume squatting on a building.

Even I have been thinking "Venom" this week--Granted, I have a terrible cold, so I've been more scatterbrained than usual, and its just as logical that my mind would land on Venom as it would on, say, Shields and Darnell.

Look it up.

I even found myself on Wikipedia looking into the many incarnations of Venom and explanations of his power. There's even a frank discussion on the controversy surrounding his origin (I stopped reading when i hit those two magic words: John Byrne).

Among the other Venom crap I found around the net, though, this next pic was my favorite. It really sums up the character for me, and puts him in a context I can understand:Venom is a guy that'll say "Hoo-ha!"

I don't think its Brock, i think its they symbiote. It says things like "Hoo-Ha!" and "Kablamo!" and "Whiz-bang!" and to me, that's just awesome.

I say things like that all the time. And I am not an alien symbiotic costume. So, its kind of like we have something in common. Venom just gets me, man.

It gets me.

I'm sooo taking him next time we play HeroClix. Believe it. Last time, my team of Jonah Hex, Sgt Rock, The Question, Metamorpho and Lobo wrecked shop over everyone we faced. For real. But no one on my team said cool things like "Hoo-Ha."

HOO-HA, bitches!

Reduce, Reuse, Recycle.

2006-03-02T11:50:00.000-08:00

According to CBR, Supergirl #5 has been sent back to press for a new printing.

Unfortunately, said new printing will still feature the same story, plot, dialogue, and art. This time, however, the cover will be all Mike Turner and no Ian Churchill. Which, to fans of looking at things drawn on paper, means: the quantity of the shit hasn't changed, the only difference now is that it will have all been shat from the same ass.

Never fear, though, all of the vomitus dreck you've come to expect from Chruchill is being lovingly reproduced within the interior pages. Children everywhere can rejoice! No one will be shut out from experiencing the full power of a 10 muscled abdomen, or the beauty of a 4 foot long ankle.

With a cover price of $3.99, its a huge value, as far as cretinous garbage goes. Unless of course you buy it at ToyWiz where this issue will list at 20 dollars, fifty cents, a bag of magic beans, and all of the fingernails on your right hand.

But hell, for Churchill art? Totally worth it.

The Juggernaut, Bitch!!

2006-02-27T10:29:00.000-08:00

You can't be told what this is. You have to watch it.

It's the Juggernaut.

Bitch.

As alays with you tube, hit play (triangle thing) in the lower left, hit again to pause, let it load, then it will play fine.

Or, if you wanna go to the YouTube page and watch it there:

Juggernaut, Bitch.

Germany Kills Fife!

2006-02-27T09:37:00.000-08:00

Okay, that headline is a little misleading. Or a lot misleading, in that its (a) untrue and (b) intentionally designed to mislead you.

The Winter Olympics are over finally. Thank god, that means I can go back to watching television. Germany won. Or rather, they got more medals than we did. Which is good for moral over in Germany, I would think, cause normally when the world comes together to slug it out, Germany is so far in the wrong that they get their ass handed to them and Indiana Jones punches a lot of people.

In the face.

As a gift for winning, we sent over the blondest, blue-est eyed Canadian we could get our hands on (no, not Shatner) and Avril Lavigne closed out the games, singing badly but at the same time making the girls in Prussia Blue believe in their dreams.

I don't see why Germany won, though. Japan had the best skiiers.No matter. Its over now. Its time to move on.

But that wasn't the big news of the weekend. Not for me anyway.

Don Knotts passed away on Saturday. He was really old. And now he's dead.

To many, he was Mr. Furley from Threes Company, listening at the door, ready for a hillariously homophobic quip about Jack's pants.

To many more (including my Dad) he will always be Barney Fife, always reaching for that lone bullet in his shirt pocket.

To Chris Ward (who reminds me more of Don Knotts than anyone else I know, and who is moving away this week--bye dude!) he will be remembered as Mr. Chicken. As in "The Ghost and..."

And some will remember him from his rolls in all them Disney movies, Herbie and Apple Dumpling Gang and the like.

But to me, I'll always remember him in the movie that ruled my youth, "The Incredible Mr. Limpet."Its a movie about a man that becomes a fish during the war and then saves the good guys by destroying submarines and shit.

I think. Its been a while. But when i was 10, and it was on WLVI TV-56, I'd sit glued to the screen. Every time it was on. And it was on a lot. And I never knew how it was gonna end. Ahhhh, youth.

Its the movie that made me belive a fish can wear glasses.

There was also a bunch of shit in there about the female fish finding him attractive, even though on land he was Don Knotts, and a fool, so no chicks dug him... It was weird. What was he gonna do, stay there and have fish babies? Gross!

Anway, thanks Don, thanks Mr. Limpett, so long, dude!

TV Land better make with the Andy Griffith/Three's Company marathons post-haste!!!

Endo? Smells more like OUT-do.

2006-02-27T06:47:00.000-08:00

Okay, so DC is starting to fill in the blanks for the New Outsiders team.

Clockwise from bottom, we got Nightwing. Followed by Katana? Then some broad i don't know/care about. Then is Metamorpho, who isn't as dead as i thought he was.

Then, THEN... GIRL BLACK LIGHTNING! Boo-ya grandma. Booya.

Oh, then its Captain Boomarang's son (Kid Boomarang? Private Boomarang?)

Not that I care, cause i'm not gonna read this book. Its Winnick right? That guy blows.

Batman Vs. The Evil King of Memphis

2006-02-24T12:49:00.000-08:00

I totally found this on someone else's blog. But being that its so good, possibly the greatest thing ever, you just can't blame me.

This, then is the greatest thing ever.

Ever.

What it is: Batman (Adam West, really) appears on Championship Wrestling at the WHBQ studios in Memphis during the mid to late '70s (the show moved to WMC in 1977), where he is confronted by Jerry Lawler as SUPERKING!

(NOTE: the best way to watch one of these You Tube things is to hit play, then pause, let the whole thing load and then hit play again. Its smoother that way. At least for me anyway. and i know smooth.)

Batman has heard about Jerry Lawler's box.

And he has the nerve to make fun of Lawler's costume. What is he wearing? He's got his cowl and gloves on, but is that a Member's Only Jacket? What gives Bats?

Supe? Spidey-baby? Good lord, Adam West rules. He's like a nicer Bill Shatner.

Eat your veggies kids. Use your turn signals.

Cover Up.

2006-02-22T06:03:00.000-08:00

Someone told me they liked the last post I did where I commented on solicited covers. So this is where I betray them by not quite doing it as well as the last time. Think of it as my version of "Die Hard 2".

Marvel Adventures: Fantastic Four #12
Oh, god yes. Here's the first of a bunch of cool covers featuring the FF. I don't know what this issue is about, and frankly, I don't care. DOCTOR DOOM IS IN A FLYING HOTROD! WOO-HOO! Put me down for a "yes."

Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man #8
This is so stupid. I can't imagine a way that the story behind this costume is any good. Well, maybe. Maybe if it was designed by super-intelligent helper monkeys from the future and following its creation, Spidey's mind was fused with the monkeys, in a sort of hive mind type deal, and he was then sent off to fight an army of ninja robot vampire cowboys. Then, maybe.

But probably not. God, its like they let John Byrne loose in Pete's "Friendly Neighborhood" again. Speaking of crap...

New Excalibur #7
Memo to John Byrne: Stop it.
Up on his website, not too long ago, Byrne ran a poll where he wanted his *ahem* fans to decide what his next project should be. Sadly, "Retirement" was not one of the options. I don't know what the outcome of that poll was, but if it was "New Excalibur #7" then his fans should be rounded up and put down. Judging this issue by its cover, it looks like Vandal Savage wants to take the new team bowling and he's bringing along Juggernaut's helmet. Or something. I don't know enough about the book to understand this shit. Nor do I care. Wait. Is that DAZZLER I see reflected back in that shiny helmet thing? Good lord, man. Cut it out.

Four #30
The hits keep on coming. Another wonderful cover with the FF! This one has H.E.R.B.I.E.!!! You gotta love that little robot. Seriously. I'm enforcing that as a law now. Love H.E.R.B.I.E. or face the consequences.
This is another book that I happily avoid every month, but I'll say this, If the cover is any representation, I'm gonna start buying this book every month! What? It's cancelled? Oh, well, that'll save me some cake. Thank heavens.

Thing #7
Another FF member in a cool cover!!! I love Dan Slott's work. She-Hulk and Thing read like no other Marvel comic out there. Why? Cause they read like a DC Comic. And that's why they are so frickin' good. Again, the colorist seems to gone a little mad-pants with his patterns and whatnot, but still.
I don't give a good gosh darn what's going on in the foreground with that artist guy, but my word, THING IS GONNA CLOBBER HERCULES WITH A HUGE COLUMN! Fantastic. Plus, Herc is wearing a Lion on his head. A lion that he no doubt killed himself. With his bare hands. Or maybe, he did it with BEAR hands. You know, like he killed himself a bear, took the paws off that sumnabitch, slipped his mitts inside of them like mittens, then tracked down a lion and murdered it with those new gloves. As a final "F-you" to the Lion and its family, Herc now wears the murdered animal's face on top of his head. Partly to look cool, but mostly as a warning to other lions. And bears.

Batman Year 100 #4
Leaving aside how dumb an idea this series is, I can't get past how disgusting the art is. I get it. Paul Pope is "different" he doesn't "play by the rules" he's a "maverick." Whatever dude, this art sucks. It sucks long and it sucks hard. I've doodled stuff on bar napkins down at Olive's (the best bar in Nyack) in a state where I can hardly hold a pen that looks better than this nonsense. I've never had a comic book make me sick to my stomach that wasn't drawn by Rob Liefeld, until now.

Showcase presents Superman Vol 2
I make no secret of my love for these Showcase editions. Of the ones I've bought so far, Green Lantern got old about halfway though and JLA hasn't been cracked yet, but my Superman Showcase is one of the best things I've ever read. Counting the Bible. In fact, I think the Gideons people should be putting Superman Showcase in motel nightstands. Spread the word of a REAL savior. Yeah, desperate mother-effers down on their luck will think twice about scoring some dope and murdering a prostitute after they've read about The Man of Steel fighting a giant monkey. I'm just saying.

Green Arrow #62
I can't for the life of my figure out the anatomy on this cover. Can you? Take a long hard look at it and try not to go insane in the process. Arms are not that short. Way to use a LONG RANGE weapon, G.A. You are so gonna get shot in the face. Dick Cheney style.
And, uh, what would you call that pose. Was Green Arrow getting buggered by a stanger only to find out it was Deathstroke? Gah!

52 #2
Its about time. Booster gets mad honey's yo. Skeet skeet skeet!

Outsiders #36
Someone tell Judd Winnick that the Power Ranger's are not in DC continuity. Also, tell him to read the memo I sent to John Byrne.

And that, as they say, is that.

Science Monkey!

2006-02-22T05:49:00.000-08:00

The handwriting? Really? That's your clue?

First of all Jonas Starr writes like a girl. And way too big. Look at that note in the foreground. Jeeze-Louise! If all his papers are like that, a simple experiment's notes could kill a large swath of the rainforest. The only person with a bigger diary is Superman. But that's just cause he's a dick. He doesn't even write it in English. So only he can read it. A gigantic record of his exploits that takes up a room, but its useless to everyone but him. Nice. That is a rad chair though, dude.

Back to the science monkey: His assistants are way to into handwriting analysis. I'd have thought that wouldn't be the first thing a group of scientists would do when presented with this issue. ITS A MONKEY WRITING ON A CHALKBOARD! Crap. If this was a Marvel comic they'd have already dissected it, had sex with the pieces, put it back together, outfitted it with a laser and sent it off to battle the Avengers. It would then get its ass handed to it by Tigra, feel bad about its ways, and be on the team within 5 issues.

Pay close attention to the caption box in the lower right corner, though, kids. That gorilla? He's gonna save the world. How?

With his love.

Takedown, Shakedown... You're Busted.

2006-02-22T05:46:00.000-08:00

Oh Man. Burnout Revenge is ruling my world.

And messing with my head.

This morning, a guy cut me off and I was tempted to shunt him into a bus.

Cause that is worth a terrific amount of points.

Terrific.

Rickey's Big Day

2006-02-13T09:11:00.000-08:00

You wanna know the great thing about being witness to the biggest blizzard in the history of ever?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Anyway, somehow in all the confusion, my buddy Rickey got the first edition of his spankin' new diary comic posted online.

You can check it out here:

Rickey's Diary Comic

I'm even in it. That's me in the Flash T-shirt. I don't own a Flash T-shirt, though. Or maybe, I don't own one yet? Hmmmm. Maybe there's a time travelling paradox at work that i'm not hep to. Maybe that's the Reverse-James or something.

Either way, show Rickey some love by checking it out his comic.

Karl Pilkington is Famous

2006-02-13T08:01:00.000-08:00

If you haven't checked out the latest series of Podcasts from Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant (The Office, Extras) then you are prolly about the only one as it has just been named the worlds most downloaded podcast by the Guiness Book of World Records.

The podcasts, and Gervais' old radio show have given the world the stupid/genius of Karl Pilkington. I can't begin to describe this weird little bald Manc, so you best check it out yourself.

The Podcasts are Available HERE

Ricky's site with info on the podcasts, his other work, and what the deal is with Karl.

Lets make Karl even more famous, shall we?

Kanye B. Ware

2006-02-10T10:52:00.000-08:00

Was it just me, or was Kanye looking very Koko B. Ware at the Grammys?

All he needed was a parrot, and some bad-ass dance moves.

Brett Ratner: Professional Hollywood Director

2006-02-10T08:48:00.000-08:00

Brett Ratner is directing X-Men 3. I can't stress that enough. As much as I hate to admit it, he's the guy. He's directing it. Its his deal.

We knew that though, right? Well sure. But, I just wanted that firmly in everyone's head before I linked to the following story.

Ratner's Post-Grammy Freak Out.

Page Six is reporting that Ratner (who is DIRECTING X3) nearly fainted after an argument with his girlfriend. Check it:

"Rush Hour" director Ratner caused a one-hour traffic jam after paramedics and a fire truck were called in response to his full-blown panic attack - caused by an argument with his date - in front of the Spanish-style mansion. Cops came later and had the music turned off.

"Ratner was complaining of shortness of breath while leaning by the VIP check-in desk," a witness told The Post's Braden Keil. "My heart is racing," the witness overheard him repeating.

Jesus. This guy can't handle an argument with his lady friend, but yet he's in charge of a huge movie franchise? How does that work? This guy almost got the chance to helm Superman! But, like an opossum he swoons when confronted by drama.

Well, that's just great. And was a firetruck really necessary? Couldn't they just, I dunno, fan him or give him an aspirin or spray him in the crotch with seltzer water? Fuck. Where is J.J. McClure when you need him?!?

But I guess the hour long traffic jam Los Angelinos experienced is nothing compared to the train wreck X3 is shaping up to be. All those movies with Jackie Chan and Ratner didn't learn karate, he just learned ka-razy.

Oh, and just in case that story didn't make you think the Rat-man was nutzoid? Check his Christmas card:

He really wants to be Wolverine. Especially from the issue where Wolvie gets into a heated discussion with Jean Grey and passes out like a little bitch.

That one's his favorite.

Sport!

2006-02-10T06:43:00.000-08:00

The Winter Olympics start tonight! Live from Torino which, if I'm to understand this right, is a foreign country. Hmmm. Oh, well, its sport all the same. Not the one you completely ignore in the summer, this is the one you completely ignore in the winter!

And its not just hockey--no matter what Canadians and Kurt Russle's hairpiece from "Miracle" tell you. No. The winter Olympics feature all the best the world has to offer in Skiing, Snow Boarding, more skiing (but with jumps!), Figure Skating (made famous by TV's Dave Coulier), Speed Skating, Curling, That thing where they ski and then shoot a gun, Luge, Bobsledding, Baby Jumping...

Wait. Baby Jumping?

Ooooh. Sadly, Baby Jumping isn't a officially sanctioned by the Olympic committee. Bastards. They'll let Water Polo in but not this.

Well, screw it then. I'm not watching any Olympics that puts the life of a baby ahead of my enjoyment of reckless sport. I guess I'll turn over to Fox instead. They're playing the last 4 new episodes of the best show ever: "Arrested Development."

And besides, Fox runs shows where midgets have to pull a plane quicker than an elephant.

Now that is what I call Sport!

Detective Superman and his Magic Snake

2006-02-08T07:37:00.000-08:00

Thumbing through Green Lantern #160 for a different post (coming soon, maybe) I happened upon this ridiculous ad:

Okay, so it seems the Toyman was on the run from Superman, and decided to step into K-Mart and, uh, play with a Magic Snake. Now, I know that the Magic Snake is actually a puzzle-type toy and not entirely meant to be a euphemism. I know that, but I still laugh. Sorry. Dick and fart jokes will always be funny to me.

But getting past that, what I don't realize is how this ad is supposed to get kids into K-Mart.

Remember now, the original Toyman was a creepy looking dude. Obviously a kid toucher. We're not talking about this guy:

Or even this, uh, guy:

We're talking about this dude:

Let me get this straight, a creepy supervillian may be hiding out in one of the aisles of your store playing with a bendy, phallic toy. Check. Ummmmm, yeah. I think I'll be going to Penny's. Thanks anyway. Good luck catching that guy. Seeing as you have your best man on it and everything.

Oh, and how does Superman trap this arch-fiend? Well, with no Hostess pies lying around, Supes is forced to rely on his wits.

Shit. Really? You don't want to call Batman and run your plan by him first? Damn. We're all doomed.

Feh. It seems the MagicSnake is a clue, so Superman (rather than fingerprinting it or bringing it to a lab or looking at it with x-ray vision) decides he has to go through all of the gagillion shapes this thing can bend into in order to find the Toyman. Finally, he makes it to the globe shape (which, incidentally, is the shape the thing is when you buy it) and figures the Toyman MUST be hiding inside the globe of the daily planet.

No problem. Evil is punished. There really should not be a door in there. Its just inviting pederast supervillians to crawl in and take up space. Sheesh. What possible function that door holds the rest of the time is beyond me.

My favorite part of this whole farce, though, is the keen memory on the K-Mart clerk. "I overheard him say, 'The Perfect Place! Aha!'" Hmmm. Really? Are you sure he didn't say "Aha! The perfect place?" or "This is the place to find that A-Ha! cassette I needed!" (this was 1983, remember). Seems fishy that he remembers so much. Superman should beat him to death, as he is obviously an accomplice.

Have you ever been to K-Mart? No one there is that helpful. No one. And try finding an employee that can remember where to find lightbulbs, nevermind quote a customer from an hour ago verbatim. Impossible. He must be in league with Toyman, and hence, must be dealt with.

Superman style.

Hooray! Justice!

Motivation

2006-02-07T12:59:00.000-08:00

You've all seen them. Those motivational posters that have a big dumb picture of like a whale's tale or a raindrop or a puzzle and then some sort of motivational mumbo jumbo written underneath.

Where I work they have them all over this one hallway. Its ridiculous. They even have the one that says Team: Together Everyone... something, something. I dunno I never actually read it. But its there.

So I got to thinking. What motivates me? What could get me going? What could keep me going? It most certainly isn't a dude climbing a mountain or wind surfing. So I "borrowed" some posters from the internet, put in my own art and my own copy. These are the first four:

Who's motivated now?

Man, if it wasn't for licensing and fees and, well, the law I could make a mint selling posters like this! I know it!

Zatanna's Chubby Rain

2006-02-07T09:02:00.000-08:00

There is a lot of crap going on in Zatanna. Lots and lots of stuff. And things. Stuff and things and events... and happenings. Grant Morrison is up to his usual madness and Ryan Sook is the perfect artist to keep up with him. Its a fantastic series and I'm truly digging it. The story borrows from a lot of different places, dropping homage after homage all on the path to a great story. But the homage in issue two, intentional or no, was hilarious.

There's this magician--strike that--there's this EVIL magician, Gwydion, and he's coming to get Zatanna or something. On his way he goes through all these different forms (from rain to sea to fish, etc.,) all the while retaining a slight resemblance to Z's dad. See for yourself:

Lookit! He's inside the rain. The rain is bigger cause its holding a magician. The rain has gotten...well, Chubby:

This is too similar to the Kit Ramsey movie-within-a-movie for it to be a coincidence. Or maybe I just don't want it to be a coincidence. I'll admit it. I love Bowfinger. It marks the last great comedy of two great comedians, and makes fun of Scientology to boot. What's not to love?

For those that haven't seen it:

Hollywood, today: Bobby Bowfinger, a run-down actor-producer-director, is reading a script which a friend has written. Completely convinced of its quality, he decides to take a last shot at fame and fortune. But the script is not that easy to sell, and a famous producer promises him to do it, but there is one condition: Kit Ramsey, Hollywood's number one star, has to be in it. So, Bobby tries his luck with Kit - who says no - and then decides to shoot the film himself. Together with the cheapest team available in Southern California, an aspiring beauty from Ohio, a diva who is just a little over the hill, a key-holding gofer from a major studio and a goon hired away from burger-flipping, Bobby sets out to shoot the science-fiction-film starring Kit Ramsey - who does not even know he's being filmed.

Love it. Go rent it, stupids.

Trivia: The events in Bowfinger are loosely based on a real incident from 1927. A Russian filmmaker covertly shot footage of the vacationing Mary Pickford, and fashioned an entire film around the footage, creating the illusion that Pickford was actually starring in this Russian film.

Addicted to being Dumb

2006-02-02T08:51:00.000-08:00

Always remember...

Over at the Hurting, there's an Open Letter to Marvel you should check out.

http://whenwillthehurtingstop.blogspot.com/

(i can't find a direct link, but go to the page, you'll find it.

The letter likens marvel's decision to change spidey's costume to that of a drug addict. Funny stuff.

Juvenile Humor of the Day

2006-02-02T06:36:00.000-08:00

The DC Comics' Showcase editions are fantastic. I can't get enough. Best of all, they provide for some unintended and inappropriate humor.

For example, take this splash page from the story, "The Creature That Couldn't Die!"

Wait, what did he say? Lets go a little closer.

BWAH-HA-HA! "Beaten them all off." Beat off. That will always be funny. If you're not laughing then you prolly missed your boat back to Russia.

Commie.

Not to mention, by "every weapon my power ring can devise" Hal really just meant two beams of green light. Cause that's all he shot at the darn thing before almost giving up.

Oh, and the creature that COULDN'T die? It died. Hal summoned up a gigantic test-tube, slipped it over the beast like a huge connie, and watched it shrink away to nothing.

So, in the future, if you think a problem is unsolvable, at least try two different approaches before giving up and flying home to have a weird conversation about marriage with your bitch of a boss, Carol Ferris.

Seriously. What is up with her? She is an asshole.

Don't go up there with Jamie.

2006-02-01T09:13:00.000-08:00

No matter how much he pleads, no matter how much he begs. No matter how nice he seems or what kind of pie he tells you is up there... do NOT go up there with Jamie Madrox.

He will push you off the roof.
Why didn't Richtor see it coming?

Why didn't we? Jaime Maddrox is not a guy to watch fire works with, install Christmas lights with or moon the Space Shuttle with. Unless you want him to push you off the roof..

He will push you off the fucking roof.

What?

The F-ing Man, Vol 1: JAMES HONG

2006-02-01T07:42:00.000-08:00

As a new feature to Mylar, I present to you a new ongoing feature that spotlights people that I think are the shit. Dudes that rock faces off indiscriminately. People that, quite simple, are The Fucking Man.

It wasn't hard to find the subject for the maiden voyage of this feature. I ran into him quite accidentally, really. I was doing some, er, research on the web the other day that involved searching though google for pictures from Revenge of The Nerds II (that's "Nerds in Paradise" starring the TV's Bradley Whitford) of Ogre dressed as a Nerd from the films climactic and startling conclusion.

I didn't find it. But what I did find was slice of awesome:
Ahhh, Yes. James Hong. The Fucking Man.

If you don't recognize him as Snotty from ROTN2:NIP its of no significance. My man Hong has been in a ton of shit. Blade Runner, Wayne's World, Mulan, Seinfeld, Tango and goddamned Cash, and most importantly (to me, anyway) he played seminal bad-ass and all around bad egg David LoPan in John Carpenter's magnum opus "Big Trouble In Little China"

Man that dude rocked. He was evil as all hell, too. He rocked out with three bad-ass gods in China town and almost proved to much for Kurt Russle. Asian street gangs were at his whim (and in cool shades that looked like blinds!). He pimped so hard he wanted 2 wives. He lived a double life as a ghost and a creepy old dude. He had a fly little castle, underground, with a secret entrance located in the back of a whorehouse! He controlled a floating ball made out of eyeballs! He shot beams out of his fingers! He floated! He rocked a dope-ass Fu Manchu!

HE FIRED LIGHT RAYS OUT OF HIS FACE!!!
INDEED!

So, if for just that, James Hong would've made my list of people that are the f-ing man, but a little perusal of his website clued me in to something even cooler.

The James Hong School Of Acting.

Yeah, that's right. You can learn at the feet of LoPan hissef. The intensive 4-week class will give you the chops necessary to deliver lines like: "I will have you sent to the hell of being boiled alive, eets just that seempul!" , "You were not put on this earth to, 'Get it,' Mr. Burton." and of course "INDEED!"

Classes will run you $40 bucks a week, and you should prolly be in L.A. since that's were Hong lives, but still, its a bargain at any price. If you don't believe me you can poke around the site and see for yourself. Hong has done it all.

Need more proof? The page boasts written testimonials from the staff at Doogie Howser and Blade Runner not to mention this:
A personal thankyou from Mr. Hawaii Five-Oh himself, Jack Goddamn Lord. Book 'em LoPan, book the shit out of them.

INDEED!

Oh, man! I'm so pissed that Lopan insn't local! I'd take those classes in a second. I'd be shooting fire out of my eyes and hypnotising that chick form Mannequin! Rollin up on cats in my whicker chair and floating through trucks!

It'd be awesome!

No word yet on wether the classes will teach you how to "get a stew going." That might be exclusive to the Carl Weathers program.

So here's to you, James Hong. You, my friend, are The Fucking Man.

Immediate ten-die-six lightning bolt. No saving throw.

2006-02-01T07:14:00.000-08:00

While basking in the glow of another remembered hero clix win for the mighty Black Manta (see archive) I was sent this video.

Its funny, in that "There but for the grace of god go I" kind of way.

Cause like, HeroClix players are cool. These guys are nerds.

Doug Douglason, GamesMaster

Raymond Ractburger, 7th Level Barbarian

See the entire video (multiple formats available) by clicking on the photo below.

...and we're back.

2006-02-01T06:39:00.000-08:00

Something strange happened last week and my blog wasn't showing up. So I just stopped posting, cause, screw it. You know?

I emailed "blogger" and they didn't help me.

Finally I called my old buddy the drunken prospector.

"Eureka!" he said.

Turns out, if i change the template and republish the whole shebang, it shows up again.

Then me and the prospector got blind, stinking, drunk. We ate beef jerky and had a game of catch.

....good times.

Monkey Nazis--The Primate Platoon!

2006-01-26T05:14:00.000-08:00

So as you could see from my HeroClix team (posted yesterday) I have a thing for comic book monkeys. I love them. A lot. And they get bonus points if they talk, drive a car or wear pants.

Its logical, then, that DC Comics would be my company of choice. They have all the best monkeys, and most of them talk. Mallah, Detective Chimp, Ultrahumanite, Congogorilla, Giganto, Grodd (he's from an entire city FULL of talking apes!), and so on and so forth.

Then yesterday, on someone else's blog, I found this little slice of awesome.

Brilliant.

What's worse than an angry monkey? An angry monkey with a gun. What's more evil than that? A NAZI monkey with a gun.

Whoo-boy. I haven't read this issue, but to my mind the only thing that can stop this army of charging Ratzi-Apes is a three-way team up of Ghost Tank, Viking Commando and GI Robot.

Ahhhh, DC comics. I love you.

As I was geeking out to the sheer brilliance of a monkey in a nazi uniform, my buddy Mike pointed out something I had missed:

Why would that one monkey use a wooden club, when all other monkeys are
using guns and grenades?

... that's just absurd.

Absurd, indeed, Mike. Magnificently absurd.

MANTA!

2006-01-25T09:03:00.000-08:00

Yawn.

Tired today. Last night I ended up playing a little game of Hero Clix with my buddies. We did all DC, two teams of two players, and my team was team evil.

My line up:

• Ultrahumanite (Wears a singlet)
• Mssr. Mallah and the Brain (wears pants and a jacket)
• Gorilla Grodd (is completely naked)
• Catman (a sweet custom my buddy Pat whipped up)
• Copperhead (no one could hit him! dodge!!!)

and the man with the plan, the hellion in the helmet, the number one underwater soul brother:

• Black Manta!

Suffice it to say, we won. We were up against the Outsiders and they didn't stand a chance. My partner had an OMAC on his squad that wrecked shop on the silly little heroes we were fighting. And, lets face it, I had THREE monkeys on my squad. We couldn't lose.

Nightwing spent almost the entire game trying to kill Black Manta, but he couldn't do it. He died at the feet of Manta. True, Manta didn't do the actual killing, but hell, if I were Dick Grayson, I'd really hate for Black Manta to be the last thing I see on earth. But as I'm me, and not Dick Grayson, I'd love it if Black Manta was there to comfort me in my final moments. Hell, maybe he'd even let me wear his hat.

Face it, he rules. You can step to Black Manta, you can get up in his huge grill, you even can talk shit about his silly outfit or his power spear thing. But know this:

You're going to die and Black Manta is going to be the one to kill you.

He'll kill you in the goddamn head.

My personal favorite moment from the evening's battles? Gorilla Grodd smashing Starfire in the face with the engine block of a car while Nightwing watched in horror, only to be then mind controlled by Ultrahumanite to throw a Batarang and Speedy--sorry, Arsenal--who took the shot right in the face. Ha ha ha. Die, stupid.

As always, while we play hero clix, we often check out new and upcomming comics. During the game I was able to read X-Statix Featuring Dead Girl #1, and let me tell you, that thing is a HOOT!

If you haven't picked it up yet, I suggest you do. It contains:

• Fantasic new Mike Allred art
• Mysterio
• Doctor Strange acting like a pompous ass
• Kraven's REAL last hunt
• Wong talking in a ridiculous accent
• Mockingbird...
• and much, much, more.

Imma either going to go back and buy it and keep up with the series or else I'll def. buy the trade.

I give it 5 out of 5 Gwen Stacy Ghosts!

Mutant Whore!

2006-01-24T05:28:00.000-08:00

The train keeps a'rollin' on the new Ratner film, X3.

I think we're supposed to call it "Mutants' Last Stand" or something like that, though.

Whatever. X3 will have to do.

The new pics all look pretty rad. The shots of Angel, in particular are pretty cool.

This one made me scratch my head, though:

here's Stacy X, Calisto and Psyloche.

um.... why is Stacy X so gross and Calisto hot? that seems backwards.

i never read any comics with Stacy X. In fact, were in not for this movie i doubt i'd ever even know who Stacy X is. Doubt I'd miss her. I mean, a mutant hooker? Who gives a fig, right?

Anyway, she looks like a bag of assholes. A MALE bag of assholes. Call me crazy, but I figured the mutant hooker would be hot and the head of an underground group of moll people would be fugly.

Yeah, Calisto is supposed to be so gross she lives underground so as to not make children vomit when they see her. But there she is looking pretty good.

But that could just be cause she's standing next to a transgender spit-curl having hose beast.

Just saying.

Me too! Me too!

2006-01-23T12:04:00.000-08:00

Always remember:

I didn't come up with this.

The Biggest List of them i've seen so far.

Obviously.

Yo, SKIP!

2006-01-20T08:27:00.000-08:00

Ah, yes. The GIJoe Order of Battle. Back in the 80s, it seemed everyone was doing an index of some kind. We were index crazy. From The Official Handbook over at Marvel to the Who's Who at DC kids everywhere couldn't get enough of comics that read like encyclopedias.

Its true. I can't believe its never been documented on "I Love The 80s." Kids in the 80s LOVED reference materials. For real.

So, after the success of the handbook, Marvel took their hot license property, GIJOE and whipped up a handbook all its own, calling it "The Order of Battle." The Order was pretty much a reprinting/retelling of the info from the back of those nifty file cards that came with each doll--er--action figure, with a couple changes thrown in to keep up with the current comic continuity. Issues one and two covered the Joes, issue three focused on Cobra and the final issue covered vehicles and whatnot.

As a kid I LOVED it. I ate up anything GIJoe related, including the excellent Marvel comics, so it was a no brainer that I'd be into this. Thing is, when I was a kid, a lot of the silliness, the puns, the hidden jokes were either lost on me, or I didn't notice cause I was too busy acting out GIJoe the movie with my buddy Mark (I was Chuckles. I was always Chuckles...sigh). Going back through my collection, the other day, I started to check out the Order and found some pretty silly shit.

For instance, the "real names" of the Joes. Check these out:

So here's Alpine. Now, If you actually READ his history, what you'll get is a whole story about how climbing is a physical representation of him overcoming his past, crawling from the quagmire of his life--blah, blah, blah.

But don't be fooled by the poetry that is his life. Look at the silliness that IS his name.

Albert Pine. Al. Al Pine. Alpine.

Jesus. Larry Hamma, you nut. All that talk about him becoming a mountain climber to escape Idaho is stupid when your realize that the guy was named Alpine from birth, and therefore had no choice but to be either a mountain climber or a sports drink flavor.

Not to mention, every other Joe got a cool code name. Presumably these names kept their families safe and offered them some sort of anonymity when fighting the evil terrorist forces of Cobra.

Not Alpine. That's messed up right there.

And then we have Cutter.

As a kid, Cutter was prolly my third favorite Joe (right behind Mutt and Quick Kick). I loved him cause he was a Red Sox fan. Yeah. You can't really tell by this pic, but the figure (which came with the Killer W.H.A.L.E. hovercraft) had a blue ball cap with the distinctive red "B" on it.

Word.

And Cutter is a pretty cool nickname for a guy in the Coast Guard. Better, it would seem, then his real name.

Skip Stone. Guh. Get it?

I know I missed that as a kid. I was too busy thinking Cutter was rad, thinking his vehicle was the shit, and rusting the hell out of his back screw with many many trips to my cousins pool.

His story, is kind of bizarre, too. No one in the Joe's is just a normal good soldier, you see. Cutter grew up equal distances from both costs YET became the best the Coast Guard has to offer. Irony? Well, no, not really. Stupid? Probably, but its cutter, he roots for the Sox, and the WHALE will totally shove a rocket sled up your ass.

Believe it.